Bullying Workshop Presentation by: Mary Boncher, PTA Psychologist Joshua Goldstein, School Counselor February 10, 2017

Goals of Bullying Workshop Have a common understanding as parents and school of what bullying is what it is not Understand the roles played in bullying situations Have some strategies for intervention Know where to access Board of Educations regulations at schools.nyc.gov/respectforall

Role Plays Challenging peer situations Bullying situations The space in between Questions to ask to sort out if it is bullying

What is Bullying? Unwanted, aggressive behavior Involves an imbalance of power Behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time

Imbalance of Power Kids who bully use their power, such as popularity, strength or wealth, cognitive ability They use this imbalance of power to intentionally harm or control others

Types of Bullying Physical hitting a person’s body or possession taking someone’s things, spitting making mean or rude hand gestures damaging /destroying someone’s property Social/Relational done with the intent of hurting someone’s reputation embarrassing someone leaving someone out telling others not to be friends with that person saying or writing mean things Verbal threatening to cause harm inappropriate sexual gestures teasing, name calling D. Cyberbullying

Teasing versus Bullying Teasing can be annoying and upsetting Not intended to gain power over another person or to do harm Teasing can be playful Teasing is not okay if either person finds it hurtful

Roles Kids Play in Bullying Situation Can be the bully Can be the one being bullied Can witness the bullying Kids can play more than one role Important not to label the kids - send message that kids cannot change -fail to recognize multiple roles kids can play -disregards other factors (peer influence)

BULLIES

Common traits of Bullies Like to dominate other people Like to use other people to get what they want Find it hard to see a situation from other person’s perspective Concerned only with own wants Tend to hurt other kids when adults are not around View weaker kids as prey Use blame, criticism, and false allegations to project their own inadequacies onto target Lack foresight – ability to consider consequences Crave attention Holds contempt for target Masking deep hurt feelings and inadequacy Learn to be bullies by the way they were treated by bigger and more powerful people in their lives

Children More Likely to Bully Others Are aggressive and easily frustrated Have less involved parents or having issues at home Think badly of others Have difficulty following rules View violence in a positive way Have other friends who bully

Types of Bullies Confident bully – big ego, sense of entitlement, powerful Social bully – uses rumor, gossip, verbal taunts and shunning Fully armored bully – cool and detached, shows little emotions,vicious and vindictive Hyperactive bully - poorly developed social skills, does not process social cues accurately, often reads hostile intent into other kids’ innocent actions Bullied bully – motivated by feelings of powerlessness Bunch of bullies – group of friends who collectively do something they would never do individually Gang of bullies – strategic alliance in pursuit of power, control,     Domination, subjugation, turf

Consequences of Bullying On Bullies Become reinforced in not taking responsibility for behaviors Reinforced in not taking alternative perspectives or exercising empathy Higher likelihood of underachievement in academic setting. More likely to have difficulty in relationships across a life time More likely to become abusive spouses or parents More likely to engage in criminal activities as adults.

Signs Your Child May be Bullying Others   Blame others for their problems Don’t accept responsibility for their actions Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity  Get into physical or verbal fights Have friends who bully others Are increasingly aggressive Get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently Have unexplained extra money or new belongings

The Victim

Children at Risk of Being Bullied Seen as different by peer (overweight, new kid at school, different clothing, can’t afford to wear what others do, food allergy, medical condition) Are less popular than others and have few friends Are depressed, anxious, or have low self esteem Are perceived as weak and unable to defend themselves Do not get along with others and seen as annoying

Why Kids Don’t Ask for Help Bullying can make a child feel helpless. Don’t think anyone can help Kids are afraid they are tattling Have learned that ratting on peers is bad and not cool Kids may fear retaliation from the kid who bullied them. Shame Bullying can be a humiliating experience. Kids may not want adults to know what is being said about them, whether true or false. They may fear that adults will judge or punish them for being weak. Kids who are bullied may already feel socially isolated. They may feel like no one cares or could understand. Don’t think anyone will help. Kids may fear being rejected by their peers. Friends can help protect kids from bullying. Kids can fear losing this support. Have bought into belief that bullying is part of growing up Have been bullied by adults

Consequences of Bullying On Victims: (1) low self esteem depression and anxiety: increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. health complaints missing school

Consequences of Bullying On Victims: (2) decreased school attendance and participation decreased academic achievement— GPA standardized test scores They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school. more likely to drop out of school becoming aggressive/vengeful themselves contemplating suicide

Warning Signs that Your Child may be being bullied Unexplainable injuries Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness Changes in eating habits, like suddenly skipping meals or binge eating. Kids may come home from school hungry because they did not eat lunch. Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations Feelings of helplessness or decreased self esteem Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide

The Bystander

The bystander aid the bully through acts of omission and commission stand idly by actively encourage the bully join in Increase the stress of the target

Consequences of Bullying On Bystanders Self-respect and self-esteem eroded by not taking a moral stand complicity in allowing bullying to occur sets conditions to become full-fledged bullies become reinforced in not showing empathy for others not learning to take accountability

Helping the Bystander 1.Discuss with bystander child role he/she might have played Follower/henchmen-take an active part but do not initiate  Supporter -support bullying, do not take an active part Passive supporters- like the bullying, do not display open support  Disengaged onlookers – watch, say “it is none of my business.” Possible defender- dislike the bullying, think they should help but don’t Defender of the Target - dislike the bullying, help or try to help the target

Research shows that… peers were involved in 85% of the bullying episodes peers reinforced the bullying in 81% of the episodes peers were more respectful and friendly towards the bullies than the targets peers were active participants in 48% of the episodes peers intervened in only 13% of the episodes

Why stand by and watch? fear of getting hurt fear of becoming a new target fear of doing something that will make the situation worse not know what to do

Bystanders have excuses the bully is my friend it’s not my problem she’s not my friend he’s a loser she deserved it-had it coming bullying will toughen him up they’re the in-group

INTERVENTIONS

What to do if you suspect your child is bullying others Intervene immediately Talk to your child, calmly. Address why child might be engaging in bullying behavior. Explain why bullying behavior is unacceptable for self and victims Show child what he has done wrong. Help child establish ownership of the problem Establish rules and consequences regarding aggressive behaviors Offer a process for solving the problem created Discuss alternatives to aggressive behavior Teach alternative to bullying behaviors Create opportunities to do good Praise for use of alternative behavior Nurture empathy Teach friendship skills Monitor child's TV viewing and video game playing Help engage child in more creative activities

Helping the Bullied Child DO'S Actively listen Convey support Let child know it is not his/her fault Let child know there are things he/she can do Help child process feelings and distinguish telling from tattling Report bullying to school personnel DON’T'S Minimize, rationalize, or explain away the bullying Rush to solve problem Tell the child to avoid the bully Tell the child to fight back Confront the bully or the bully's parents alone

Antidotes to Bullying A strong sense of self Teach ways to have make and keep friends Teach ways to join and work in a group Teach problem solving skills Teach conflict resolution skills

HELPING THE BY STANDER Identify bystander role played Teach that there is no innocent bystander Remember that helping bystanders take a stand against bullying is crucial to sopping bullying Help child re cognize they are responsible for creating Safety Respect Bully-free environment

Pledge Pledge to be part of the solution Eliminate taunting from own behavior Encourage others to do the same Do part to make community a safe place by being more sensitive to others Set an example of a caring  individual Eliminate profanity towards others from language Not let words and actions hurt others.

Create a Caring School Community A. Partner with the School B. Become familiar with the anti-bullying policy at child’s school  C. Discuss school rules and behavior expectations with your child.