Master’s Group Session #8 May 20, 2018 As usual, you should have this slide showing on the screen as group members arrive. Use the arrival time as greeting and catch-up time with group members.

Agenda 8:45 Arrival, breakfast and fellowship 9:00 Koinonia Connection May 20, 2018 Agenda 8:45 Arrival, breakfast and fellowship 9:00 Koinonia Connection 10:00 Break 10:15 Becoming Conflict Competent 11:45 Lunch 12:30 GPS 2:15 Wrap up / Debrief the day / Admin stuff 2:30 Adjournment You can quickly talk through the day’s agenda with the group. The focus of the content for the day will be a discussion of ‘Becoming Conflict Competent’. One of the realities of ministry (and life for that matter) is that there will be conflict. Learning how to deal with conflict in a healthy, productive way is a key to long term success in ministry. Today we’ll work on getting some practical handles on this essential topic.

Koinonia Connection X X Information + Feelings Information only May 20, 2018 Koinonia Connection X Information + Feelings Information only X PAST Here is something about my past that would help you know me better DEFINING A difficult life experience which helped me MOMENT grow as a person was.. VALUES Here’s what I stand for… Since today’s content topic is ‘Becoming Conflict Competent’, ask the group to share a church (or personal) conflict horror story they’ve observed or lived through. Ask each about their feelings during the conflict and what the residual effect was on them personally.

Becoming Conflict Competent May 20, 2018 Becoming Conflict Competent This is the title slide for the content that we’ll cover today. Many pastors are ‘conflict avoidant’ and find themselves stuck and overwhelmed when conflict arises. Today we’re going to look at some very helpful resources for learning to deal with conflict in healthy and Biblical ways. You might want to ask if anyone in the group has a ‘horror story’ of church conflict they’ve heard of. (Not their OWN story at this point!)

Five Approaches to Conflict from The Thomas Kilmann Inventory May 20, 2018 Five Approaches to Conflict from The Thomas Kilmann Inventory Avoid Accommodate Compromise Collaborate Compete The Thomas Kilmann Inventory is an online tool designed to help people identify their predominant style of dealing with conflict. When you understand the various ways people deal with conflict and understand your own predominant style, it is exceptionally helpful when conflict arises. The five primary approaches to dealing with conflict (according to Kilmann) are listed on this slide.

May 20, 2018 This slide shows Kilmann’s assessment of how the conflict styles relate to assertiveness and cooperativeness. Take some time to talk through this with the group and ask if there are any surprises here for the group members.

May 20, 2018 Competing is assertive and uncooperative, a power-oriented mode. When competing, an individual pursues his or her own concerns at the other person’s expense, using whatever power seems appropriate to win his or her position. Competing might mean standing up for your rights, defending a position you believe is correct, or simply trying to win. Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative. When collaborating, an individual attempts to work with the other person to find a solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both. It involves digging into an issue to identify the underlying concerns of the two individuals and to find an alternative that meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating between two persons might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights, resolving some condition that would otherwise have them competing for resources, or confronting and trying to find a creative solution to an interpersonal problem. These slides give the definitions of each conflict style as defined by Kilmann. Ask a different group member to read each definition and have the group make observations about each style after it’s been read. Have each group member identify one person in their congregation or leadership team who exhibits that style as a predominant style.

May 20, 2018 Compromising is intermediate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. When compromising, an individual has the objective of finding an expedient, mutually acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. Compromising falls on a middle ground between competing and accommodating, giving up more than competing but less than accommodating. Likewise, it addresses an issue more directly than avoiding but doesn’t explore it in as much depth as collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.  Avoiding is unassertive and uncooperative. When avoiding, an individual does not immediately pursue his or her own concerns or those of the other person. He or she does not address the conflict. Avoiding might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation. Five Approaches to Conflict (Continued)

May 20, 2018   Accommodating is unassertive and cooperative—the opposite of competing. When accommodating, an individual neglects his or her own concerns to satisfy the concerns of the other person; there is an element of self-sacrifice in this mode. Accommodating might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, obeying another person’s order when you would prefer not to, or yielding to another’s point of view. Five Approaches to Conflict (Continued--End)

Crucial Conversations May 20, 2018 Crucial Conversations “Tools for talking when stakes are high” Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler This slide introduces another very helpful resource for dealing with conflict: the book Crucial Conversations, ‘Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High’ by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler. The next four slides will identify the main points of the book and you can talk through this with the group without having read the book but you’ll feel more confident if you do read the book ahead of time. It’s definitely worth the read for your own benefit!

