The 5 Love Languages Meeting each First and Third Monday of every month 7:00 PM until completed Presenter: Larry Epstein LMHC CASAC

Not everyone speaks the same language Have you ever been in a relationship with another person and found yourself thinking “why don’t you just behave more like me?” There’s something normal about that. After all, I’m me, shouldn’t every behave like me? But therein lies the problem, not everyone is like me. Not everyone has the same wants and needs, hopes and dreams. Not everyone speaks the same language

What is a love language? According to the author of “the Five Love Languages” Dr. Gary Chapman: “My conclusion after many years of marriage counseling is that there are five emotional love languages — five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.”

So what is an emotional love language (cont.) To summarize, they are one of 5 ways in which we express love want love expressed to us. Most people want what they give, and most people have difficulty giving a type of love they are not familiar with.

Who do I know my love language? Good thing that the test one needs to determine their love language can be found online at: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ But if you have Pinterest, you can view the questionnaire at: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/104568022570297320/

A PDF of the test:

The word on the Five Love Languages No one language is more important that the other It’s not better or worse to have one language over another Though this concept can help explain a lot of miscommunication and dysfunction in a relationship between any 2 people, this theory should not be used to diagnose anyone with any disorders or behavioral conditions. You can utilize multiple languages or have multiple Primary Love Languages (PLL).

How can I use this concept in my relationships? Once you and your partner, friends, parents, spouse, children… understand their respective love languages, you can learn to speak their language more effectively. The golden rule of relationships: You can’t change other people, but you can adjust yourself to someone else. Once you know someone’s love language, you can’t change it, but you can change your behavior to more compliment the other person’s language.

The five love languages Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch

In no particular order: This is language is defined as the person who needs to send and hear the words they need in order to feel loved and appreciated. It can be as simple as “I Love You” or “I like it when you…”. It can be as deep as “I appreciate you when you…” or as common as “you rock.” Someone who has this as their PLL will need to hear you let them how you feel about him or her. Language #1 Words of affirmation

Conflict with “words of affirmation” The person who is in conflict with another whose PLL is Words of Affirmation must be careful not to say things that are particularly hurtful. Using insults, condescension, vulgarity, or any number of disrespectful terms can be especially damaging to someone who needs to hear how you feel. Just as words can be meaningful to someone who needs to hear them, the opposing words can have a multiplying effect negatively to someone who has this as their PLL. “Fine, I don’t love you any more” “Don’t call me sweetheart” “You don’t call me ______ anymore”

Love Language #2 Receiving Gifts This Love Language is defined by the person who needs things/items as tokens of affection. Keep in mind “Things/Items” does not necessarily mean “expensive” or even store bought. The person whose PLL is Receiving Gifts will see meaning in gifts, will cherish them more, will value the moment he or she received them more so than others. You can easily figure out if someone’s PLL is Receiving Gifts usually by the level of enthusiasm they express when giving them.

Conflict with “Receiving Gifts” When arguing or fighting with someone whose PLL is this, mocking, disturbing, withholding, or otherwise demeaning the value of a gift you received will be especially hurtful. It is important that when in conflict with someone who likes to receive gifts, not to use them against him or her as this will have a multiplying effect on this person. A gift received may use gifts you gave to them against you when they are upset. Throwing a gift at you or away Giving things back to you Making fun of or demeaning gifts

Language #3 Acts of Service The person with this PLL likes to do things wither with or for another. Its their way of showing appreciation. This person wants to do things. Its important to remember that this person isn’t looking to be subservient. He or she wants to show you how they feel, not necessarily say it or present it as in the prior two Love Languages. If you really want to impress someone who has this as his or her PLL, do something with or for them as you observe them behave towards you, it’s likely to be double appreciated.

Conflict with “Acts of Service” This person will likely stop wanting to participate in activities with you that traditionally you enjoy. You two like going to a sporting event? If you are in a conflict with someone whose PLL is this, they probably won’t be going with you. If you stop wanting to participate in or allow someone to do for you what an Acts of Service type person did, they will likely get uncomfortable or possibly take it personally. He or she stops putting effort into cooking “I don’t want to do anything” “You go by yourself”

Love Language #4 Physical Touch This is the person who expresses themselves though touch. In non-intimate or non-familial relationships, this could be a hand on the shoulder, a smile with a pat, or that “huggy” person we all know. Physical touch should not be mistaken for sexual intimacy. These are not the same thing. It’s possible that sex may be a dialect of physical touch and that some people may express their affection through sex, but most of the time, physical touch is expressed through multiple other ways. Holding hands, cuddling, hugging when expressing who one feels, holding someone gently when talking to them are all dialects of this PLL.

Conflict with “Physical Touch” This person will probably be physically cold. The body language and distance between you and one with this PLL will be evident. No hugs, no kisses, no touch. And if you want intimacy (sex) with someone whose PLL is this and he or she is mad at you, it will be that much more uncomfortable for him or her. “Don’t touch me” Turning away when you hug him or her “I don’t want you near me”

Love Language #5 Quality Time This is the person who wants to do activities with you. The motto is typically “as long as we’re together.” He or she will cherish activities with you so long as those activates are done as a “we.” For the person who is not a “Quality Time” person, the phrase “I’ll be over here while you do your thing” should make more sense. It would be nice if you could do everything together, but there is special meaning if you have to do something alone, if he or she can be with you, that would mean much more than you think. Movies, watching a game, playing a game, going out with friends or just doing nothing in particular, as long as it’s done together, that’s what matters most

Conflict with “Quality Time” If the “Cold Shoulder” could be seen by the person whose PLL is physical touch, the person whose PLL is quality time will most likely not want to stay in the same room or vicinity as you. Time together could become unhealthily competitive and uncomfortable. “I don’t want to do anything with you” Making cooperative events uncomfortable “I don’t want to do that, or that, or that, or that…”