COUPLES BOUNDARY WORKSHOP REV. DANIEL GOWAN AND DR. DINA HIJAZI

TODAY’S OBJECTIVES Understand the Developing Child Model Review the role of boundaries in relationship Describe the adaptations to dysfunctional environments Explain the Karpman Triangle Understand the roles of the DramaTriangle Explain the tools required to get out of the Triangle Apply the principals of the Drama Triangle to couples’ everyday issues PRACTICE THE TOOLS TO EXIT AND STAY OFF THE TRIANGLE!

DEVELOPING CHILD MODEL Functional Growth and Maturity Natural Stages of Development Dysfunctional Growth and Immaturity Adapted Stages of Development Healthy Child Adolescent Healthy Adult Shamed Child Adapted Acting In/Out Adolescent Dysfunctional Adult (Symptomatic)

PRIMARY NEEDS Food Shelter Nurturing/ Interaction Clothing Safety Touch

Our number one primary need after our basic survival needs are met is ACCEPTANCE Our number one primary need after our basic survival needs are met is ACCEPTANCE! This requires Affirmation, Limit Setting and Nurturance

BOUNDARIES 1. CONTAINMENT: protect others from self 2. PROTECTION: protect self from others Without boundaries there is blame, confusion, chaos, lack of responsibility taking, and lack of intimacy.1

TOXIC SHAME TOXIC SHAME is the feeling that our existence is a mistake In dysfunctional homes, the primary dynamic often present was failure to separate a child’s behaviors from their worth If you made a mistake, you were the mistake

HEALTHY SHAME Tells us that we did something shameful, NOT that we ARE worth-Iess Allows us to recognize our human-ness It’s the energy that helps us contain ourselves so that we don’t become offensive

HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME I made a mistake vs I am a mistake A slight sense of embarrassment vs I want to die and crawl in a hole I see my humanness vs I am completely cut- off/different/less than

SHAMED CHILD Growing up in a consistently shaming, non- nurturing environment, leads to the formation of an inner shame core- the fuel for our belief system that we are flawed and unworthy Child has a lack of boundaries-feels too vulnerable Child is identified as bad or rebellious Child feels too dependent Overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative Disempowered or Falsly Empowered

ADAPTATIONS OF THE SHAMED CHILD 1. PERPETRATOR – bully, critical, dominating, insulting, ANGRY 2. RESCUER – hero, martyr, helper, fixer selfless, FEARFUL 3. VICTIM – helpless, hopeless, trapped, ashamed, powerless, SAD

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE! Intensity substitutes for intimacy Communication is blaming Intensity is confused with connection The triangle is always an attempt to get our needs met, but we usually stay stuck and pay a big price

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE IS EVERYWHERE!

Principles of Healthy Relationships 1. Who is responsible for getting your needs met? 2. Is it OK to ask for help getting your needs met? 3. Where/How do you get your needs met? 4. Is your partner responsible for meeting your needs? 5. When is it ok to say no? Or Yes? 6. How do you relate in a relationship?

STAY ON THE TRIANGLE AND STAY IN A CONFLICTED RELATIONSHIP

STEP OFF THE TRIANGLE AND INTO RELATIONSHIP

THANK YOU FOR COMING! Things to remember: 1. The Bully needs to learn the skill of empathy, to learn the skill of assertion and to begin to challenge (Personal Trainer) 2. The Rescuer needs to learn to say ‘NO’, to listen and to affirm 3. The Victim needs to learn problem solving skills, and to identify and ask for what they want THE FASTEST WAY OFF THE TRIANGLE IS TO RECOGNIZE AND IDENTIFY WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT. NOT WHAT YOU DON’T WANT!