Intimate Relationships and Communication

Developing Intimate Relationships To have successful relationships, a positive self-concept and healthy self-esteem help love and respect others Personal identity must be allowed to develop The following are other factors learned in early childhood that assist with healthy relationships: Gender roles Style of attachment Formulation of friendships See box: “Being a Good Friend”

General Gender Differences Men are more independent – self-reliant (self value associated with achievement) Women are more interdependent- relational (self value associated with connectiveness to others) Men are more goal/bottom line focused Women tend to enjoy the process Men are more competitive in the need to prove themselves Women are more cooperative and nurturing

Gender Differences, con’t. Men are more analytical Women are more intuitive Men use one brain hemisphere at a time Women use both hemispheres simultaneously Men are more linear focused Women tend to be better at multi-tasking Men are more action-oriented Women are more verbal

Gender Differences, con’t. Men use words for conveying facts Women use words for expressing emotion Men have a primary need for respect Women have a primary need for being cherished Reference: Gray, John: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Equality in Relationships Honesty & Responsibility Open Communication Intimacy Physical Affection Fairness & Negotiation Shared Responsibility Respect Trust & Support

Power & Control in Relationships Minimization & Blame Intimidation Sexual Abuse Physical Abuse Threats Domination Humiliation Possessiveness

Challenges in Intimate Relationships Honesty and Openness Unequal or Premature Commitment Unrealistic Expectations Competitiveness Balancing Time Spent Together and/or Apart Jealousy See box: “Love Maps Questionnaire”

Strategies for Enhancing Support in Relationships Be aware of the importance of support Learn to ask for help from your partner Help your partner the way you would liked to be helped Avoid negativity Make positive attributions Do things for yourself once in a while Keep relationship problems separate from other support issues See box: Strategies for Enhancing Support in Relationships”

Ending a Relationship Give the relationship a fair chance before dissolving Be fair, tactful, honest, and compassionate If you are the rejected person, give time to resolve anger and pain Recognize the value of the experience in order to move on towards better times

Communication Skills Non-verbal forms of communication can be just as important as verbal Three keys for good communication in relationships: Self-disclosure Listening Feedback See Box: “Guidelines for Effective Communications”

Choosing a Partner Most will consider the following: Geographical area Similar ethnic and socioeconomic background Educational level Lifestyle Physical attractiveness Based upon many common characteristics, the shift goes towards basic values such as: Religion Political beliefs Sexual attitudes Family/children See box: “Interfaith and Intrafaith Partnerships” See box: “online relationships” See Figure 4-2 on unmarried partnerships

Marriage 95% of all Americans marry some time in their life Satisfies several basic needs Today, marriage is more for personal, emotional reasons When people enter marriage with such preconceptions, it may be harder for them to appreciate the benefits that it offers

Benefits of Marriage Affection Personal affirmation Companionship Sexual fulfillment Emotional growth Setting to raise children Providing for the future Economic provision Tax issues See box: Are Intimate Relationships Good for your Health?

Predictors of a Happy Marriage Partners have a realistic expectation about their relationship Each feel good about the personality of the other They communicate well They have effective ways of resolving conflict They agree on religious/ethical values They have an egalitarian role relationship They have a good balance of individual versus joint interests and leisure activities See box: Are Intimate Relationships Good for Your Health?

Divorce The true statistic is that historically speaking no more than 41% of marriages end in divorce. Experts suggest the reflections of the following unfulfilled expectations: Belief that marriage will ease the need to deal with own faults Belief that marriage will change faults in your partner Belief that romance will continue at the same level throughout marriage Belief that marriage will provide the avenue to continue your personal power Belief that your partner will be successful in meeting all your needs

Successful Families This is a family that copes successfully with stress and crisis, which involves the following: Commitment Appreciation Communication Time together Spiritual wellness Coping with stress and crisis in positive ways See box: Strategies of Strong Families

Website Resources American Association for Marriage & Family: www.aamft.org Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment www.bettermarriages.org Family Education Network: www.familyeducation.com Go Ask Alice: www.goaskalice.columbia.edu Life Innovations: www.lifeinnovation.com

Parents Without Partners: www.parentswithoutparnters.org Student Counseling Virtual Pamphlet Collection: http://counseling.uchicago.edu/vpc United States Census Bureau: www.census.gov Whole Family Center: www.wholefamily.com Yahoo/Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals: http://dir.yahoo.com/society_and _culture/cultures_and_groups

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network – hotline and on-line help with important information & links www.rainn.org