Raise Your Child To Be A Resilient Adult Tracey Masella, LCSW Program Manager Adolescent Transitional Living Program Silver Hill Hospital

The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties Resiliency: The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties

How do you teach resiliency? Saying no early and often. Setting limits. Teaching emotional intelligence (EQ) as well as IQ.

Child is in distress Parent feels anxious, wants to comfort, problem solve, fix, rescue Child’s distress leads to bargaining, negotiating, and ultimately parents capitulating Child learns if I express my distress enough, someone will make it better.

Authoritative parenting is linked to resiliency in children. Firm discipline with clear rules and consistent follow-through!! Flexible, democratic style in which discussion and negotiation are allowed, within reason. Expectations that are reasonable and attainable.

Independence versus dependence Give your adolescent guidance, support, and coaching to help figure out how to be responsible AND SLOWLY give your adolescent greater amounts of freedom and independence while continuing to encourage an appropriate amount of reliance on others.

Fostering independence #1 – I will do it for you. #2 – I will do it with you. #3 – I will watch you do it. #4 – You will do it on your own.

Five rules of effective parenting: Model the behaviors you would like to increase in your child and do not model the behavior you would like to decrease. Validate, validate, validate! Reinforce all desirable behaviors (no “shoulds”). Ignore all undesirable behaviors (except unsafe behaviors). Find activities to have fun with your child.

Creating a validating environment Paying attention by being mindful Acknowledging and describing (versus being judgmental, minimizing) Asking questions (versus having a closed mind) Giving the benefit of the doubt (versus assuming the worst) Being respectful (versus being condescending) Normalize what is normative (versus invalidating the normative) Focus on the positive (versus focus on the negative)

Reinforcement versus punishment Positive reinforcement – giving a reward Negative reinforcement – withdrawing something unpleasant Punishment – safety issues

Managing distress Temperature Intense exercise Paced breathing Progressive muscle relaxation

Vision Hearing Smell Taste Touch Self-soothe Vision Hearing Smell Taste Touch

DISTRACT Do something else (play a game, draw, sing, listen to music, exercise) Imagine (a happy place) Stop thinking about it (imagine shutting your problem in a box) Think about something else (lists, observe) Remind yourself (of other times when you felt better) Ask (someone to help you) Count (your breath, things in the room) Take a break (hold a stuffed animal, get a cold drink)

Children with strong social skills who handle their emotions well are better equipped to handle the demands of engaging with school, forming and fostering friendships, and developing their sense of identity. 

“If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” Daniel Goleman