NEGOTIATION How Relationships are Built Anita R. Webb, PhD JPS Family Medicine Residency Fort Worth, Texas

The Need We negotiate numerous times every day. In every aspect of our lives, including Patients Colleagues Family Friends People we manage People who manage us

Example: Marriage What are the 4 most common topics of marital conflict (in our culture)? $ Intimacy In-laws Kids

Marital Conflict What strategies do couples use to settle conflicts? Power-struggles Passivity Avoidance Other? What are the pitfalls of each of these strategies?

Negotiation: The Philosophy Disagreement can produce conflict. Conflict is a problem that you jointly own. Joint problems are best solved jointly “Two heads are better than one” Partnership Win-win “Dancing, not wrestling”

The Goal and Method Goal Method Pick a topic to use as an example Achieve mutually agreeable outcome Method Enhanced communication Pick a topic to use as an example

The Components 1. People 2. Interests/needs 3. Options/solutions 4. Criteria/evaluation

1. People Goal is to understand the other person’s Method Perspective Needs Method Temporarily suspend your focus on self Listen closely [next slide]

Communication Skills Two skills sets: 1. Listening skills 2. Talking skills

Listening Skills Find some TRUTH in what the person says Disarming technique Express empathy for their thoughts and feelings Thoughts: Paraphrase what they have said. Feelings: Acknowledge their feelings. Inquiry: Ask GENTLE questions. To learn more about their thoughts, feelings

Talking Skills No blaming Own your feelings “I feel ______” Not: “You make me feel _______” Convey respect No matter how upset/angry you feel Say something truthfully positive Stay in the present

2. InterestsNeeds: Ask Yourself “Why does this matter so much?” To me? To them? Address your needs AND their needs Identify, understand Prioritize Goal of negotiation: A solution to satisfy both sets of needs

3. Options/Solutions Invent them! Be creative, think out of the box Brainstorm As many options as possible No censoring at this point Stay focused on the goal To find a mutually acceptable solution

4. Criteria/Evaluation Acceptability of options Fairness Reason Guidelines to evaluate options Find evidence Past precedents

Required Attitudes and Skills Collaboration attitude Seeking mutual benefit Equal power Play nice! Communication skills Cognitive creativity (cont.)

Attitudes, Skills (continued) Communication skills Listen with empathy Talk with respect Creativity Brainstorming Choose fair, reasonable option

Role Play Volunteers!

Conclusions It’s the relationship, stupid! Underlying social contract Negotiating contributes to development of: The relationship Discover what matters to them (and to us) Our interpersonal/communication skills

Emotional Intelligence (EI) Negotiation skills are easy to learn But not always easy to use Implementation requires emotional intelligence How well we understand and handle ourselves How well we understand and handle each other (cont.)

EI (cont.) Emotional intelligence Self-awareness Empathy Your needs/emotions/attitudes Empathy Their needs, emotions, attitudes Concern for the other person’s welfare Self-regulation of your emotions Emotional maturity

Recommendation Start practicing now Teach your partner by example Will accelerate your maturation Will grow your emotional IQ Teach your partner by example Lifelong process of personal development Will help you in all of your relationships At home, at work, at play, etc.

The End Reference: Stephen Bogdewic, PhD STFM Messenger (April 2003)