The Many Possibilities of Parenting Approaches

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk Written for parents, easy to use for clinicians! Contents include: Helping children deal with their feelings Engaging cooperation Alternatives to punishment Encouraging autonomy Praise Freeing children from playing roles

Using “How to Talk…” in Practice Help parents “get a feel” for the book by flipping though it and providing a rationale for its use. Start with Chapter 1 and help parents engage thoughtfully with the material. Use individually or in groups (powerful this way!) Work through the book sequentially and make changes to parenting practices gradually. Practice putting each skill into action and recording the results (like a weekly action plan!)

Treatment Planning When used in context of child and adolescent counseling, this becomes part of an intervention to help manage youth behavior. Goal: Aimee will increase her ability to control aggressive impulses and behaviors. Intervention: Aimee’s parents, Elena and John, will participate in parent education and training using the “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk” manual to increase their ability to help Aimee regulate her emotions, engage with her cooperatively, and learn alternatives to punishment to manage her behavior.

Session Notes Presenting Issue: What did we talk about today? Intervention: What did we do (using our amazing evidence-based curriculum) to support the resolution or mitigation of the issue? Outcome: How did it go? (subjective and objective) Homework: What action plan did we come up with? Referrals: Who else did I recommend the client get involved with? Plan: What are we going to do next time?

Practice Time!

What You Can Do Model responsible approaches to affect management by helping kiddos deal with feelings during moments when they are experiencing behavioral issues Rehabilitate the effects of previous learning through encouraging attending in between moments of distress

Helping Kiddos Deal with Their Feelings when Experiencing Behavioral Issues There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave When kids feel right, they behave right We can help kids feel right by accepting their feelings Problem: Many kiddos likely live a lifetime of non-acceptance You don’t really feel that way You’re just saying that because you’re tired You’re acting like a punk, a ___________, a ___________ .

Let’s Look at Some Examples I don’t like the new baby… Response denying feelings : ____________________________ My birthday party sucked, that was stupid (after all the trouble you went through) This food sucks. I want Whataburger. My teacher sucks, ma’am. Just because I messed up, they failed me on my quiz. I hate my parents, they don’t care about me (even though you see them as caring)

Ways We Often try to Help, but Don’t Questioning and Interrogation What exactly were you thinking? You didn’t think you would get caught? Why didn’t you just leave? Defending the Other Person I can understand where your parents are coming from, they are probably just under a lot of stress. You’re lucky it doesn’t happen more often. Pity That stinks. I feel bad for you, man. That’s not cool. Denial of Feelings Chill out. There’s no reason to be upset. It’s not as bad as you are making it. Smile! You have a great smile- use it! Getting Philosophical Look, life is going to be that way. Things don’t always end up like you want, nothing is perfect in this world. Giving Advice You know what I think you should do? ________________________________________ ________________________________________

To Help Deal with Feelings Listen with Full Attention Acknowledge feelings with a word – “oh” .. “Mhmm” … “I see.” Give their feelings a name Give them their wish in fantasy Let’s Practice

Promoting Development During the Between Moments Being Encouraging & Making Encouraging Observations

Encouragement: Definition & Rationale Encouragement helps people believe that they can find solutions and can cope with any predicament Rationale: We receive a lot of mixed messages growing up Rather than focus on acts, evaluations tend to be personal Enough invalidation, leads to Discouragement Low self-efficacy Dependability on others to solve problems for you or social referencing Resorting to ineffective coping strategies Drugs, stealing, Resorting to passive manipulations that stymie development into a responsible person Complaining Threatening Blaming Bribing

Encouragement: Assumptions The effort is emphasized rather than the outcome What is being done correctly matters more than what is not being done correctly Intrinsic motivation rather than extrinsic motivation is expressed What one is doing is more important than how one is doing it The present focus is more important that the past or future The deed is what is important rather than the doer Let’s Practice! Communicating this way takes practice until responding this way is spontaneous and genuine

Engaging Cooperation

Cooperation: Definition & Rationale Engaging children’s cooperation involves helping children behavior in ways that are acceptable to their parents and to society Necessitates balancing adult needs with children’s desires ”I’ll do what I want” versus “You’ll do what I say” Involves helping children adjust to societal norms by doing (and not doing) particular things Taking care of personal hygiene Using good manners Accomplishing daily tasks at home and in school

Mistakes We Make When Trying to Engage Cooperation Commands “You still didn’t take out the garbage? What are you waiting for?! Do it right this second. Move!” Lecturing & Moralizing “Do you think that was a nice thing to do—to grab that from me? You don’t realize how important good manners are. You wouldn’t do that to somebody else, would you?” Warnings “Don’t climb there! Do you want to fall?” Comparisons “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Prophecy “You lied to be about your report card, didn’t you? Do you know what you’re going to be when you grow up? A person nobody can trust.” Blaming and Accusing “You made a mess AGAIN. Why do you always do that? How many times do I have to tell you?” Name Calling “Look at the way you eat! You’re such a slob.” Threats “If you’re not finished dressing by the time I count to three, I’m leaving without you!” Martyrdom Statements “Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Make me sick?!" Sarcasm “Is this the homework you’re bringing to school tomorrow? Well, maybe your teacher can read Chinese, but I can’t.”

Steps to Engaging Cooperation Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when someone just describes it to you. When grown- ups describe the problem, it gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do Give information. Information is a lot easier to take than an accusation. When given information, children can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done. Say it with a word. In this case, less is more. Children dislike hearing lectures, sermons, and long explanations. For them, the shorter the reminder, the better. Talk about your feelings. Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful. Use the words, “I” or “I feel…” Write a note. Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written word.

Other tips… CHOICES! Giving choices can be a major key to engaging cooperation, as they enable youth to have some power over their lives. Choices must be acceptable to you to be effective. Coat must be worn outside. Wear it backwards or put it on straight? Blue coat or green coat? Teeth must be brushed. Brush them before your shower or after your shower? Curfew must be followed. Text you a reminder or come pick you up myself? Homework must be done. Do it before dinner or after dinner?