The 7 levels of intimacy Meeting each First and Third Monday of every month 7:00 PM until completed Presenter: Larry Epstein LMHC CASAC

When we talk to one another, we communicate on several different levels. The type of conversation we choose to have will determine how “Deep” we wish to go. Intimacy is how much of our humanity we wish to expose to another human being. By increasing our humanity some people think they expose weakness. I might argue we expose our strengths. Matthew Kelley’s “the Seven Levels of intimacy” published in 2005 emphasizes the pros and cons of each level of intimacy, it’s purpose, and he makes the argument that couples and by extension, any two people, can be more genuine and have deeper connections with others, if they only allow themselves ot be more intimate with one another.

“We avoid intimacy because having intimacy means exposing our secrets “We avoid intimacy because having intimacy means exposing our secrets. Being intimate means sharing the secrets of our hearts, minds, and souls with another fragile and imperfect human being. Intimacy requires that we allow another person to discover what moves us, what inspires us, what drives us, what eats at us, what we are running toward, what we are running from, what self-destructive enemies lie within us, and what wild and wonderful dreams we hold in our hearts.” Mr. Kelley emphasizes that we want intimacy, yet in either romantic, familial, friendship, or casual relationships, many of us decline intimacy, or at least decide not to allow intimacy into our conversations and thus, our lives.

A thought on intimacy No one says you must always share everything No one says you must always “go deep” It would be inappropriate if whenever you encountered a stranger or distant relation, that you provide every detail about every thought when you are pressed for time, have nothing to say, or really don’t care to engage in conversation. It would be inappropriate if every time someone engaged in small talk, a simple “how are you?” that you respond with your dreams in life, or what you are fearing most in life. That would be socially awkward and strangely unsettling.

What type of relationships was this concept designed to address? The book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” was designed to address intimate couples who “never talk any more.” This book and his accompanying lectures were for people looking to understand what needs to change in their marriages in an effort to bring back partnership and strength to their relationships. However, the harder one looks at his concept, the more obvious it becomes that it applies to any conversation between any two people. I could have a “level 1” conversation with a stranger just as easily as a “level 7” conversation.

About the “levels” Each level by itself is neither good nor bad. It simply is a way of exposing who you are, raising or lowering your guard based on your intent. No where should one feel they must have a certain level of intimacy with a certain person. But ask yourself when you are talking to a person, “am I being as open about what I want and need from this person as I could be while showing them who I am as a person?”

Level 1. Clichés (small talk) Clichés as defined by Mr. Kelley are either a way of inviting intimacy, or a way to avoid intimacy. If we say things like “nice weather” or “great game last night” or even “good morning” we are using clichés. They provide practically no information about ourselves as an individual.

Level 1 Clichés (continued) As a way to invite intimacy, we can use these as “ice breakers.” “Good morning, it is good to see you.” “Nice game last night, did you see the way…” “Horrible weather today, did you have trouble with your car because of the cold?” As a way to avoid intimacy we can use these as “cold shoulders.” (in response to the above questions) “Morning” or “it was fine” or “yeah, I did.” The former invites conversation, the latter ends it.

Level 2. Facts (Just the facts Ma’am) Facts are just that, the truth about things, events, places, trivia… as we understand them. They lack any real depth about ourselves other than we believe these details to be true. Facts don’t necessarily have to be “True”. What matters is that they are the truth as a person believes them to be.

Level 3. Opinions (everyone has them) Opinions begin to give a little bit of depth to a conversation without giving away any meaning behind them. I can be opinionated and yet tell you nothing about who I am as a person. Opinions can either stall intimacy or, with the right person, invite it. Like comedy/humor, opinions can be a “Sword or a shield.”

Level 4. Hopes and Dreams (tell me what you want) One cannot disclose this to “just anyone.” Unlike the prior three levels, this is the level of intimacy where we start becoming selective as to who we talk to. Think about who you tell your dreams about what you wish to accomplish with your life. How many people are there you can think of?

Level 4. Hopes and Dreams (continued) As a human we all have a place where we see ourselves whether that be next week, next year, next decode or at the end of our life. When we ask children “what do you want to be when you grow up?” we’re asking them about their dreams. Another, possibly more valid question is “What do you want to do with your life?” How frequently to we tell people “I want to climb that mountain, jump out of that plane, create that company, or have happy children”? These are a few examples of what fundamentally people may want from their life, to look back on it and say, “yeah, I did that!”

Level 5. Feelings (nothing more than these…) Feelings are normal, they are what we should be experiencing in any given moment passed on or experiences, education, and upbringing. At some point we go from being told as children to “use our words” and “tell me how you feel” to “keep that stuff to yourself.”

Level 5. Feelings (continued) We internalize the difference (real or perceived) that some feelings are better than others. Some learn to mask them, some learn to hide them, to use dysfunctional behaviors in an effort to cope with them (retail therapy, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling…) But feelings are neither good nor bad. When stifled, dysfunction is sure to follow and when we learn to express them to the right person, in the right place, at the right time, in the “right” way, we typically feel better. But we mask many of our feelings to most people too frequently. Learning to express these may be healthier than you realize. Expressing them isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

Level 6. Fears, Faults and Failures/Weaknesses (what you are least proud of) We could argue these are extensions of the previous levels, but they are more than that: They are the qualities we don’t like within ourselves. Can you tell someone “look, this is something I’m not good at” or “this quality isn’t something I’m proud of”? Can you tell others “this is something I would like to improve”?

Level 6. Fears, Faults and Failures/Weaknesses (continued) Notice that by this point we’re now discussing the things that put ourselves in a negative light. No one is perfect, but the first step to changing a characteristic is admitting a fear, a fault, or a weakness. When we try to “figure it out” alone, it is highly unlikely anyone will go from fearful to brave, faulted to stoic, or weak to strong without guidance. We spend our lives learning to be “independent” and flawless. I might argue that this is a myth perpetuated by those who speak little if at all on this level of intimacy. That mask, façade, role, or show we put on for others does little to help us to express these characteristics in a healthy manner, and that is why it is imperative we do with the right people in the right context.

Level 7. Legitimate Wants and Needs (socail and external) The final stage and probably the least discussed, what do we need out of life? Unlike “hopes and dreams” this has more to do with the social context. What we need, whether in love, in business, in friendships, or in society is, as Mr. Perry explains, “Unchanging, common purpose.”

Level 7. Legitimate Wants and Needs (continued) Whether its as a member of a nuclear family or the human race, we all establish our common purposes. As a family member do we want love and happiness? Peace and tranquility? Build a family home? Set financial goals? As a community member do we establish rules, laws, establish acceptable norms and practices? Do we take care of those who go without or make sure we all pay our fair share? As a species do we consider future generation’s needs, respect other people’s way of life as we would want them to do for use? Do we just want others to be happy and live their life as they see fit?

Final thoughts on intimacy Mr. Perry doesn’t say we should be talking on a “level 7” with everyone we come in contact with. But in your relationships, ask yourself, “whom do I talk to on what level?” Do you talk to your spouse at level 3 or below? How about a co-worker that stimulates you and you find yourse;f always talking level 6? Or that stranger you met on that flight and went straight to level 5? Why do we get as intimate was we do with some people? Who deserves what level and why? One thing is for sure, if you want intimacy with those who matter most, you may want to consider these questions and deciding for yourself how deep you want the conversation to go.