Balancing the 3 C’s Katie Reck

- Marriage Requirements - What skills are needed to have a healthy couple relationship?

Predictors of Divorce Personality __________________ Religious discrepancies ______________ Geographic – South and West _____________ Liberal attitudes toward marriage and divorce Negative couple interactions (four horseman) Campbell & Wright, 2010

Communication and Divorce Gottman: 2 types of marriages that are likely to divorce Hostile/engaged Argue often and in hot-tempered ways Hostile/detached Emotionally disengaged and argue briefly

Relationship Education Focuses on three aspects: Improving couple ______________ Improve conflict resolution Increase ________________

Communication One of the most commonly cited reasons for divorce Poor __________________ __________ of positive communication How you communicate now – patterns of communication – effects later relationships. Marital Quality Amato and Previtti, 2003 Communication

Marital Satisfaction Decline over time __________________________________ Stable – 3% Unstable – 15% __________________________________ 1 year 10 years

Marital Satisfaction Decline over time Important to have ________________ skills ______ to marriage!!! __________________________________ Stable – 3% Unstable – 15% 1 year 10 years

Positive Communication Have a “Game Plan” It takes two! Personal style vs. couple style Flexibility Practice Having a Winning Mentality

Ground Rules Rule #1 – _______________ Positive Free from distraction Rule #2 – How you start is how you’ll finish _____________________ Rule #3 – ________________ “___” Statements – “____ get frustrated when…” “You don’t ever…” “Honey, did you hear me? A game plan for effective communication” National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. http://www.nbc.com/the-office/video/conflict-resolution/116196

Ground Rules Rule #4 – __________________ Rule #5 – _______________ One issue at a time Current events Less likely to “tune-out” Rule #5 – _______________ Mind reading Be specific and use examples Rule #6 – Stop, Pause, Listen Let them speak so you know they understand ______________ any misunderstandings

Ground Rules Rule #7 – _____________ Be willing to __________ Empathy Its okay to “__________________________” Reschedule “____________” is not always the solution

Active Listening Stop, _________, Replay ___________ Not Re-butt – one opinion against another ___________ Emotionally invested

Avoid ________ Foul #1 – ___________ Foul #2 – _______and __________ Not always negative Implies fault Foul #2 – _______and __________ Put down or demeaning ____________________

Avoid Fouls Foul #3 – The _______________ Natural – fight or flight Foul #4 – The __________________ Conscious decision Spite _____________________

Communication ________________ ________________________________

Conflict Resolution ____________ How we deal with conflict can change!

Positive Aspects of Conflict Help recognize discontent ________________ Provide new information _______________________________ Communication

Negative Aspects of Conflict _____________________ Grow __________________ Addition of others ____________________

Resolving Conflict State the problem _________________ Explore _____________ ______________ Evaluate results http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

Commitment Define - Examples of commitment in your life ________________to give up other competing choices Examples of commitment in your life Marriage is no different ___% of divorced couples state that commitment is the reason

Commitment Create a ___________________________ Outline the _________and _________of the relationship Rules and boundaries Time – quality and quantity ________ Intimacy __________

9 Skills (4 horseman & 5 Do’s) Dr. John Gottman What you need in order to have a positive relationship

Four Horseman of the Apocalypse __________ Attacking the person rather than the behavior _________ Intended negativity and hurtfulness Feeling victimized and taking action to protect oneself ____________ Withdrawing from interactions

Do Calm down __________________ Speak Non-defensively _____________ Overlearn Skills Master knowing what you need – 8 needs

Application to Balancing Work and Family Effective communication Dealing with conflict Learning to commit Gain needed skills in order to create affective relationships