for healthy relationships BOUNDARIES for healthy relationships

Communication Boundaries

Carry each other’s burdens. Each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:2 & 5 NIV Carry each other’s burdens. Each one should carry their own load.

Ephesians 4:15 NLT We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries?

Why we don’t protect our boundaries FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment FEAR of confrontation GUILT We were not taught healthy boundaries. AWARENESS is the first step in establishing and enforcing your boundaries.

Is it ever appropriate to choose to endure mistreatment?

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to… Have high self-esteem and self-respect. Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship. Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion. Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared. Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you. Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others. Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.

UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES look like… Either sharing too much too soon or closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants. Feeling responsible for others’ happiness. Failing to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment. Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you. Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you and so feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life. Terri Cole, founder and CEO of Live Fearless and Free, licensed psychotherapist & transformation coach

Non-Assertive Behavior Fearful of being yelled out Very sensitive to disapproval and rejection Disrespectful to oneself Allow personal rights to be violated Fearful of being wrong or stupid Feel anxious, sad and isolated Goal: To play it safe and be liked

Aggressive Behavior Goal: To be right and prove it Rude, bossy and controlling of others Uses verbal and even physical force Disrespectful to others Violates rights of others Needs to be right Shows immaturity by blunt honesty without regards for other feelings

Goal: To express yourself honestly and kindly Assertive Behavior Goal: To express yourself honestly and kindly Refrains from verbal or physical force Sensitive and caring to both self and others Balances personal rights with responsibilities to others Expresses feelings tactfully Is more concerned to being kind than right Feels secure, confident and loving

When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself. Determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. Set them as you are ready, not when someone else tells you. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Create strong, clear boundaries with toxic persons in your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, or control you.

When you set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify (try to convince the other person the boundary is right), get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary respectfully. If they choose to get upset, know that is their problem.

Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it. Expect it. But stay firm. Remember, your words and actions must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.

At first, you may feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway. Remind yourself you have a right and responsibility to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem keep you from taking care of yourself.

St Francis Prayer of Peace O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.