Crucial Conversations Chapter 6: Master My Stories Chapter 7: State My Path Brian Freeman, John Kinsella, Mike Phillips, Stephanie Salatin, Holli Thomas

Chapter 6: Master My Stories How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared or Hurt

Gaining Control Take charge of your emotions Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. Other’s don’t make you mad Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them Be acted on by them

Think it through “The best at dialogue…aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions.” “…they influence their emotions by thinking them out.” “As a result, they choose their emotions, and by doing so, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.”

Path to Action See & Hear Tell a Story Feel Act

Stories Explain What’s Going On Stories create feelings Stories are our interpretations of the facts Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself a story Stories explain: What’s going on How Why

Infinite stories Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories Things that can make a story change: Tone Attitude Facial expressions Body language Time of day We can tell different stories and break the loop

Get in touch with your feelings Retrace Your Path First slow down See & Hear Get back to the facts Tell a Story Analyze your stories Feel Get in touch with your feelings Act Notice your behavior Page 102

Get in Touch with your Feelings Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why You may want to expand your emotional vocabulary

Analyze Your Stories Question your feelings and stories Are you telling the right story? Do you have the right feeling? Don’t confuse stories with facts Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling fact?

Victim Stories – “It’s not my fault” Make us out to be innocent sufferers The other person is bad and wrong and we suffer as a result Victim stories are told in a way that avoids facts that might have contributed to the problem Exaggerate the innocence

Villain Stories – “It’s all your fault” We turn normal, decent human beings into villains Overemphasize the other person’s guilt Watch for the double standard

Helpless Stories – “There’s nothing else I can do” We make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything There are no healthy alternatives Explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation

Useful Story Creates emotions that lead to healthy action – such as dialogue Include crucial information about us, about others, and about our options Turn victims into actors, villains into humans and the helpless into the able

Differences https://youtu.be/gdp4sPviV74

How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively Chapter 7: State My Path How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

Sharing Risky Meaning Do not dump your ideas on someone or say nothing at all Rather…speak your mind in a safe way that others can say and respond to as well

Maintain Safety Confidence Humility Skill Say what needs to be said to the person that needs to hear it Does not mean arrogant or pigheaded Realize others have valuable input Humility New information may change minds Skill

} } State My Path Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing } What } How

Share your facts A “what” skill Facts are the least controversial Facts are the most persuasive Facts are the least insulting Begin your path with facts

Tell Your Story A “what” skill It takes confidence Don’t pile it on Look for safety problems People start becoming defensive or appear insulted Use contrasting words to bring it back to safety Do not apologize for your views

Ask for Others’ Path A “what” skill Once you’ve shared your facts and views, invite others to do the same Encourage them to express facts, stories and feelings then listen

Talk Tentatively A “how” skill Tell your story as a story rather than disguising it as fact Blend between confidence and humility Our observations may be faulty – our stories are educated guesses Tentative language reduces defensiveness Good Not so good “In my opinion…” “The fact is…” “I’ve talked with 3 suppliers…” “Everyone knows that…” “I’m beginning to wonder if…” “It’s clear to me…”

Encourage Testing Invite opposing views Mean it Play devil’s advocate “What am I missing here?” “Does anyone see it differently?” Mean it “I really want to hear from you.” Play devil’s advocate “What if the opposite is true?”

Strong Belief You do not own the pool We feel justified in using dirty tricks What do you really want? “The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.” Tone down your approach Catch yourself