Engaging Conflict and Navigating Change Greg Abell Sound Options Group, LLC grega@somtg.com soundoptionsgroup.com

Seminar Objectives What is it that makes some conversations so difficult? How do I understand and influence the “structure” of the conversation? How do I increase my confidence when engaging challenging conversations? What makes change so challenging? What are some proactive strategies for increasing our collective capacity for engaging difficult conversations and navigating change? Do assumption exercise before next slide.

Conversational Structures Changing the structure of the conversation can change the nature of the relationship.

What makes some conversations more difficult? Perception of difference or threat Involve issues of significance Strong emotions Pivotal to the relationship Characterized by “approach/avoidance”

Why Do We Avoid Difficult Conversations? Kevin Surace, CEO of Serious Materials, and Inc. magazine’s 2009 Entrepreneur of the Year, when asked, “What’s the most significant barrier to creativity and innovation?” responded, “I don’t know if it has a name, but honestly, it’s the fear of introducing an idea and being ridiculed, laughed at, and belittled. If you’re willing to subject yourself to that experience, and if you survive it, then it becomes the fear of failure and the fear of being wrong. IT’S ALL ABOUT SAFETY!

What we often fear! We may hurt the other person. They may react by telling us something we do not want to hear. We may damage the relationship. The relationship may change.

What is your relationship to Conflict?

Activity #1 Identify 2-3 events in your life that you believe shaped the way in which you currently relate to conflict. Why were they significant? What did you learn about conflict? About yourself? How do these experiences affect how you act in conflict today? Share in dyads or triads.

Ingredients of a Conflict Two or more people interact and perceive incompatible difference or threats Resources Needs Values Ann behave and respond Choice Point! to escalate or deescalate the conflict

“Universal Human Paradigm” Tracy Goss There is a way that things should be. And when they are that way, things are right with the world. When they’re not that way, there’s either something wrong with me (the interpreter of events), with them (other people), or with it (anything in the world). And we need to fix it.

Your “Winning Strategy” Tracy Goss A Winning Strategy is a lifelong, unconscious formula for achieving success. You did not design this Winning Strategy, it designed you. As a human being, and as a leader, it is the source of your success and at the same time the source of your limitations. It defines your reality, your way of being, and your way of thinking. This, in turn, focuses your attention and shapes your actions, thereby determining what’s possible and not possible for you as a leader.

Five Conflict-Handling Styles Assertive Competing Collaborating Compromising ASSERTIVENESS Take assessment as leader Sort into groups of dominant style What are strengths and challenges of your style as leader in conflict – what might you do to engage effectively with different styles Avoiding Accommodating Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative COOPERATIVENESS

What is your current “Winning Strategy” for Conflict? What do you believe to be your preferred or dominant conflict style? What about a situation might have you shift away from your preferred style? When will you you choose to engage conflict? What about a situation or context might invite your participation? What does engagement look like? When will you choose to avoid conflict? What about a situation might inhibit your engagement? What does avoidance look like?

One example Conflict flows from life. Rather than seeing conflict as a threat, we can understand it as providing opportunities to grow and to increase our understanding of ourselves, of others, of our social structures. Conflicts in relationships at all levels are the way life helps us to stop, assess, and take notice. One way to truly know our humanness is to recognize the gift of conflict in our lives. John Paul Lederach

A second example In great teams, conflict becomes productive. The free flow of conflicting ideas is critical for creative thinking, for discovering new solutions no one individual would have come to on his own. Peter Senge

Conversational Structures Every conversation has a structure that invites certain kinds of responses and inhibits other kinds of responses. We approach most difficult situations prepared to tell the other person something that is important to us. Our preparation involves how we can tell the other person in a way that will be effective. Choose your conversation or it will choose you.

Two Types of Stances TELLING Judgment Hubris Pretense Dismiss LEARNING Curiosity Humble Presence Acknowledge

Conversation Structure & Choices Reflective Dialogue Generative Dialogue Suspend Choice Point Conversation Deliberation Skillful Conversation Dialectic Choice Point Defend Controlled Discussion Debate Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together William Issacs

In a “Learning” Stance Shift your internal orientation from: Certainty to Curiosity Debate to Exploration Simplicity to Complexity “Either/Or” to” And”

Quotes Individually intelligent people can collectively make stupid decisions from shallow pools of understanding. One measure of a groups intelligence is the depth of its shared pool of understanding.

