Lesson Four Love and Intimacy

Goals To become familiar with the concepts of agape and eros—more commonly known as love and lust. To gain experience in identifying three dimensions of mature love, as well as recognizing the problems for relationships when the dimensions are undeveloped or unbalanced. To develop an understanding of true intimacy and how it develops.

What is Love? Eros? Agape?

Eros Agape Chemistry of Attraction The love of an other Words related to attraction and connections between two peoples in a romantic relationship developed by the Greek Eros Agape Chemistry of Attraction Self –centered Physical attraction Sexual desire The love of an other Other –oriented Giving Unconditional love tender

Eros or Agape? Lust or Love?

Identify the Pictures – Activity Flash Cards - Quotes

Chemistry Three Sides of Love

Chemistry Friendship Three Sides of Love

Chemistry Friendship Three Sides of Love Trust/Commitment

Chemistry Friendship Three Sides of Love Trust/Commitment FUTURE

What Kind of Relationship? Commitment Friendship Chemistry #2 #1 Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3

What Kind of Relationship? What would a relationship be like if it were missing that side? How would you characterize or describe it? Bring to mind a relationship like this one from real life. Have you seen a relationship like this among the people—young or old—that you know, or in the media? What problems might that couple have down the road?

Which Side is Missing? Maria and Chris were both 29 years old; they were great friends and found each other very attractive. When they were together, their time was very fulfilling. There was a lot of chemistry between them. They'd been dating for four years. They enjoyed each other and could talk for hours. But, they each made decisions in terms of what was best for each of them as individuals. Their careers took priority and both were unwilling to consider the needs of the other or plan for a future together. Each wanted to keep their individual options open— not wanting to miss any personal opportunity.  

Which Side is Missing? When Tom and Mary were 19 years old they fell in love practically at first sight. They were magically drawn to each other and couldn't bear to be apart. They quickly got sexually involved and within two weeks had moved in with each other. A month later they eloped. A year and a half later they discovered they really weren't very compatible. They had totally different interests and values. They were not good friends, their communication wasn’t very good and they didn’t have much fun anymore.

Which Side is Missing? Kevin and Keisha were very good friends. They enjoyed talking to each other and could talk for hours. They shared tons of interests. They had no better friend. But there was no heat, no physical attraction, or chemistry. After 18 months of being inseparable as pals, they thought “Why not? Let's get hitched, since we're so compatible and enjoy each other’s company.”

Research Findings Q. What do you think researchers have found out in surveys when asking couples what they want most? A. Couples young or old, engaged or married, say they want a best friend. So, it turns out that the Friendship side turns out to be pretty important.

Research Findings Q. What have sex researchers found to be connected with sexual satisfaction—both physical and emotional—among adults? Is it mostly about moves, technique, or size of body parts? A. Researchers have found that a sense of meaning attached to the sexual act, love, and commitment seem to be key ingredients in satisfying sex. In other words, those couples with the emotional connection of a true friendship where they are committed tend to report more satisfying sex lives. So, it turns out that Chemistry is linked to Friendship and Commitment. In fact, married couples, on average, report more satisfying sex lives than singles.

Research Findings Q. How is communication related to the Three Sides of Love? A. Researchers find that a key predictor of marital success or failure is how well you communicate and handle conflict. Your communication skills seem to be critical to keeping commitment strong. Communication is important for establishing, maintaining, and deepening friendship. All of this helps fuel the ongoing attraction/chemistry for each other.

6 Parts of Intimacy Physical *Physical Affection/Touch Emotional Social Intellectual Spiritual Commitment *Physical Affection/Touch *Feelings-Empathy *Activities, Interests, getting along, work world *Related to our passion, challenges us, validation *Values and Beliefs, greater than ourselves *Loyalty,Trust,Healthy Giving, Long-term View,Team-centeredness

True Intimacy Real love takes time. It involves tender feelings and physical affection, but also much more. It involves respect for each other even though you recognize each other’s faults. It involves honesty, trust, unselfish devotion, and admiration that last over a long period. It involves talking seriously about your values and ideals and sharing your goals. It means both partners give of themselves generously. It means supporting each other emotionally and not doing something that will hurt the other person’s feelings. -con’t-

True Intimacy It means that each partner puts the other’s feelings ahead of his or her own. And it means one partner doesn’t pressure the other to do something they’re not ready for. It means both partners want to say “I love you,” and, when they do, they mean it. All of these things that make up love take a long time to grow. This doesn’t usually happen until couples are in their twenties. Pogany, Susan. 1998. Sex Smarts: 501 Reasons to Hold Off on Sex, Fairview Press: Minneapolis. Page 23-24.

Love and Commitment “When the expression of intimacy is not at the same level as trust and commitment within any relationship; pain and suffering can result”

Happiness vs. Pain/Suffering Intimacy = Trust and commitment = happiness Intimacy ≠ Trust and commitment= Pain and Suffering

True Intimacy True intimacy involves the linking of “hearts and souls.” It doesn’t come fast, or easily. It’s built over time as more emotional, verbal, social, and spiritual connections are made. And, as two people trust and commit to each other, these connections are deepened. Sex often fools people into believing they are close. A person thinks he or she is close to someone, but all the two really have is a physical connection. In fact, for a lot of couples, sex may be a substitute for true intimacy.

Story Time Read – I Love You by Elmo Robinson Love Poem