Children in primary school K-2 January 12, 2017 Child Conflict Children in primary school K-2 January 12, 2017

Three types Peer conflict Sibling rivalry Bullying

Normal conflict Characterized by the child’s developmental level at K-2 children are learning to resolve conflict, becoming less egocentric and learning to fight impulses that are self centered. Is natural and expected. Decisions not necessarily made based on thinking about others. Usually involves equal power. Is not planned or premeditated. Often based on emotions.

Normal conflict can help to … Develop conflict resolution skills. Develop the ability to compromise. Show empathy. Learn about other’s view points. Experience the emotional “ups/downs” of interpersonal relationships. Learn that a conflict doesn’t have to end relationships.

Sibling Rivalry Varies based on developmental stages. Often argue and fight as they start to focus on their individual needs and place in the family. Marked by a time when they learn to play, negotiate and begin to compromise. Siblings often have more time to work through and settle difference themselves. Parents often allow this to occur without intervening as much as when conflicts occur with peers. Can involve verbal and physical actions These interactions not typically referred to by parents as bullying although sometimes similar.

Bullying An imbalance of power Repeated actions Intentional actions – intent to harm Unequal levels of affect Planned and purposeful– some thought

Bullying Is not about anger but rather contempt Involves a person harming another without feeling empathy, compassion or shame There is a sense of entitlement Often an intolerance towards differences Belief in a sense of permission to exclude

Normal Conflict vs. Bullying Equal power Happens occasionally Accidental Not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power or attention Not trying to obtain something Takes responsibility Some remorse Effort to involve themselves in problem solving Bullying Imbalance of power Repeated actions Purposeful serious intent to harm (physical or psychological) Seeking power and/or control Gain material items Blames victim, no remorse No effort to be included in problem solving

Teasing and Taunting Teasing done between friends Taunting purposefully done to make someone feel poorly about themselves and usually involves a difference in power Teasing generally associated with normal conflict and taunting associated with bullying.

Teasing Children could easily swap roles on any given day. Innocent no motive to harm Discontinued if negative emotional /affective output is understood Comments may be part of pop culture (exposure to media or siblings/friends has a huge impact on this).

Taunting Imbalance of power May involve the intent to include others in the teasing behavior. Continues even when the emotional/ affective output is understood (difficult for K-2 children to have this understanding). May involve cruel demeaning comments.

Conflict 2017 Children have less opportunities to work out conflicts on their own due to … Adult mediation High level of supervision Structured activities Decreased open ended and creative play Focus on bullying in society quick intervention Busy family schedules create pressure for quick fixes. High focus on labeling all conflict as hurtful and/or bullying. Known effects of bullying heighten our responses when we feel our children are not being treated fairly. People’s are uncomfortable with conflict – connection to violence in the media.

Positive conflict resolution Learning to have disappointment and how to cope. Important part of social integration. Making interpersonal mistakes to enhance interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence. Development of conflict resolution skills Understanding that conflict is OK

Skills developed in early primary years that lead to conflict resolution Takes turns Playing fair Using words rather than actions Saying things nicely Apologizing Sharing Listening Empathy Give and take of opinions Time often heals

Reality Not all children will get along with everyone. A disagreements/conflict does not doom a friendship. Conflict does not always equal bullying. Conflict is OK and can be used as a teachable moment.

Friendship Ages five and six Focus on their own needs Beginning to understand that others have different points of view Don’t realize that friendships are an ongoing process with ups and downs Short term view of friendship sometimes activity to activity, hour to hour, day to day … It usually applies to an episode(s) of being together Often based on parental/neighborhood/activity relationships

Friendship Ages 7 and 8 Friendship become more personable Beginning to like and dislike people but not sure how to manage these feelings. Children pick friends based on interest and activities which can end up looking like excluding behavior.

Ten ways to help children maintain friendships Show kindness and respect Stick up for people Be supportive Tell the truth Say sorry Accept apologizes If you make promises keep them Put effort into your friendships – give and take Don’t try to change friends Treat them as you want to be treated Taken from the book The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, written by Barbara Coloroso (p119)

What we do at Council Rock Encourage children say STOP and be specific about the behavior when behaviors occur that make them feel uncomfortable. Encourage children to report on going conflicts. Take situations seriously and monitor them closely. Reinforce conflict resolution skills. Have high expectations for pro social behaviors. Use a continuum of consequences for behavioral issues. Talk openly about bullying. Encourage children to speak up when they see other children treating each other in negative ways.

What parents can do… Listen and encourage your child to talk about their day. If your child reports peer conflicts or bullying behavior talk to them in a calm manner and try not to have too high of an emotional reaction. Use open ended questions. Try to problem solve with them. Role play actions they might take. Share stories of conflicts you had and positive resolutions to those situations. When watching TV discuss conflicts and how they were resolved. Identify people at school and encourage your child to talk with these people if conflicts occur at school. Access school resources.