Teen Dating Violence

What is dating violence? Not simply physical violence Threats of violence Extreme jealousy Controlling behavior Sexual abuse Most commonly occurs in at one of the partner’s homes 19% of Chicago youth report being hit, slapped or hurt on purpose by a partner (2009 YRBS) Source: Between Friends www.betweenfriendschicago.org

What does abuse look like? Physical Abuse Punching Shoving Slapping Kicking Pinching Hair-pulling Burning

What does abuse look like? Verbal/Emotional Abuse Name-calling Criticizing Swearing Yelling Extreme jealousy Humiliation Possessiveness Isolating someone from friends and family Giving orders Searching someone’s phone, locker, or bedroom

What does abuse look like? Sexual Abuse Unwanted touching Pressuring someone into sexual activity Forcing someone into sexual activity Treating someone like a sex object Note: It is unlawful for males to have sexual relations with females under the age of 18 to whom they are not married.

Notes: Explanation of stages is in coming slides.

The Tension Phase Victim often feels as though s/he is walking on eggshells Victim is extra careful not to trigger an explosion Victim senses growing tension in the abuser Victim fears abuse could occur at any moment Abuser may be moody or irritable

The Abuse/Explosion Phase What most people think of when they hear of an abusive relationship Yelling, hitting, pushing, punching, rape and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual violence Abuser may make threats of future violence against the victim, victim’s family or pets Can also take the form of extreme psychological or emotional abuse such as insults, mind games, embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty Notes: This is what most people think of when they think or hear of an abusive relationship. In the abuse/explosion phase the abuse is more visible. It can involve yelling, hitting, punching, destruction of property, rape and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual violence. The abuser may make threats of future violence against the victim or the victim’s family or pets. The abuse can also take the form of extreme psychological or emotional abuse. This can include insults, mind games, embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty by locking them in a room, checking their cell phone or email, refusing to let them leave the house, or even restricting their access to food or the bathroom.

The Honeymoon Phase A cycle can begin or end (often known as the reconciliation phase) with this phase. The abuser often apologizes and promises that things will be better and that he/she will change Victim regains hope Abuser may blame the victim for the explosion Abuser is sweet and romantic to cement the reconciliation Notes: The honeymoon or reconciliation phase begins and ends the cycle of abuse. In this phase the abuser makes attempts to regain control of the victim by apologizing, promising that things will get better and saying he/she will change. This causes the victim to regain hope in the relationship. The abuser may also blame the victim for the explosion and tell the victim that they are forgiven but that in the future they must help the abuser so that this does not happen again. The abuser will often reconcile things by giving the victim flowers, gifst, and be sweet or romantic in an effort to reinforce that a time of peace and love had come to relationship.

Warning signs of abuse Extreme jealousy Constant put-downs Making fun of the other person Telling the other person what to do Violent temper Verbal threats Controlling what someone does, wears, or who they see Possessiveness Forcing someone to “block” friends or ignore phone calls Constant calls, texts and emails Checking calls on someone’s cell phone Changing someone’s social media information or passwords

If you are abused, remember… You deserve better. Do not put up with abuse. You are not alone. People from all backgrounds experience abuse. It is not your fault that you are abused. It is a choice that the abuser makes. The longer you stay the worse the abuse will become. Being drunk, high, or angry is NOT an excuse for abuse. Someone cares. Tell a trusted adult.

How to Help a Friend Do not ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend and express your concerns. Do not blame your friend. Listen to your friend’s feelings. Believe your friend. Let your friend know they deserve better. Encourage your friend to tell a trusted adult. Call the police if you believe your friend is in danger.