I-Messages and Conflict Resolution

How would you feel if? Your friend lied to you. You’re walking down the hall in school and you see the person you’ve been dating kissing someone else. Your friend cheated off of your test and you both got in trouble for it.

Emotions Re-fresh Emotions control your thinking, behavior and actions. Emotions affect your physical bodies as much as your body affects your feelings and thinking. People who ignore, dismiss, or repress their emotions, are setting themselves up for physical illness.

I Messages One of the easiest ways to defuse a conflict is to avoid accusatory or escalatory language. One way to do this is by using statements about yourself and your feelings called "I-messages" because they start with "I feel" or "I felt” Opposed to using "you-messages," which start with an accusation, such as, "You did this (bad thing)," or, "You are (another bad thing)."

Why Use I Messages? I Messages… Are an appropriate way to communicate how you feel. Allow you to take responsibility for your emotions. Help you avoid attacking or blaming another person.

I vs. You I-messages simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. This makes it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit that they were wrong .

I vs. You You-messages suggest blame, and encourage the recipient to deny wrong-doing or to blame back. For example, if you say, "You broke your promise," the answer is likely to be, "No, I didn't," which sets you up for a lengthy argument, or, "Well, you did, too," which also continues the conflict

Sentence Frame for I-Messages I feel/felt/was <emotion> when, <describe situation without attacking or blaming>. I would like <describe solution without attacking or blaming.>

Let’s Practice… Your friend lied to you. Your coach promised to play you in the next rotation, but then didn’t because the game was close and they wanted to keep the starters in. Your sister promised to take you to the mall on Saturday but Saturday morning changed her mind and decided to hang out at her friends house instead.

BEWARE… Of the “FALSE I” Even though you are using “I”, you are still attacking or blaming the other person Of the “FALSE I”

For example… I felt like you were being immature. So instead… I felt embarrassed when the waiter had to clean up the mess that was made with our food. It’s a “you” message in disguise!

BEWARE… Of Loaded Language Language that carries heavy emotional charge Of Loaded Language

For example… This word implies hostility and aggression. Your listener is likely to feel attacked and respond aggressively as well. Additionally, this emotion likely masking a truer, deeper emotion… I felt furious when my opinion was not taken into consideration. So instead… I felt unimportant when my opinion was not taken into consideration.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and breakups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one  another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.

Unhealthy responses to conflict are characterized by: An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person. Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions. The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment. The expectation of bad outcomes. The fear and avoidance of conflict.

How to Disagree

1. Avoid the Conflict Keep away from the people, places and/or things that cause conflict for you. Walk away if conflict arises. Change the subject. This can be used to buy time until a more permanent method can be used to solve the problem.

2. Defuse the Conflict Delay responding. Move away and cool down. Use humor. Reason with the person. Apologize if it would help. Don’t resort to yelling or blaming.

3. Negotiate Talk out the problem without placing blame. Listen, consider the other person’s point of view. Compromise.

4. Get help Recognize when a conflict is becoming dangerous to you and others. Know where to go and whom to ask.