May 20, 2018 What makes one of your conversations ‘crucial’ as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. (You’re talking with your boss about a promotion…you think you’re ready, she doesn’t) Second, stakes are high. (The outcome of this meeting with four coworkers will impact the long term viability of the company.) Third, emotions run strong. (Your spouse accuses you of flirting with the neighbor at the recent block party…and then walks off in a huff.) The authors of the book define ‘crucial conversations’ using the three identifiers on this slide. Read through them and make the observation that these are definitely parallel to conflict situations. (Note that the book is targeted at a secular audience so the examples can be a little edgy for ‘church ears’)

May 20, 2018 “What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life.” Just read this quote and make the observation that this could be said of conflict situations in the church as well.

What gets in the way of productive dialogue? May 20, 2018 What gets in the way of productive dialogue? Genetic predisposition to fight or flight Crucial conversations are pressurized Lack of training and positive models Tendency toward self-defeating practices Make the observation that the authors of ‘Crucial Conversations’ identify productive dialogue as the goal when people are engaged in crucial conversations. This slide identifies the four things that get in the way of productive dialogue. Here’s the basic idea: ‘Genetic predisposition to fight or flight’ means that our ancestral learned behavior causes the physiological response of sending blood flow to our major muscle groups so that we can either fight the perceived aggressor or run from the danger. Consequently, blood flow to the brain (which we need for productive dialogue) is drastically reduced. ‘Crucial conversations are pressurized’ identifies the reality that when conflict occurs we feel pressure because important things are at stake. This pressure causes us to lose sight of the goal of productive dialogue. ‘Lack of training and positive models’ refers to the fact that for the most part, people have not had the benefit of specific training about ways to deal with crucial conversations nor have they had people in their lives and upbringing who have modeled good crucial conversation behavior. ‘Tendency toward self-defeating practices’ is the observation that in many cases, the habit patterns we have developed in the context of crucial conversations tend to be the very responses that make matters worse instead of better. The way we often respond actually makes things worse instead of better.

Crucial Conversations Diagram May 20, 2018 Crucial Conversations Diagram This diagram from the Crucial Conversations book shows the overview of the authors’ recommendation for the correct understanding of and approach to dealing with crucial conversation situations. The ‘bulls eye’ or target you’re shooting for in a crucial conversation is honest, open dialogue in which both parties are able to express the reality of what they really hope will be the result of the conversation. For this to take place, there has to be a context of safety (the circle around the ‘bulls eye’. If safety is not present, there will be no chance of achieving honest dialogue so the authors address the skill of creating a safe environment for the conversation. The two extreme dialogue blockers are silence and violence. These are way off target and if either party in the crucial conversation goes there, healthy dialogue will be out of the question. The book describes in detail what each party needs to bring into the dialogue for and acceptable result to be achieved and go into detail about the skills needed to keep this kind of contribution alive so that dialogue can actually take place. It’s worth the read!

May 20, 2018 The Peace Maker A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande “Peacemakers are people who breathe grace. They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then they bring his love, mercy, forgiveness, strength and wisdom to the conflicts of daily life. God delights to breathe his grace through peacemakers and use them to dissipate anger, improve understanding, promote justice, and encourage repentance and reconciliation.” The Peace Maker, A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict is a book by Ken Sande targeting the Biblical reality that all Christians are called to be peace makers. This resource provides exceptional biblical perspective and extremely practical input for dealing with real life conflict issues among Christians and within churches. This slide is a quote from the introduction to the book which identifies Ken’s definition of a ‘peacemaker’ and God’s perspective on them. Read the definition and ask the group members to comment on the various aspects identified in it.

May 20, 2018 This slide is a copy of the Peacemaker diagram which shows the range of responses to conflict. The unhealthy opposite extremes are the Escape Responses and the Attack Responses. The healthy responses are the Peacemaking Responses. We have provided a copy of the Peacemaker brochure which identifies the overview details of how to approach conflict through the peacemaker model. Hand out the brochure to the group members and talk through the step by step process.

Taking your next step: What is your conflict ‘default style’? May 20, 2018 Taking your next step: What is your conflict ‘default style’? What kind of people tend to most easily send you into ‘default style’? What current conflict has been in your mind as we’ve been discussing today’s content? What next step do you need to take related to that current conflict? Discuss these questions with your group and ask each to share their personal next step to take related to becoming ‘conflict competent’.

Growing Past Stress GPS May 20, 2018 See the “Growing Past Stress Instructions” document for a step-by-step description of how this process works. GPS