04/06/2018 Eva Musby Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents  A one and a half hour workshop to be led by Eva Musby at EDIC on 19 March 2016 Title: Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents Speaker: Eva Musby, Parent and author of Anorexia and other eating disorders - how to help your child eat well and be well" Description:  Principles and some practice to increase your resilience and compassion, communicate mindfully and tune up your skills in supporting your child through meals and other challenges. This session will also be helpful to clinicians. I am a parent, I write for parents, and I use principles inspired from mindfulness, nonviolent communication, and family-based treatment. evamusby.co.uk eva@evamusby.co.uk pinterest.com/evamusby facebook.com/EvaMusby www.evamusby.co.uk

www.evamusby.co.uk/EDIC2016 www.evamusby.co.uk 04/06/2018 About me Please give me feedback – web page for more info: www.evamusby.co.uk/EDIC2016 Questions: now, plus more help on web, my book, YouTube Confidentiality; Privacy please www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Connect www.evamusby.co.uk 04/06/2018 Around the dinner table forum http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org and various facebook groups www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

You are a good friend of mine. Jot down short sentences with 04/06/2018 “Look, to be honest I don’t have time for your fundraising event. And with all due respect, your church roof is nothing compared to what I have to deal with with my mum’s Alzheimer’s. Every day she rings me about something she’s not coping with, or she wants my company. Every day, hours of my time go into caring for her. I’m seriously stressed out! And to top it all, this afternoon she pointed to a photo of me when I was six, and she asked who it was. Anyway, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make such a drama about it. Everyone’s parents are getting old. We all just do the best we can, right? Hey ho!” You are a good friend of mine. Jot down short sentences with What you might say to me or enquire about What you might do Exercise to bring out principles of effective, compassionate communication. 3 minutes to jot down some responses, then I ask for those and direct people to the poster that covers that principle www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Validate Normalise Our common humanity Observe 04/06/2018 Pause Thoughts with Kindness COMPASSION Feelings Validate Normalise Our common humanity Physical What matters These are the posters I will reveal once I have collected people’s responses and asked them to stand in front of them www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Bad Stuff 04/06/2018 Why all this focus on compassion? Two places your mind can be when bad stuff happens (real or perceived bad stuff) Limbic area of brain: closes down, makes you reactive and less able to think – only useful to help zebra get away from lion. Same for your child. www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Feelings Compassion 04/06/2018 Thoughts usually bring feelings: sadness, anger, fear They’re in your body. As you notice how your body experiences them, and accept the sensations, they usually move on. Feelings always pass. (This is important for your child to know at mealtimes) Distress is about the future, so stay in the present www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 The compassionate state: Biologically designed to respond to kindness. Oxytocin. Biology of compassion is just as strong as the fight-or-flight biology. Doesn’t require willpower, but a shift in attention. www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 The compassionate state is connected with others, with the world www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 Art, humour, the bigger picture – all emotions of the compassionate state (Picture: Sempe, New Yorker 1988) www.evamusby.co.uk

What really matters to you? 04/06/2018 What really matters to you? Core values Deepest wishes Life-enhancing What touches your soul Needs – what matters: strengths, core values, deep human needs etc What gives you inner power, what makes life meaningful. This is what to focus on www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Verbal compassion (what to say to your child) 04/06/2018 Verbal compassion (what to say to your child) Explaining verbal compassion next www.evamusby.co.uk

“I’m not eating this!”(etc) 04/06/2018 v “I’m not eating this!”(etc) Verbal compassion Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v Silent compassion Where verbal compassion fits in www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

“I’m not eating this!”(etc) 04/06/2018 v Verbal compassion “I’m not eating this!”(etc) Do not argue with the chatterbox. It’s not telling the deeper truth. It comes from fight-or-flight. Need compassion to move it out and for logic to start being of any use www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

VERBAL COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings Validate Normalise Observe Pause Thoughts “You’re saying that…” with Kindness Feelings “I wonder if you’re… ?” “That sounds really tough…” “I really feel for you…” “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you…” “I wish I could take away your suffering” “I love you” Validate Normalise Our common humanity “I would feel like that too if…” “People with an ED often feel like this” Physical (hug) What matters “I wonder if you really want…?” “Sounds like you so hope for… ?” “Is it that you wish that…?” “What is it about X that really matters to you?” “If you had X, what would that give you?” VERBAL COMPASSION www.evamusby.co.uk