Some Initial Skills Awareness Self-Management “Going to the balcony” Acknowledging style and default behaviors Self-Management “Shifting from judgment and fear to curiosity and compassion” Responsibility = response ability Moving from “Blame”to“Contribution”

Reflect on the following questions: ACTIVITY: #2 Describe a recent or current difficult conversation in which you were involved, one that has left you puzzled about what occurred or about the outcome? What troubles you about the situation? How do you describe the participants in this situation? How do you describe yourself? What about the situation has left you puzzled? What is the“cost”of not having this conversation?

Two different sets of Lenses for analyzing the situation A new way of seeing Two different sets of Lenses for analyzing the situation

SOLUTION OPTIONS P1 P2 ISSUE I1 I2 COMMON GROUND

See the Story

Understanding the Story We organize our experiences in narrative form. We use stories to make sense of our our lives and our relationships. Our stories are influenced by social and cultural contexts. We act on the stories, shaping the direction of the plot. Stories are not designed to tell the scientific truth.

The Ladder of Inference Chris Argyris The Reflexive Loop Our beliefs influence the data we select when we find ourselves in similar circumstances. We tend to select data that supports our beliefs We take action based on these beliefs and feelings We adopt beliefs and feelings about the situation or person We add meaning We select data Observable data and experience

Conflict Stories are Stuck Stories Stuck conflict stories become simple and fixed. Judgment and accusations are tightly woven into the characters. The stories are rehearsed and edited. The storyteller experiences the story account as true. There are truths about the storyteller embedded within the story.

Return to your situation ACTIVITY: #3 Reflect on your personal scenario in the context these two frameworks: What is the issue? What are the positions? Yours? Theirs? What are the interests? Yours? Theirs Or What is your story about this situation? What assumptions are embedded in your story? What elements have you left out of your story? What is the cost of maintaining the current story? Share your reflections with your partner

What makes Change so Challenging?

Managing Transitions Making the Most of Change William Bridges

Differentiating Change from Transition Change is not the same as Transition Change is situational Transition is the psychological process people go through to come to terms with the new situation. Change is external, Transition is internal Unless Transition occurs, Change will not work Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change William Bridges

“When we talk about change we naturally focus on the outcome that the change will produce.” “Transition is different. The starting point for transition is not the outcome but the ending you will have to make to leave the old situation behind.”

Phases of Transition Ending or Letting Go The Neutral Zone New Beginnings

Authors of How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work Immunity to Change How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization Robert Kegan Lisa Laskow Lahey Authors of How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work

The Immunity X-Ray Commitment (Improvement Goal) Doing/Not Doing Instead Hidden Competing Commitments Big Assumptions Worry Box: Activity #4: Discuss your experience with these two models. Personally? Professionally?

Preparation: Things to Consider Work on Me First Focus on What You Really Want – Get clear on your commitment Refocus your brain and your heart – Find your bearings

Engaging “At Integrity” Choosing to Align Action with Commitments --

Two Guiding Questions . . . Being: What is this situation calling me to Be as I engage? and Who am I committed to Be in this situation? Doing: What will I choose to Do in this situation that will keep me in alignment with my commitment(s)?

Initiating the Conversation Make it Safe Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect Learn to Look Learn to Look for When a Conversation Becomes Crucial and/or Safety is Compromised Increase Self-Awareness Know when to step out of Content into Conditions Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler

Being Proactive Sometimes we need to have a conversation about how we are going to have the conversation before we have the conversation. Identifying our commitments as a group Planning for engaging “in-integrity” Creating Shared Expectations Holding ourselves accountable to these expectations ACTIVITY#5 Share your experience with setting and following shared expectations

Active Listening Being vs. Doing Key Elements Attending Responding Encourage Restate Reflect Reframe Summarize 5 Reasons Lets person know you’re listening Clarification of intent/impact Facilitates exploration Defuses emotion Slows process

Questions provide focus Questions can refocus our attention towards a different conversation, a different relationship, a different outcome, a different story.

Intentional Inquiry Intentional inquiry is a method of asking questions with a purpose in mind. The inquiring person intends to inspire reflection and new thinking. Intentional inquiry invites the storyteller to step beyond the stuck conflict story into a new resolution story.

Crafting Intentional Questions Broadening Questions Clarifying Questions Explaining Questions Exploring Questions Challenging Questions Brainstorming Questions Consequential Questions

ACTIVITY #6: Returning to your difficult situation Formulating a Question of Genuine Curiosity What question of genuine curiosity could you pose to the other person? What question would shift the conversational structure from a telling conversation to a learning conversation?

Closing questions What new concept, understanding or skill will be most useful to you? What specific action will you commit to in order to apply this learning?