Love – Throughout History, and today

Love, Dating and Marriage What is love? Is it “reality”? – universal, biological Is it only in our imagination? – cultural, psychological Who do we fall in love with? Divine intervention? Socially determined choice among a limited set of potential partners? How do we fall in love? Dating – what are we doing when we are dating?

How do you know whether you are in love? Such as, never feeling hungry, becoming more happy and energetic, becoming more talkative than before and ever. But in a little time, since you start to think about that same person all the time, you recognize that the center of your world becomes her and she is the main reason for all those strange things. Cure: whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am home again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am whole again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am young again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am fun again

Love is … A strong emotional attachment among sexually mature individuals with some mixture of tenderness and sexual desire  Romantic love Distinction between lust, romantic love, and attachment

Lust Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.~ Mark Twain And when you love someone you want him/her to be with you all the time. Love is different from being attracted to the appearance of a person.

Facts of love Certain parts of the brain become deactivated when we're in love: areas linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation of trustworthiness and fear Certain parts of the brain become activated when we're in love: areas that can also be activated with cocaine use Lust is associated with dopamine (also activated by cocaine), norepinephrine (adrenalin), and serotonin (associated with various mental illnesses) Attachment is associated with oxytocin (the feeling of peace and happiness)

Facts of Love – Part II love is a very strong and complicated feeling that even mess with your health. some people don't eat (norepinephrine), some people eat a lot (dopamine), some can't think logically (serotonin), some feel very lucky, some feel cursed (dopamine) Love is a very strong feeling that you cannot have control over it or you cannot manage it (dopamine) Bon Jovi: Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more It is about feeling alive, hopeful and that you can save the world/ manage to do whatever you want (norepinephrine)

Facts of Love: Part III Aerosmith: (Oxytocin) I don't wanna miss one smile I don't wanna miss one kiss Well, I just wanna be with you Right here with you, just like this I just wanna hold you close Feel your heart so close to mine And stay here in this moment For all the rest of time Don't wanna close my eyes Shania Twain: All we need is just the two of us my dreams came true because of you

“Emotion” Universal (biological) or cultural? Subjective or objective? Universal biological bases Culturally controlled expression Subjective or objective? Can they be observed or only experienced?

Love: Universal or Social/Cultural? Among primitive societies there usually is no language for the word (emotion) “love.” In medieval societies the word “love” was reserved for the love of God. In Victorian Era (19th century) “love” was intensely private and not to be discussed in any shape or form in public. In 20th century new world, love is an essential aspect of human experience that much thought and media are devoted to. I think that love is a "test" that everyone should take in some part of their life (the age is not important) and hopefully pass the test

Expression of the emotion of “love” Primitive societies No expression formalized Ritual love of nature or natural forces Family formation as a means of organizing clan membership Pre-Christian horticultural-agrarian societies Family formation as a means of establishing lineage “Love” as a game of sexual conquest – male privilege for adventure and sex Emotional attachment towards the lineage and the state Admiration, erotic yearning of beauty Heterosexual or homosexual The goal of love was not marriage

Expression of the emotion of “love” Agrarian societies – post Christianity Emotional (platonic) “love” towards God All kinds of sexual love considered “evil” Emotional love not advisable in marriage Sexual “love” acceptable in marriage as a means of controlling sexual behavior Women are owned and controlled by fathers and husbands Woman’s love of her husband = her fidelity and obedience Man’s love of her wife = protection and strict control

Expression of the emotion of “love” Medieval (late agrarian) love Marriages were more business affairs than love affairs Lower class marriages depended on economic opportunities Kiss was a symbol of loyalty Love was reserved for an unattainable woman in aristocracy Vowing subordination to the woman It was part of life as a knight (military) Knights often came for lower classes and were elevated to aristocracy because of their battle success Lower class women were not appropriate targets of love Adultery was a possible outcome

