Giving Advice/Comfort to Friends: The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Insulting

Take Away Points What is the sequential order of comforting? What are person-centered messages? Be able to identify what level one is. Be able to identify and explain the four important aspects of advice Vocab: expertise, efficacy, feasibility, confirmation, absence of limitations Which aspect has the greatest impact on how the recipient evaluates the advice? Which aspect does SICK advice refer to? Be able to define and recognize examples of: positive facework, negative facework, steps of SICK advice

There are no words that are “magic bullets” to providing comfort.

Even though there aren’t “magic” comforting words, there are more or less effective messages.

There is an order to comforting! Extreme emotions inhibit message processing Sequential process Listen Provide emotional support Give advice (IF appropriate!)

How do we give good emotional support? Use person-centered messages Acknowledge other person’s feelings Legitimize feelings Situate feelings within broader context Don’t Bring it back to yourself Tell them what they should be feeling Discount/ignore their feelings

Evaluate the following breast cancer support group message for person-centeredness… “There are many of us here who would have jumped for joy to have only one positive node. I am not minimizing your concern, but your condition could be worse. Even with my 4 positive nodes I have never felt my diagnosis was really, really bad. ”

High person-centeredness example I understand how frustrating it is to study for a test and then do pretty bad on it. It makes you angry and hurt and takes away a lot of self confidence. Sometimes you wonder if it’s even worth trying. But it doesn’t mean you’re dumb or anything like that. And maybe you’ve earned what kind of questions the teacher wants you to think about the material. So, although it’s probably hard to look at it this way, maybe you’ve learned something really important that can help you in the future.”

Turn to the person next to you “Gee, I’m sorry you guys broke up. I guess things like this happen though. Breaking up just seems to be a part of relationships.” “I know it must hurt. I know you’re feeling a lot of pain and anger right now. And that’s okay, ‘cause I know you were really involved; you guys were together a long time and you expected things to work out differently.” “You shouldn’t be so upset about losing your boyfriend. After all, there are a lot of fish in the sea. So forget him and go catch yourself another one.”

How many people have received bad advice?

Definition of Advice “recommendations about what might be thought, said, or done to manage a problem” MacGeorge, Feng, & Thompson, p. 145 Focusing on informal advice

Advice Process Interaction Goals Advice Message Evals of Message Features Perception of Advice Interaction Coping with Advice Problem Physical Health and Well-Being Do this! Goldsmith, 2004; Guntzviller & MacGeorge, in press; Feng & MacGeorge, 2010

Important Aspects of Advice Giving Characteristics of Recipient/Giver Giver expertise Contextual Appropriateness Is advice needed/wanted? Is advice well timed within the conversation? Listen Emotional support THEN problem solve Content of Advice Efficacy, feasibility, absence of limitations, confirmation Style of Advice How you say it! Going to define first, then say which is important Feng & MacGeorge, 2010; Feng & Feng, 2012; MacGeorge et al., 2004

Brown & Levinson, 1987; Lim & Bowers, 1991; Tracy, 1990 Style of Advice Face: The social identity you want to present Positive face: The want to be thought of as a desirable and likable human being (or desire for approval and liking) Negative face: The want not to be imposed on by others (or desire for autonomy) Facework: linguistic strategies used for protecting or harming face Brown & Levinson, 1987; Lim & Bowers, 1991; Tracy, 1990

Example: Positive Facework No facework: You have to drop the class and take it later Bad positive facework: Maybe if you didn’t mess this up, you wouldn’t have this problem. There’s nothing you can do now except to drop the class and take it later. Good positive facework: It’s not like you’re a bad student or anything, so drop the class and take it later.

Example: Negative Facework No facework: Dump your boyfriend. Bad negative facework: You should obviously dump your boyfriend. Good negative facework: Do you think it may be time for you and your boyfriend to go your separate ways?

Compliment Keep it informal Sympathy Indirect wording Giving “Sick” Advice Sympathy Indirect wording Compliment Keep it informal

Using Facework: How to Show sympathy or understanding for the person’s situation Suggest a solution rather than telling the person what to do Compliment the person (competence, ability to handle the situation) Use informal wording Slang: “you know” Nicknames: man, dude, bud Person’s name One of these pertains to negative facework – which one?

Try it! Partner up – decide who is person A and person B Person A – Advice giver Person B – Friend with problem Person B’s problem: you have a significant other and unfortunately your parents do not approve of him/her. You have been dating for about two months and you really like this person. Your parents are adamant that you break up.

Discussion What were some good examples of SICK advice? What was difficult?

Try it! Switch roles Person A – Favorite and Friendly Professor Person B – Advice giver (and student in the class) The situation: While you’re in a meeting with your instructor, s/he asks you for honest feedback about the class. There is something(s) that you think should be changed, but you don’t want to insult this person because final grades aren’t turned in yet.

Discussion How does the power dynamic change the situation? Are you always going to use each aspect of SICK advice? Why/why not?

Take Away Points What is the sequential order of comforting? What are person-centered messages? Be able to identify what level one is. Be able to identify and explain the four important aspects of advice Vocab: expertise, efficacy, feasibility, confirmation, absence of limitations Which aspect has the greatest impact on how the recipient evaluates the advice? Which aspect does SICK advice refer to? Be able to define and recognize examples of: positive facework, negative facework, steps of SICK advice