Conflict Resolution: Dealing With Challenging Personality Types By Dan Zenga, Ed.D, L.P.

Personality Types Driver/Tyrant Controller Whiner/Complainer Pleaser Pessimist/Victim Excitement Seeker

Driver/Tyrant They relate to others in a dominant, assertive or explosive manner. They think if they push others around they will get what they want. He/she hopes others will either back off or do as they are told. At times if they do not get their way, they may become furious and explode. They act this way because they are convinced they are right and they want to show this to others. Others may act this way because they are fearful of being wrong or are attempting to gain power and move others.

Driver/Tyrant Give them a wide berth/let them yell Avoid escalating/avoid power struggle Avoid pointing out or correcting errors Reassure them you are listening Let them release steam Present you point of view calmly Offer to talk about the problem Be direct with them

Controller The controller is a person who either wishes to control life or one who wishes to ensure that life will not control them. They generally dislike surprises. They control their spontaneity. They hide their feelings since all of these may lessen their control. As substitutes, they may employ intellectualization, rightness, orderliness and neatness. Most controllers need guidelines for everything, so routine and schedules, order and rules appeal to them. Most controllers strive for perfection.

Controller Acknowledge their point of view Give them control of self Set plans, practice and guidelines Avoid criticizing their performance Compliment them on the quality of their work Define the problem systematically and logically

Whiner/Complainer There are two types of whiner/complainers: realistic and paranoid. The realistic complainer sees what is not working or what others are or are not doing. The paranoid whiner complains about imaginary slights. The complainer frequently gripes about something (everything) and usually blames others for the problem. They may unload on you as a willing listener. Other times you may be the focus of their complaints either for something you did or something you are blamed for doing.

Whiner/Complainer Avoid the tendency to argue back and point out what is untrue Listen to them Acknowledge what is said If they repeat themselves, calmly interrupt or stop them Shift to problem solving method What do you want to do about the problem?

Pleaser The person who needs to be liked thinks they have to please everyone all the time. They train themselves to read other people carefully in order to discover what might please them. They often shift from position to position in an attempt to please. They view others as the yardstick of their worth. They are motivated by social recognition and want to avoid social rejection. Sometimes they agree to do things but may not follow through or perform.

Pleaser Encourage them to be truthful You want to know what they think Encourage/support them for being honest Acknowledge their lack of follow through You want to know where the person stands and what he/she will do You want them to do what he/she can do or will do

Pessimist/Victim These persons believe things will usually go wrong. They are constantly worrying and are negative in their view of the world, self and others. They believe they are the one who always gets the dirty end of the stick. If something bad will happen, it will happen to them. They may have suffering as their goal and are oblivious that it is he/she who provokes their own downfall.

Pessimist/Victim Do not argue with them Demonstrate understanding Confront, yes … but… Help them to see they have some influence or ability to change what they do not like Give it a try—humor me Shift their point of view

Excitement Seeker The person who craves excitement believes life, routines and repetitive activities are dull and boring. They view rules as restrictive. The excitement seeker finds fun in breaking rules and flirting with danger. When life becomes dull or routine he/she stimulates or provokes it in order to create excitement. He/she may think they are someone special but there is usually considerable pessimism in their outlook on life. Their goal is to create excitement so they often “test the limits,” do what they should not do, “make messes,” bite off more than they can do and leave everything to the last minute.

Excitement Seeker Avoid sideshows—“stupid rule.” Recognize their creativity Respectfully acknowledge the purpose of their behavior Shift to problem solving mode Get a commitment on the follow through Refocus excitement seeking in a socially appropriate manner

Model of Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution Define the conflict or problem. What is the problem? How does the first person define the problem? How does the second person define the problem? Find the smallest definition of the problem. What are the areas of difference/disagreement between the two persons? What are the areas of commonality/agreement between the two persons?

Conflict Resolution Explore potential solutions to the identified problem. What does the first person need to do to resolve the problem What does the second person need to do to resolve the problem? What are the mutually desired goals for the resolution of the problem (win-win)?

Conflict Resolution How will the solution be implemented? Is the solution clear, scheduled, measurable and does is have its intended results specified? What will be done? What are the steps to carry out the solution? When will the plan begin and end?

Conflict Resolution Renegotiate the solution if necessary. What adjustments need to be made? Implement adjustments.

Questions?