Expression of the emotion of “love” Post industrial societies Love must be experienced and expressed The object of sexual love and emotional love must coincide Love must be a long term emotion Bryan Adams: She needs somebody, to tell her that it's gonna last forever Love must be mutually felt: I can not love someone who does not love me. It must be mutual. However: Sincere loyalty, affection, and care bestowed without obligation I think love is to like someone without any expectations

Similarities of the experience of love Love is culturally prescribed Experience will depend on historical/social/cultural conditions Experience will depend on gender Similar emotional experiences are bred by similar practices

Love continuum Anomaly: laughable or tragic Desirable: Necessary for marriage

How do societies control “love” Child marriages Seclusion of the sexes Strict prescriptions for the choice of mates Supervision of “love” by the family Life cycle stage control encouragement of love only at certain social-demographic stages of life

What happened to good love stories? High love drama Modern conditions for social restrictions on love do not exist Remaining restrictions are not severe enough to make “high drama” Romantic comedies Based on social status violations

Durkheim’s theory of rituals Face-to-face interaction Focus on a common object Shared emotional tone High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion Emotionally charged symbols representing group membership Delineation of “outsiders” and “insiders”

How do we fall in love? Love as a ritual Interaction ritual, based on Durkheim’s theory of rituals Face-to-face interaction Focus on a common object Shared emotional tone High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion Symbols representing group membership Consequences of violating symbols

Why doesn’t love last forever? But I think you also get used to love because by the time passes you do not feel the same excitement anymore or you do not feel so strong

Ritual of love cannot last forever Face-to-face interaction Requirements of daily living Focus on a common object Other matters such as school or work requires shifting of focus Shared emotional tone High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion Lack of high intensity interaction will result in diminishing emotion Symbols representing group membership May be lasting with lasting consequences of violating symbols

WHO do we fall in love with? Who do men fall in love with? Who do women fall in love with?

Love as a process of exchange Exchange between socially matched partners (propinquity and homophily) Physical characteristics - attractiveness Personality Skills Wealth Proximity The “value” of the partner must be approximately equal. The subjective value of what each partner has to offer to the other

Love as a process of exchange Finding some common discussible topics, finding pleasure in the same things and teaching one another new things that are not perceived before take times but the effort spent doing all things creates real and durable love. Also I don’t believe that there is only one love for you which is horrible even think about like that. I think there are many people that you can fall in love with.

Properties that are valued by women Provider-protector Women are, on average more dependent on marriage than men Companion Long term relationship Attractiveness

Properties that are valued by men Potentially satisfactory sexual partner Low level of need for long term commitment Attractiveness Men can afford “love at first sight” Care-taker Men expect certain returns to their economic support Economic potential is not as important because of the expected roles in a relationship

Preferences – research on personal ads Female preferences – from women’s ads Financially secure Affluent Professional Successful Male preferences – from men’s ads Attractive Slender Petite Sexy Full figure

Erich Goode’s research Placed 4 ads in 4 papers Beautiful, shapely, slender blonde, 5 ft 7 in, waitress, 30. ISO a man for lasting relationship. (668 responses; 160 per ad) Handsome, athletic single male, broad shoulders, 6ft, 32, cab driver. ISO woman for lasting relationship. (15 responses, 4 per ad) Successful woman lawyer, intelligent, financially secure, 30, average appearance. ISO man for lasting relationship. (240 responses; 60per ad) Successful, financially secure, intelligent, single male, attorney, 32, average looking. ISO women for lasting relationship. (64 responses, 16 per ad) Men respond to multiple ads

Resources Social status Wealth and future wealth Personal attractiveness Some personality characteristics

Attractiveness High degree of consistency in ratings of individuals in terms of attractiveness Culturally determined features Correlation between independent judge’s ratings: .87-.89 High degree of overestimation of one’s own attractiveness Gender gap: men overestimate more than women Women get more feedback Highly attractive individuals overestimate less than others Couples overestimate each other’s attractiveness How do we judge attractiveness Men: face, weight and how it is distributed Women: Weight, face

How do women manage to “fall in love” with the right guy Emotion work The process of aligning one’s emotions with the dictates of the situation

Love is NOT blind Social interactions occur among those of similar backgrounds Social class restricts the “supply” “Love” matches tend to occur between those who are similar Homophily Similarity in objective criteria Education Income Religion Similarity in “subjective” criteria Attractiveness Personality attributes

HOW do we fall in love: DATING Why do we date?

