Collaborative Relationships With Parents Jan Heppner Special Education Consultant RDSB

Rationale It is of benefit to build “bridges”, not walls between parents and educators. When the adults in a child’s life are squabbling, it is ultimately the child who is hurt. “When elephants fight, it is the grass that gets trampled.”

Rationale….. Countless selfless, devoted, creative and gifted teachers invest limitless time and energy in designing and implementing programs to meet the unique learning needs of kids. Sometimes all this work is lost to parents and all the potential for collaborative relationships is lost if things are not well-presented.

Ten Things Parents Wish Teachers Would Do Build student’s self-esteem Become familiar with each child’s needs Communicate honestly and openly with parent Assign effective homework Set reasonably high academic standards Care about the kids Be fair Enforce positive discipline Use a variety of teaching methods Encourage parental participation

Ten Things Teachers Wish Parents Would Do Be involved in child’s education Provide resources at home for reading and learning Set a good example Encourage children to do their best at school Emphasize academics Support school rules and goals Use parental pressure positively Be proactive Accept parental responsibilities Inform school of situations that may impact school performance

Where are the parents of exceptional students? Working two part-time jobs to make ends meet Buried under a mountain of paperwork and unpaid bills At home diapering their 15 year old son Fighting with their son/daughter over homework completion. Where is the agenda again? Sleeping in shifts because their child won’t sleep more than 2 or 3 hours a night and must be constantly watched

Where are the parents?... Struggling to keep a marriage together because adversity doesn’t always bring you closer Sitting at home with their child because no one will help with child-care. Trying to spend time with their non-disabled children Struggling to help with homework when they themselves can’t read Busy, trying to survive

What Parents Need To Know Their child is valued Their child is accepted and belongs Their child is viewed as a whole individual Their child is not classified or compared with others *Challenge stereotypes, classifications, assumptions Their child’s rights are being protected They are receiving support for inclusion as opposed to integration

Things to Consider…. Parents travel on a journey from denial to acceptance This is not a one-time journey, but one that must be repeated frequently Parents will jump back to denial during times of stress or heartache or broken dreams You don’t really understand, but you can show interest and empathy “Listen with your heart” If you have a good relationship with parents, you can tell them anything. If you don’t, you can’t tell them anything.

Tips on Meeting with Parents Introduce all people at the table Be welcoming and inviting Speak in clear, easily understood language within a structured process with defined procedures Don’t ask what the parents want – ask what the child requires Model for the parents how to communicate collaboratively

More tips… Allow sufficient time to talk There will never be enough money or resources….try to accentuate the positive and don’t complain about lack of support. This only destroys parents’ confidence in our abilities. Start with a positive comment. When you run into conflict, it is sometimes useful to employ the “broken record” technique.

Yet more tips…… Don’t meet alone with parents if you know it will be a difficult meeting. Try to have a witness. Stick to your guns in an assertive manner and if you can’t reach agreement, reconvene the meeting. To end a meeting, ask each person if they have anything more to add, or any questions to ask. Often this will bring out something really important. Some catch phrases: “No one knows your child better than you do.” “I can understand how you feel.”

Thought for the day Pretend that the student is the child of your best friend. How would you explain things to your best friend? How compassionate would you be?

Words of Wisdom.. I’ve come to a frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in a parent meeting. As a Resource Teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a parent’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humour, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a parent humanized or de-humanized.” Haim Ginott