Managing Conflict in Marriages and Families

Deciphering communication 2

What is Relationship Conflict? Everyday disagreements Mismatch in expectations

What causes conflict in relationships? Money Sex Children Housework

Conflict is Healthy Conflict is inevitable In a stable relationship, conflict occurs approximately twice a week Happy couples have conflict It is the absence of conflict that is unhealthy BUT: Conflict management is crucial!!!

Characteristics of unhappy couples GOTTMAN’s “love lab” Relationship problems are due to absence of positivity and positive affect And not the presence of negativity! Gottman suggests that the ratio of Positivity to Negativity NEEDS TO BE 5:1

4 Horseman of the Apocalypse (Gottman) “Predictors of divorce” Criticism ‘You always” , “you never” Defensiveness Contempt – (best predictor of divorce) “Strong feelings of disapproval and aversion toward what seems worthless” Stonewalling Avoidance and withdrawal He later added: Belligerence “provocation”

“4 Horsemen” Predicts divorce with 90% of accuracy Research supports similar findings with gay and lesbian couples

What to do instead? Criticism complain without blame Defensiveness take responsibility Contempt feel & show appreciation Stonewalling do physiological and psychological self-soothing

Other Common but ineffective ways of conflict management Escalation Mind reading/negative interpretations Hearing things more negatively than is intended. Believing the worst instead of the best in another. Seeing what we expect to see . Self-fulfilling prophecy Gunnysacking

What happens when you avoid conflict? Passive-aggression Direct vs. Indirect expression of anger? Often involves: Chronic criticism, nagging, nitpicking and sarcasm Sabotage Displacement

Gender differences in the “ring” Report talk vs. rapport talk Gender differences in how negativity is handled! Female demand/male withdraw pattern “The wife wants to resolve the disagreement so that she can feel CLOSER to her husband” “The husband doesn’t see conflict as an opportunity for closeness, but for TROUBLE”

Ways to Communicate Effectively Soft Start-Up Let your partner know how you are feeling Instead of expecting him/her to mind-read Be consistent verbally and nonverbally i.e. Rolling of the eyes

Active Listening aka: Speaker Listener technique “I” statements Paraphrasing Giving feedback Switch roles Important rule: Only one person has ‘the floor’ at any given time.

Does active listening always work? Research doesn’t support that it works But LISTENER BACKCHANNELS are shown to work Brief vocalizations, head nods, facial movement that convey an understanding

If things got too heated, it is time to TAKE A TIME OUT!

More stuff on constructive communication… When you have a complaint: talk about it in a structured way XYZ statements X: the effect on you, how you felt Y: what the other person does Z: the situation in which in happens

Ways to Communicate effectively cont’d Choose carefully where and when to “fight” When is a good time/place to fight? Stay focused Ask your partner what you can do differently next time Winning is not the issue: Remember that you are a team and not opponents. End the fight!

Magic Five Hours per week (Gottman) Partings 2 minutes x 5 = :10 Reunions 20 minutes x 5 = 1:40 Admiration and Appreciation 5 minutes x 7 = :35 Affection 5 minutes x 7 = :35 Weekly Date 2 hours x 1 = 2:00 TOTAL: 5 hours/week