Day #4 of 8 What is grief? (Part 1) Roster: Handouts: April 22, 2016 Day #4 of 8 What is grief? (Part 1) Roster: Handouts: Please verify your information and put a checkmark next to your name or add your name. Please pick up a copy of today’s handouts. http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm

Journeying through Grief by Kenneth C. Haugk

Grief varies based on the type of temperament & attachment loss unexpected vs. anticipated Grief as a response to the loss of control that death represents Five stages of grief D.A.B.D.A. (Elizabeth Kübler-Ross) Four statements to say out loud that will increase acceptance

Three central concepts: Affect + Behavior + Cognitions (Emotions + Overt Behavior + Cognitions) “If we are fortunate enough to experience love, then we may also know grief.” “Everything is accomplished within the context of relationships.”

Many different types of death: Death represents a profound change in the nature of any relationship – both with others & with self. Many different types of death: Physical Social Psychological Self Marital Familial Work & Play

A common question: “How will I ever survive this?” The universal answer: “I won’t.”

“I won’t survive.” “…but I will get through this.”

Grief – “It depends…” Unexpected or off-time loss Expected or on-time loss Do I have any sense of control? #1 – p16

5 Stages/Phases of Grief: D.A.B.D.A. Out of Control Relaxed Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

Denial Conscious – “No!” Not true. I want a second opinion. Suppression – I don’t want to think about it right now. Repression – I forgot about it. No change in my thoughts, emotions or behavior.

Anger Frustration-Aggression I have no control, so I attack those who have control – and are responsible – in my mind. Attack the messenger. Attack God. Why me?! & Why now?!

Bargaining A futile attempt to exert control. If I can live differently, then I’ll have a different outcome. What if I quit this behavior?! What if I start this behavior?! Eat. Pray. Love.

Depression All efforts are exhausted or seen to be futile. Still a high level of anxiety but helpless. Prone to anger and bargaining. Withdrawal from contact.

Acceptance A peaceful acknowledgement of the way things are. Relaxed and not withdrawn. May selectively withdraw from those who are in denial, are angry or still bargaining. May suppress the issue to focus mindfully on effective action.

Acceptance The person may appear to others to be in denial.

Four statements to say out loud that help increase acceptance: Be sure to refer to the person by name. “I love you.” “I know you love me.” “We will be OK.” “It is OK for you to go.”

D.A.B.D.A. …and an anticipated loss. For survivors, if the death occurred after a prolonged illness, then these stages may have been experienced well in advance of the final moment. This is true for divorce, too. Grief may come in waves. #4 – p3

D.A.B.D.A. Not necessarily a linear process. Each is not necessarily experienced. Once experienced, a stage may be experienced again. One person’s response – even acceptance – may trigger another’s anger. #2 – p35

D.A.B.D.A. The relationship each of us has with any one human is unique. …and so the love within that relationship is unique, and the grief for the loss of that relationship is unique. #3 – p29

D.A.B.D.A. “Everything is accomplished within the context of relationships.” The relationship each of us has with any one human is unique. Mentioning your loved one’s name. #3 – p32

Some “no homework” before our next class: Review one year of your life in terms of Holmes & Rahe’s 43-item Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS) Life Change Event # of times in the one year X the LCU’s Retirement   X 45 Change in health of family member X 44 Pregnancy X 40 Gain of a new family member X 39 Business readjustments

LCU = Life Change Unit Each life event is associated with a set number of LCUs. Select one year of your life and total the number of LCUs you experienced in that one year.

The End.