Why do people date? Stated reasons: Actual reasons: To get to know a person To find out if a person is a suitable “match” Actual reasons: Short term relationships: ? Long term relationships:?

Laner & Ventrone research: Men’s activities at dates Asking for a date Deciding on plans Call the date on the day of the date Prepare car Get money Get flowers Pick up date Pay bills Open doors Make affectionate/sexual moves Take date back home

Laner & Ventrone research: Women’s activities at dates Wait to be asked for a date Buy new clothes Take extra time to prepare Wait for the date to arrive Greet and introduce date to family Eat light Go to the bathroom to primp Have ‘deep’ conversation Call a friend to discuss the date

There are dating scripts Cultural scripts – accepted and expected by all Interpersonal scripts – accepted and expected about a specific person Intrapsychic scripts – private expectations or wishes

Discussion What kinds of relationships are built based on typical dating scripts? How acceptable are alternative dating scripts? Is the concept of “dating” compatible with egalitarian relationships?

Dating scripts and their significance Agreement by both sexes Definition of gender specific roles Reinforcement of gender specific expectations Elimination of the essential elements to know a potential partner

Dating as a scripted “game” Set expectations Set behaviors Set activities Set interactions Set conclusion

Dating Advice – MSN.com: 5 things men love to hear on a date: “Then what happened?” “That is pretty impressive” “Thank you” “What do you do when you are not at work?” “I’d like to get your opinion on something.”

Highlights of the reading on “5 things” “That way, he’ll know you’re genuinely interested versus just being polite.”  His adventure-filled life is interesting (probably more so than yours???)

Highlights of the reading on “5 things” “if you feed his ego by applauding his efforts, you’ll make him feel like a king.”  He needs to feel like a “king” (what do kings do?)

Highlights of the reading on “5 things” “So, thank him when he tells you that you look pretty tonight. Thank him for paying for dinner.”  Woman gets appreciated for beauty, man gets appreciated for disposable income?

Highlights of the reading on “5 things” “convey that [you are] interested in getting a complete picture of him and not just what he does for his paycheck”  Mislead the man to think that his activities other than earning a living matter????

Highlights of the reading on “5 things” “It’s the damsel in the distress call, and it’s pure catnip for men”  He will feel needed because of your lack of ability to think, reason, and solve problems???

Dating as a process of participating in the romantic markets The idea of a marriage market Search for a potential spouse Negotiations for exchanges Dissolution of attempted exchanges Leads to an accurate assessment of one’s resources and opportunities

Marriage Market Supply Preferences Resources Available men/women Preferences What do I want in a partner Resources What do I have that a partner may want What will happen if preferences and resources are incompatible?

Dating as a process of participating in the romantic markets The idea of a marriage market Search for a potential spouse Negotiations for exchanges Dissolution of attempted exchanges Leads to an accurate assessment of one’s resources and opportunities

Search process: dating To 1900: Courtship After 1900: Dating Historical conditions in the US (immigration, urbanization) Changes in the dynamics of the “search” process Male control Gender specific roles After 1970: End of dating as a formal “search” process Preservation of the “search” process leading to short-term relationships

Marriage Market Similar to a labor market Matching people to jobs Similar to a commodity market Supply of goods Demand of goods Preferences for goods Resources one has to purchase goods

Marriage Market Supply Preferences Resources Available men/women Preferences What do I want in a partner Resources What do I have that a partner may want What will happen if preferences and resources are incompatible?

