Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Warning: this lesson covers topics some students may find distressing. Please let me know at any time if you need a break and a safe space.

Behaviours in Relationships Positive Negative See worksheet This may cause debate with some examples (eg. some students may like their partner texting everyday; others may find this intrusive) - encourage students to think about “communication and consent” Students can add their own examples

What are some of your deal-breakers? We all have different needs in a relationship Some things can be negotiated Some things are non-negotiable We all have different deal-breakers: some are major and pretty much universal; others are more personal http://respectnotfear.co.uk/flash/pyramid.html I once dated a man who was a keen beekeeper - and I’m terrified of bees! I don’t know how we would have been able to cope with that.

CHANGING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOURS Jamie’s noticed Robin has been acting strangely- Robin is busier than usual, and doesn’t seem to want to spend much time with Jamie. However, they seem fine around everyone else, and Jamie is worried that Robin might be cheating. Jamie reads Robin’s phone messages without permission CHANGING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOURS Identify the behaviour Understand the reasons why you engage in the behaviour What can you do to change the behaviour? Jamie should stop looking at Robin’s messages, first of all. Jamie should also ask Robin what’s going on, and both of them should openly communicate any issues and their feelings It’s motivated by insecurity over the change in their relationship, and the lack of communication about why this change has happened Jamie’s behaviour is an invasion of Robin’s privacy Students to use flow chart and model to address either a negative behaviour of their own or one of the things they put in the “negative” column

Recognising Abuse Warning: This section covers topics some students may find distressing. Please let me know at any time if you need a break and a safe space. What one word would you use to sum up relationship abuse? Abuse isn’t always physical violence http://www3.camden.gov.uk/notlove/ http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/blinders_off_getting_a_good_look_at_abuse_and_assault The This Is Abuse/Hollyoaks series of videos are a further great resource for this: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpiKAni4x_F9hJLNnsUKDgQ

Minimising/denying blame Abuse Peer pressure Emotional abuse Using social status Intimidation Minimising/denying blame Threats Isolation/ exclusion Sexual coercion Students to complete spider diagram, adding examples of types of behaviour to each spoke http://teacherweb.com/BC/HDStaffordMiddleSchool/Sandquist/TeenPowerandControlWheel.jpg

Abusers are not abusive 100% of the time This can make it hard to leave, or get help http://www.dayoneny.org/dayone/get_informed/know_your_rights/

Sam and Ali have been having a few arguments lately – and Sam’s taken to shoving Ali, or throwing objects around the room. Sam always apologises afterwards. Ali should forgive Sam- after all, they do say sorry! Ali should leave. If they stay, it’s their own fault if the abuse continues. Ali should ask Sam to go to relationship counselling to fix the problems. Ali should avoid picking fights with Sam. What advice would you give? What’s wrong with this advice? Whose behaviour needs to change? Remember though- Ali might still need support If you’re worried about your own behaviour in a relationship, you can contact Respect for help http://respect.uk.net/ 0808 802 4040 The victim of abuse is NEVER to blame for their abuser’s behaviour When the target of abuse is blamed for the abuser’s behaviour Victim blaming

An apology does not fix violent behaviour. Sam and Ali have been having a few arguments lately – and Sam’s taken to shoving Ali, or throwing objects around the room. Sam always apologises afterwards. An apology does not fix violent behaviour. Sam needs to seek help to change their behaviour. Ali may wish to consider leaving the relationship, and may need support to do so.

What abusive behaviours can you spot? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi8kYcl2Y38

Getting help The National Domestic Violence Helpline Contact 999 if you are in immediate danger The National Domestic Violence Helpline www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk 0808 2000 247 The ‘This Is Abuse’ campaign has a detailed list of organisations you can contact for help http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help Broken Rainbow provides support to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in abusive relationships www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/ 0300 999 5428 It is important to make this section available to students without them having to ask for it. Printing this slide as a compulsory handout, or making the information available on the school website are two ways to approach this. You could also include local organisations who can help with domestic abuse.

What extra information do we need to know? Explore each situation How could the scenarios alter depending on the behaviours of the people involved? What extra information do we need to know? What information do you think each person in the scenario needs to know? Extension: write a scenario of your own. Show how it can have a positive outcome or a negative outcome, depending on the behaviours of each person. What advice would you give each couple? Students should consider all the ways the scenario could differ. Gender neutral names are used- encourage students to think about the different gender make ups of the relationships- does this change things? (Short answer, no, except possibly in Jay and Kai’s case if Kai is not out to their parents.) Also encourage students to think about how societal perceptions of gender might influence feelings (eg. If Ali is male, he may feel embarrassed seeking help- encourage students to understand this and advise accordingly.) The following slides show aspects for the students to consider: worksheets available

Are the two connected? Ask or demand? Taylor should not feel pressured to have sex. Cam buys Taylor an expensive video game. Later that night, Cam asks for sex. Interactive game: http://respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/consent.htm

Jay and Kai have been dating for three months Jay and Kai have been dating for three months. Jay wants to meet Kai’s parents, but Kai says, “I’m just not ready.” What are some valid reasons Kai might not want Jay to meet their parents?

Harper has sent Kel some nude photos – Kel’s friends know this, and have asked to see the pictures. Kel should not show the photos to anyone, under any circumstances and should tell their friends their request is wrong. If Harper is under 18 and Kel sends the photos, Kel could be charged with distributing child pornography. Interactive game: http://respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/consent.htm

Consent cannot be fully given if one party is not sober. Nic and Lou go to a party, where Nic gets drunk. They end up in a situation where sex seems likely. Consent cannot be fully given if one party is not sober. They should wait to discuss this when they are both sober. Interactive game: http://respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/consent.htm

One minute advice Let’s share our ideas You have one minute to write, speak, or sketch advice to someone about to start dating Let’s share our ideas