Making Sense of Your Child’s Behavior Strengthening social and emotional health Making Sense of Your Child’s Behavior

Have you ever found yourself reacting to things your child says or does by … by yelling, punishing or scolding And afterward do you feel bad or guilty?

Why this workshop. What will make it worth your time Why this workshop? What will make it worth your time? Your proudest parenting moment?

What Children Need Stable and loving relationships with adults Responsive and reciprocal interaction Protection from harm Encouragement for exploration and learning Transmission of cultural values A safe and predictable environment Growth-promoting experiences (Shonkoff, Phillps, ed.)

What Children Want Children want to belong Children want to be loved

Resilience Wholesome attachments Sense of empowerment Age and ability appropriate competence Skills to cope with what happens in life Settings which promote positive outcomes

We are social beings Therefore, all behavior, including misbehavior: Is orderly Is purposeful Is directed toward achieving social approval

How we feel when kids misbehave

Praise … a reward given for a completed achievement … tells students they have satisfied the demands of others … is patronizing. The person who praises has a superior position … stimulates competition … stimulates selfishness

Encouragement … an acknowledgement of an effort … helps students evaluate their own performance … a message between equals … stimulates cooperation … stimulates helpfulness

Goals of misbehavior 1) To get attention 2) To have power and control 3) To get revenge 4) They feel helpless or inadequate

The Brain: Three Scoops of Ice Cream From Vanilla to Tin Roof Sundae

Ancient Brain Enables us to dodge hazards, seize opportunities, and live to see another day. Regulates basic functions Lieberman, P. (2000). Human Language and Our Reptilian Brain. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press 14

Emotional Brain Humans have the largest limbic system of any animal, making them the most emotional animals yet to walk the earth. 15

engaging in problem solving. cognitive flexibility attention Thinking Brain The neo-cortex provides planned reasoning toward a goal. It supports engaging in problem solving. cognitive flexibility attention 16

Three Scoops of Ice Cream The most basic: Survival Heart rate, breathing Visual and auditory input Limbic: More memory More emotional range Neo-Cortex: Problem solving, Flexibility Attention

When arousal is very high (emotional melt-down in progress), it is not a good time for learning. Time to calm down is needed. When arousal is moderate (distress or excitement), it is a good time to practice self-regulation with coaching. When arousal is low, children can learn about concepts, but cannot practice “real-life” self-regulation.

Why behavior programs, stickers, charts are not enough…. Direct commands and external consequences can get children to follow rules and behave obediently, but…. External controls alone do not foster good relationships with others, empathy, or self-control capabilities.

Praise … a reward given for a completed achievement external motivation … tells children they have satisfied the demands of others. Loss of internal self … is patronizing. The person who praises has a superior position … too much: insincere

Praise is like frosting on a cake. A little makes it taste better and too much will ruin everything. -Ruth A. Peters. Ph.D.

“Will you still love me if I don’t win the race?” Praise = external If you do something I consider good… you will have the reward of being recognized and valued by me. “Will you still love me if I don’t win the race?”

Children need encouragement like a plant needs water. -Garry Landreth

Acknowledges the child’s effort. Encouragement Acknowledges the child’s effort. It helps a child develop internal motivation and to value him or herself. Helps a child learn to give credit to him/herself and to appreciate his/her own abilities. Self-concept isn’t dependent on someone else.

Focus is on internal evaluation and the contributions children make. Encouragement Focus is on internal evaluation and the contributions children make. Teaches that mistakes happen, effort counts and it’s more important to believe in yourself. Develops children who are more persistent, determined and tend to be good problem-solvers.

Key concept Encouragement Deals with the child’s efforts and accomplishments not with his/her character or personality attributes

The Result … Children will learn to become self-motivated and not look/wait for other’s praise and comments to determine self-worth.

Summary…. Encouragement Values and accepts children as they are and doesn’t put conditions on acceptance. Points out the positive aspects of behavior. Shows faith in children, so that they can come to believe in themselves. Recognizes effort and improvement (rather than requiring achievement). Shows appreciation for contributions.