Supply In general husbands are older than wives Historical reasons  maximize fertility Cultural reasons  Value of youth for attractiveness Changing norms: In the US ¼ of brides are older than grooms Supply problem for aberrant generations Baby boom

Operation of the marriage market It is a process of matching preferences and resources Relationships tend to be most rewarding when resources of the two individuals match most closely Stability of the relationship Faithfulness of the partners Mutual attentiveness of the partners Everyone goes through the operations of the marriage markets Uncertainties of the market make the process anxiety provoking

History of the patriarchal family and subordination of women Before the rise of the large urban societies in the middle east, women were held in high esteem Goddesses Artifacts, burial sites, etc. (e.g., Catal Hoyuk) With advancement of agriculture and food surplus: Importance of increasing population Warfare Production Importance of defense Possibility of sustaining religious-ideological structures

Rise of Patriarchalism

History of the patriarchal family and subordination of women Emergence of reproduction as something to be protected and maximized High level of infant mortality High level of adult mortality due to infectious diseases and warfare

Patriarchal social order Patriarchal family is designed to guarantee the paternity of the heirs Women’s sexuality becomes a property of men (father and husband) Valuable Can be traded as an object Virginity becomes a negotiable property Women’s status declined No more goddesses

Examples of women as property Code Hammurabi (1750 BC) Women and children could be pawned for up to 3 years A husband could beat and mutilate his wife in certain specified ways A woman who was found to neglect her duties as a wife was punished by drowning If a man raped a woman, his punishment was to have his wife raped Rules about veiling Veil indicated a wife or a daughter (off-limits property of a man) Slaves and prostitutes could not veil (penalties were severe) Veil indicated a woman’s place in the society which was determined by the man who was her patriarch

Examples of women as property Harems Size of the harem as an indicator of wealth Darius  365 wives (300BC) Sasanian  thousands (200-500 AD) Segregation of male and female spaces in households

Examples of women as property Zoroastrianism (middle-eastern religion 1000BC-500AD) Wife required to have total obedience to husband and will repeat that 9 times every morning Wives must produce a male heir If not, the daughter must produce one and give it to the father  a lower order marriage If widowed, offspring of subsequent marriage belongs to the first husband A man can loan his wife to a friend for a specific duration spelled out in a contract “A woman is a field. All which grows there belongs to the owner even if he did not plant it.”

Examples of women as property Classical Greek culture: Aristotle (350BC) – His teachings were presented as scientific truths in Arab and European civilizations Purpose of marriage is to provide heirs Female heir must produce a male heir to her father’s household It is a social necessity that women are subordinated Men rule over women as soul over body and rational over passionate “A woman’s body is like an impotent male, for it is through a certain incapacity that the female is a female.” Male contributes the soul to the offspring, the female only the flesh

Counter examples Upper class women could own and manage property and enter into contracts Women could be their husband’s deputy in managing property, household production and slaves HOWEVER, Rights and privileges entirely derived from the male to whom they were attached.

Christian ideology Christian societies from very early on, clashed with other extant religions on gender issues: Earlier religions  Women are defined by their sexuality and capacity to reproduce Christianity  Chastity and virginity (marriage to God) as a way of serving God Early Christians had major battle of ideologies over the sexuality of women Zoroastrians pressured Christian nuns to denounce their virginity Nuns resisted by martyrdom  a symbolic resistance (threat) to the present social order

Agrarian states – Gender stratification Patriarchal system resulted in domination of women by men in marriage therefore in sexual activity (especially premarital) Higher level of control over women was associated with more property (higher stakes in controlling sexual activity) – sign of status Ideological importance of domination of women – women as agents of temptation, to be controlled for their own good Symbols of domination became symbols of status – veils, binding of feet, female genital mutilation In lower classes with limited property females were relatively free and relatively less dominated