Cleaning Up the Dirty Fighting in Your SGA www.asgaonline.com ASGA New Orleans Michael D. Anthony, Ph.D.

Conflict Continuum How do you feel about conflict? A = Energized, “I love it!” B C D E = Drains me, “I hate it!”

Assertiveness Concepts From text, Exploring Leadership, 2nd ed. In every communication, each person has a _______________ to be heard and a _________________ to listen.

Assertiveness Concepts Each has a right to make a ___________________ or ask a question, and the recipient has the right to make his or her own decision without ______________.

Assertiveness Concepts Being assertive does not mean that you get your own way but that you did what you could to be _______________.

Assertiveness Concepts Practicing relational leadership…you would have done your best to _______________ their involvement, ____________ for true understanding, and be a productive community member.

Comparison Non-assertive Aggressive Passive-Aggressive Assertive

Non-Assertive I don’t count, you count. Goals Characteristics Underlying Messages I don’t count, you count. Goals To appease others To avoid conflict at any cost Characteristics Low self esteem Deferential treatment of others Self-denying actions Dishonest communication (of negative or unpleasant feelings or actions) Martyr attitude Automatic acquiescing to others Reluctance to take a stand Positive Consequences Conflict is avoided Considered a good guy Negative Consequences Diminished self esteem Unexpressed feelings of anger or hurt Internal tension Reinforcing the demands of others

Aggressive To dominate and win. You don’t count, I count. Goals Underlying Messages You don’t count, I count. Goals To dominate and win. Characteristics Inappropriate anger Selfishness Judgmental stance and accusations toward others Attitude of superiority Seek immediate payoff, demanding own way Discounting of others Putdowns of the total person, not just his behavior Punitive toward others Positive Consequences Getting one’s way Achieving a sense of power over others Negative Consequences Creating resentment in others and eliciting their retaliation Feelings of guilt and of alienation from others

Passive-Aggressive To dominate and win. You don’t count, I count. Underlying Messages You don’t count, I count. Goals To dominate and win. Characteristics Procrastination in carrying out other’s requests Misunderstanding of others Forgetting a the expense of others Being consistently late and keeping others waiting Getting angry over the wrong thing or at the wrong person Withholding warmth as a punishment Developing physical symptoms which inconvenience others Positive Consequences Achieving one’s goals without creating conflict Negative Consequences Internal stress Creation of resentment in others Feelings of anxiety and alienation

Assertive To respect others’ rights, while standing up for one’s own. Underlying Messages I count, you count. Goals To respect others’ rights, while standing up for one’s own. Characteristics Honesty in communication Directness in dealing with others Respect for others, but no deference Consideration of the rights of others Appropriate response to others Regard for self Ability to choose how to respond Positive Consequences Increase in self esteem and self confidence, and in respect from others Greater likelihood of having one’s needs met and one’s wishes respected Chances for closer and more satisfying relationships enhanced Negative Consequences Threatening a relationship that is based on a previous non-assertive behavior, aggressive or hostile reactions from others or over apologetic reactions from others

What is an Assertive Response? Direct Indirect Honest Dishonest Appropriate Inappropriate Respectful Disrespectful Focus on my Focus on others’ Feelings/reactions Feelings/reactions

How Do We Communicate with Each Other? A = Non-Assertive or Passive B = Passive Aggressive C = Aggressive D = Assertive

Types of Assertiveness compassionate courage – willingness and ability to tell someone something they need to hear even it if upsets them or hurts them initially fighting for fairness – standing up for yourself, matching what you think with what you say

Role Playing Initiating Communication Making a Request Refusing a Request Dealing with Others’ Anger Dealing with My Own Anger Taking an Unpopular Stand

Final Commitments Based on this discussion – what will you do differently? How can you hold each other accountable for your learning here?

Anthony Creative Solutions, LLC Thank You Dr. Michael D. Anthony Anthony Creative Solutions, LLC http://www.anthonycreativesolutions.com anthonycreativesolutions@gmail.com Follow on Twitter: AnthonySolution Find me on Facebook and LinkedIn