BREAKING FREE FROM LIFE’S PAIN: Evidenced-Based Skills & Healing Connections with Christ Break Every Chain World Conference Nashville, TN September 29, 2017 Dr. Heidi Vermeer-Quist, Psy.D. & Glenn W. Lutjens, M.A., LMFT Copyrights exist for this cooperative presentation: Slides 2-15: Glenn Lutjens, M.A. © 2017 All Rights Reserved (Focus on the Family co-branded by agreement and owner permission) Slides 16- 36: Heidi Vermeer-Quist, Psy.D. © 2017 All Rights Reserved Welcome and introduce ourselves

Quotes for Change From 0-10, rate each of these 3 cognitions regarding their ability to create positive change in a client: 1- “The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself.” _____ C.S. Lewis 2- “If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.” _____ Cavett Robert 3- “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” _____ Jesus Christ Might disagree, but timing is everything Add Romans 8:28 When I was in grad school- cognition was king in my mind

Impact of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy A 2012 STUDY BY STEPHAN HOFFMAN, ET. AL. CONDUCTED BY BOSTON UNIVERSITY 11 studies compared treatment outcome rates of CBT with other treatment models: Studies similar to this were coming out -CBT higher in seven -CBT approximately the same in three -CBT lower in one

Albert Ellis & Robert Harper “Although sorrow and regret constitute healthy feelings, hurt does not. People may deprive or harm you by their words, gestures, or attitudes. But whenever you feel hurt, you make their accusations sacred or deify them and thus you actually ‘hurt’ yourself.” A Guide to Rational Living You won’t need any Kleenex in their offices But then I began to notice something in my counseling

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Some believe pentheo means to repent It’s a promise What happens if you don’t mourn? Mourn – pentheo = lament

Core Wounds Core SHAME FEAR INADEQ LONELY ANGER NO MEANING GRIEF ABANDON A model began to develop Emphasis A model Visual way of seeing it POWERLESS GRIEF REJECT

Impact of Others – Egocentrism Preoperational Stage Ages 2-7 SHAME INADEQ FEAR ANGER LONELY Mom Dad ABANDON NO MEAN- ING Core So Cal child on the toilet GRIEF POWER-LESS REJECT

Impact of Others Core Dad Mom SHAME INADEQ STYLE FEAR STYLE LONELY ANGER Dad Mom Core NO MEAN- ING ABAND-ON 3-dimensional with style on the surface GRIEF POWER-LESS REJECT

PAIN AND THE BRAIN No, you don’t need a vision test ---So what do we do to stay away from the core?---

CORE STYLE WORKAHOLISM SPIRITUALIZING PERFECTIONISM ALCOHOLISM SELF FOCUS ADDICTIONS STYLE SELF PITY WITHDRAWAL JEALOUSY SUPERIORITY DISSOCIATION DEFENSIVE CONTROLLING HUMOR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE CORE REBELLION HYPER SENSITIVITY SUCCESS CARE-TAKING CRITICAL Will only talk about a few ---Seeing connections between these and passage from Scripture--- INTELLECTUALIZE DENIAL ROMANCE BLAME SUSPICIOUS DEPRESSION DEPENDENCY RESENTMENT ENTITLEMENT APPEASEMENT RAGE

Lamentations 3:16-24 Two clearly distinct parts Two people? Both biblical 1- Honesty with the Pain 2- Truth beyond the Pain

- Analogy Limitations- DENTAL ANALOGY Drill Honesty with Pain Fill Truth Beyond Pain - Analogy Limitations-

Frederick Buechner It is through memory that we are able to reclaim much of our lives that we have long since written off by finding that in everything that has happened to us over the years God was offering us possibilities of new life and healing which, though we may have missed them at the time, we can still choose and be brought to life by and healed by all these years later. Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner Buechner was an author, theologian and pastor- his father committed suicide when Fred was 10 --What if healing happens?--

Healthy Core & Style Core HONEST ADMITS FAULTS FLEXIBLE CONFRONTING CONNECT ADMITS FAULTS AWARE FLEXIBLE GROWING CONFRONTING Core AFFECTIONATE ENCOURAGING IMPERFECT FORGIVEN RESPONSIBLE FORGIVING ---When the core and styles are largely healthy, cognitive truth can have its greatest impact--- LOVED PURPOSE RELAXED CONFIDENT MOTIVATED LOVING

4 Types of Cognition 1- Factual cognition “I have strengths and weaknesses.” 2- Undeniable cognition “My spouse is dying from ALS.” 3- Modifiable cognition “I will never reach my goals.” If time- implications in marital therapy ---Invite Dr. Heidi Vermeer-Quist up--- 4- False cognition “I have no value.”

The Steadfast Love The Steadfast Love of the Lord never ceases His Mercies Never Come to an End They are new every morning, New every morning, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God Great is Thy Faithfulness

Mental Health Is A lot Like Gardening… Grounding Grieving (pruning) Growing in Grateful Community Gardening Tools: CBT, DBT, ACT & Secure Relational Attachment Skills – Practice/Skills Log

God Is Our Master Gardener Learning to abide in the Vine – John 15

Words become Worlds: What do you tell yourself? Grounding Basics Words become Worlds: What do you tell yourself? Training your brain to embrace a Healthy CORE Christian Self Concept: In Christ, I am Accepted I am Secure I am Significant Neil Anderson

Grounding Basics In Christ, I am Accepted I am Secure I am Significant Repetition is the mother of all mastery and skill… John Marquez (The Ultimate Journey)

Know Your Limits Healthy Boundaries – Good News! You are responsible FOR far less than you think. Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries Learn how to live in and manage your own backyard.