Self-compassion

Compassion 04/06/2018 Tools to reach a compassionate state fast. Mindfulness + kindness (“OK”) You become a kind observer www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 Place of compassion is like the clarity and vastness of the sky above the turmoil of clouds (https://hannahloughridge.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/high-light35.jpg) www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 Or (your reactions to bad stuff – thoughts, feelings) are like waves at the surface of the ocean, whereas your compassionate state is the whole, deep, calm ocean. (http://www.wallsave.com/wallpapers/1920x1200/rafa/571165/rafa-hd-coral-blue-ocean-fondos-571165.jpg) www.evamusby.co.uk

ARGHHH! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v 04/06/2018 v ARGHHH! Verbal compassion Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v Silent compassion Where compassion fits in www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 Self-help is not the whole picture. Seek out compassion from other people! We are social human beings needing connection. This slide also reminds us of benefit of physical gestures of affection (Kristin Neff’s self-compassion stuff) www.evamusby.co.uk

SELF-COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings Observe 04/06/2018 Pause Thoughts “I’m telling myself that…” with Kindness SELF-COMPASSION Feelings Soak in the kindness Validate Normalise Our common humanity Physical What matters “May I have…” “May we all have… Self-compassion exercise www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Silent Compassion for your child

“I’m not eating this!”(etc) 04/06/2018 v “I’m not eating this!”(etc) Verbal compassion Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v Silent compassion Where silent compassion fits in www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

SILENT COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings Observe 04/06/2018 Pause Thoughts “She’s telling herself that…” with Kindness Feelings “I wonder if she’s feeling…” Validate Normalise Our common humanity Physical Send warmth, light What matters “I wonder if he needs…” “May she have…” SILENT COMPASSION All the posters are useful for silent compassion but simplify by sticking to feelings and needs: “What’s going on for my child right now?” www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Expressing yourself

Arghhh!!! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself 04/06/2018 v v Express what matters to you Arghhh!!! Verbal compassion Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v Silent compassion Self-compassion Where requests/expressing yourself come in www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Expressing yourself Pause Thoughts Feelings My request Observe 04/06/2018 Pause Thoughts Chatterbox with Kindness Feelings “I’m feeling … because I …” Validate Normalise Our common humanity Physical (hug) What matters to me “I really, really want…” “I care so much about…” “This really matters to me...” Expressing yourself My request “Would you be willing to…” “Please would you…” “How would it be for you to….” “I would love it if …” To express what’s going on for you, or to make a request, stick to NEEDS (“what matters to me”) It’s a little risky to express your feelings – less risky if you make sure you explain they’re because of some need in you, not because of your child Otherwise child feels guilty about parents’ feelings Do NOT express your chatterbox – only your therapist can hear that! If your chatterbox comes out, explain you’re in fight-or-flight and that you are really trying to be yourself again. www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

‘Connect before you correct’ or ‘Empathy before education’ 04/06/2018 ‘Connect before you correct’ or ‘Empathy before education’ Signs the other person feels understood: Relaxed Calmer, standing taller Runs out of steam Sigh, yawn Tears Requests, suggestions, information and education are only really heard once the other person feels understood www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

What to say, what not to say… 04/06/2018 What to say, what not to say… Speak from a place of compassion And the rest will fall in place (so don’t speak like a robot, or worry you’ll say the wrong thing) www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Arghhh!!! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself 04/06/2018 v v Express what matters to you Arghhh!!! Verbal compassion Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v Silent compassion Self-compassion Recap of all the places that you keep circling through as required www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

Mealtime etc Your feelings My request What matters to you Validate 04/06/2018 Your feelings “That sounds really tough…” “I really feel for you…” “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you…” “I wish I could take away your suffering” “I love you” What matters to you “I wonder if you really want… ?” “Sounds like you so hope for… ?” “Is it that you wish that…?” “What is it about X that really matters to you?” “If you had X, what would that give you?” Validate “I would feel like that too if…” “People with an ED often feel like this” Physical (hug) Mealtime etc What matters to me “I really, really want…” “I care so much about…” “This really matters to me...” My request “Would you be willing to…” “Please would you…” “How would it be for you to….” I would love it if …” Prompt sheet of verbal compession and self-expression for mealtime scenario www.evamusby.co.uk www.evamusby.co.uk

04/06/2018 Eva Musby Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents  The end evamusby.co.uk eva@evamusby.co.uk pinterest.com/evamusby facebook.com/EvaMusby www.evamusby.co.uk/EDIC2016 www.evamusby.co.uk