Conflict Resolution In marriage

Conflict can be healthy! Helps determine what is right A way to learn about yourself A way to see God work Lack of any conflict is a bad sign

Ways people respond to conflict Peace faker – avoid conflict Peace breaker – actively seek conflict

Ways people respond to conflict Peace faker – avoid conflict Peace breaker – actively seek conflict

Ways people respond to conflict Peace faker – avoid conflict Peace breaker – actively seek conflict Peace maker – nobody is this way naturally Lean against your tendency

Should I enter into conflict? Is this for the better interest of the other person? - From a Christian perspective, God meets all of our needs - We can rest in God, and only confront someone when it is really hurting that other person

Should I enter into conflict? “The radical premise of my argument is that we literally need nothing but the Lord and what He chooses to provide.” “It is of course legitimate to want another's love and to want it so much that its absence will occasion real grief and suffering.

Should I enter into conflict? “The radical premise of my argument is that we literally need nothing but the Lord and what He chooses to provide.” “It is of course legitimate to want another's love and to want it so much that its absence will occasion real grief and suffering. But I must never slip into assuming that I need that person's love in order to meet my basic need for security.

Should I enter into conflict? “The radical premise of my argument is that we literally need nothing but the Lord and what He chooses to provide.” “It is of course legitimate to want another's love and to want it so much that its absence will occasion real grief and suffering. But I must never slip into assuming that I need that person's love in order to meet my basic need for security. If that assumption is true, then God is not at that moment meeting the needs of His child. Has God proven unfaithful?”

Should I enter into conflict? “I literally need nothing other than what God allows me to have.” “Either God has failed me or He hasn't. Either He is meeting my needs right now or He isn't.

Should I enter into conflict? “I literally need nothing other than what God allows me to have.” “Either God has failed me or He hasn't. Either He is meeting my needs right now or He isn't. Christianity demands that I trust God to be faithful. If I really did need that person's love, God would see to it that I had it.” Larry Crabb, Basic Principles of Biblical Counseling, 64-65.

Should I enter into conflict? “I literally need nothing other than what God allows me to have.” “Either God has failed me or He hasn't. Either He is meeting my needs right now or He isn't. Christianity demands that I trust God to be faithful. If I really did need that person's love, God would see to it that I had it.” Larry Crabb, Basic Principles of Biblical Counseling, 64-65. Phil 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Should I enter into conflict? Is this for the better interest of the other person? Is this a major issue? - Prov 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. - Prov 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. - Ask “Why am I so bothered by this?”

Should I enter into conflict? Is this for the better interest of the other person? Is this a major issue? - Pick your battles Is this simply the way God made him/her? Seek advice “Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. Therefore, we should be the most forgiving people in the world.” - Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, 185.

Preparation Pray! - For truth to win over emotion - For the right perspective God is in control Prov 19:21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. I will give an account for my actions Rom 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Preparation Pray! - For truth to win over emotion - For the right perspective - To forgive the other person Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

The conversation Face to face 2 Jn 12 I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.

The conversation Face to face Start with your fault Mt 7:3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? - This disarms the other person and promotes vulnerability - Be honest, unqualified, and unconditional

The conversation Face to face Start with your fault Emphasize “I” statements over “You” statements - Moves from accusation of their character to how you were affected Be clear with specific examples “You’re always angry!” “You’re always telling me what to do!”

The conversation Be sure they get the point Actively listen! - What are they saying and not saying? - Be prepared to have your stance change Focus on what you can control - Your sin & your challenge(s) - Remember to find your needs fully met in Christ End in prayer together

The conversation Absolute “Do not’s” - “I regret marrying you” - The “D” word - Using insecurities - Name calling / cussing out - Verbal or physical intimidation - Keeping silent to punish

Post-conflict Hopefully resolved, but might need time - Give a few days, then ask what they’ve been thinking - Might eventually need a 3rd party mediator - In really serious conflict, you might need a long battle or a compromise

Conclusion Conflict should be expected and can be healthy when properly handled Conflict should be decided and taken on in prayer Following the principles laid out, conflict can take your marriage to new heights

Comments / Questions?

Comments / Questions? Should I enter conflict? For their better? Major issue? How they were made? Seek advice Having Conflict Prayer & forgiveness My fault in it “I” statements Specific, clear examples Make sure they get it Active listening End in prayer Might need more time