Always Start with God GOD Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom

GOD CREATED YOU Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors Responsible FOR Yourself - NOW

GOD PROVIDES YOU Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom JESUS THE VINE F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors Responsible FOR Yourself - NOW

GOD YOU Other Person Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom JESUS THE VINE F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW JESUS THE VINE YOU F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW

GOD YOU Other Person TO EACH OTHER Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW JESUS THE VINE Speak the Truth in Love! YOU F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW RESPONSIBLE TO EACH OTHER BY SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE…BEING BOTH HONEST AND KIND

GOD YOU Other Person TO EACH OTHER Source of Love, Life, and Wisdom JESUS THE VINE Other Person F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW JESUS THE VINE Speak the Truth in Love! YOU F – feelings A – attitudes B – behaviors NOW RESPONSIBLE TO EACH OTHER BY SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

CAUTION: You are about to enter the “O” Zone! Getting stuck in the “O Zone” is when you feel responsible for 3 O’s: Others Outcomes Old Stuff Just notice: when you feel responsible for the the “O” Zone, you WILL feel stressed. Do you think that perhaps God made you to feel stressed in those times, in order to signal you to slow down and remain responsible just for YOUR part?

Mindfulness – Living in the Precious Present Be Mindful – live in the precious present Marsha Linehan, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Use Your Five Senses Use Your Breath Observe, Describe, Participate in the gift of the present moment.

Christian Integration of Core Mindfulness We acknowledge that relying on God’s presence and His Word are enormously helpful: God’s Presence Reasonable Mind WISE Mind Emotional Mind

Christian Integration of Core Mindfulness Wise mind – produced by reasonable mind and emotional minds working together through dependent dialogue with God… God’s Presence Reasonable Mind WISE Mind Emotional Mind

Christian Integration of Core Mindfulness Benefits of Prayer: Feel less alone – aware of being with God Look at a bigger picture Discern meaning and purpose in the midst of suffering Breath Prayer – integration of bottom up and top down interventions… A prayerful experience can help clients feel less alone, look at a bigger picture than just their own frame of reference and discern meaning/purpose in the midst of their suffering.

Christian Integration of Core Mindfulness Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8, NIV)  God created us to love and depend on Him constantly; therefore, He guides us toward “wise mind”, a grounded place, as we converse mindfully with Him.  I like the imagery by the prophet Jeremiah

Mindfulness Exercise Breathe in – “I thank you..” Breathe out – “I trust you…” Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Quench not the Spirit. (1 Thessalonians 5:17-19, KJ21) I also recommend encouraging clients to give thanks as they notice each of their senses and experience the joy of participating in God's presence through his creation...connecting with the sights, sounds, sensations (touch and taste) and smells in the present moment.

FAB Prayer Journaling through Emotions Dear God, F: What am I Feeling? A: What am I reacting to? (Attitude) the current situation: my interpretation (subjective): the truth (objective): B: How did I (or how am I now) respond(ing) to my interpretation of the situation? What is my typical knee jerk response? What other options do I have? (Really listen to yourself, God, what others have taught you….) What do I choose to do?  While the following journaling exercise is not taken directly from DBT, it effectively helps clients work through their emotions, gain self-awareness, and think through their options… moving toward wise mind decisions.  

Grounding – Radical Acceptance ACT (Acceptance-Commitment Therapy) & The Serenity Prayer Posture Stanley Hibbs Accept what you cannot change Courage to change what you can (your one life, one moment at a time) Remain Committed to Christ & your Values

Serenity Prayer Radical Acceptance “It is what it is.” There are just things outside of ourselves we cannot control – “O” zone of Others, Outcomes and Old Stuff. “Accepting what we cannot change” “Taking this sinful world as it as it is, not as I would have it” “Trusting that You are at work…” GYL version – integration of skills with this classic prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr Use GYL Version…

Serenity Prayer (for today) God, grant me the Serenity (tranquility, composure and peace) to ACCEPT (gratefully receive) the things I cannot change (Others, Outcomes and Old stuff), COURAGE to change the things I can (myself in this moment, managing my Feelings, Attitudes, and Behaviors), and WISDOM (understanding) to know the difference… LIVING One Day at a time… ENJOYING One MOMENT at a time (mindfully observing, describing and participating in the precious present) Page 1-2 in your book, for you to easily read Throughout this session take note of the skills – easily integrated in Dr Niebuhr’s prayer Pray together

Serenity Prayer (for today) ACCEPTING HARDSHIP as a pathway to PEACE… TAKING, as Jesus did, this sinful (evil, corrupt and broken) world as it IS, not as I would have it… TRUSTING that You are making all things right as I SURRENDER (give in) to YOUR will… So that I am reasonably (sensibly and quite) HAPPY in this life and SUPREMELY HAPPY with You forever in the next. AMEN (So be it!) —Adapted from Reinhold Niebuhr’s original by Heidi Vermeer-Quist Page 1-2 in your book, for you to easily read Throughout this session take note of the skills – easily integrated in Dr Niebuhr’s prayer Pray together

BOOKS available at the Meier Clinic Booth & at www. gardeningyourlife BOOKS available at the Meier Clinic Booth & at www.gardeningyourlife.com

This PPT Presentation is posted at www. gardeningyourlife This PPT Presentation is posted at www.gardeningyourlife.com under “Resources”