Assertiveness Techniques Reducing stress by managing life situations Adapted from: McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA.: New Harbinger Publications, 1983. www.newharbinger.com

Poor communications can create stressful situations Not listening effectively can cause you to not meet another person’s needs do something in error not do something that should have been done

Poor communications can create stressful situations Not expressing your wants and needs effectively can cause others to not meet your needs be offended do something or not do something that is contrary to your wishes Not expressing your wants and needs effectively can cause a deterioration in your self-esteem

The way we express our wants and needs can significantly affect the stressfulness of a situation.

Sometimes we express ourselves too AGGRESSIVELY Aggressiveness is defined as expressing our needs and wants at the expense of others.

Sometimes we express ourselves too PASSIVELY Passiveness is defined as not fully expressing our needs and wants in order to satisfy the needs of others.

Aggressive expressions and passive expressions describe the two extremes of a continuum

Aggressive expressions tend to antagonize others, thereby reducing the likelihood that our wants and needs will be met.

Passive expressions fail to effectively communicate our wants and needs, and therefore they are not likely to be met.

Expressing ourselves this way is called assertiveness. An ideal expression is one that accurately describes our wants and needs in a way that is not harmful or threatening to others. Expressing ourselves this way is called assertiveness.

assertive aggressive passive

An assertive expression has three basic components a description of the situation a description of the emotion(s) experienced a description of what is wanted

Describing the situation Provide the listener with a brief description of the situation. The description should be nonjudgmental focused on the facts of the situation rather than on a person’s character specific to a situation rather than an overgeneralization related to multiple situations

Describing the emotion(s) Provide the listener with an accurate description of your emotions as they relate to the situation. The description should be honest directly related to the situation Do not blame others for your emotions, use “I” statements.

Describing the emotion(s) For example, say “I got angry when I learned that my work schedule was changed.” Rather than “You made me angry when you changed my work schedule.”

Describing your wants and needs What we want or need usually involves the actions of others. Express your wants and needs in specific behavioral terms (what you want the other person to do or not do). Example of a good expression: “I would like you to turn the T.V. off and talk to me when we’re eating dinner.” Example of a poor expression: “I would like you to pay more attention to me!”

By incorporating the three components of a basic assertive expression, we: improve the accuracy of our communication reduce the likelihood of offending the listener insure that our wants and needs are expressed

On occasion, we may want to add a fourth component to our basic assertive expression Consequences

Consequences are statements that express what will happen if the listener meets our needs. Consequence expressions should be positive (rewards rather than punishments) related to (of benefit to) the listener realistic sincere

Consequences are statements that express what will happen if the listener meets our needs. For example: “If you go with me to the football game this afternoon, I promise I will cancel my appointments and accompany you to the fashion show Tuesday afternoon.”

In summary Expressing our needs too aggressively or too passively can increase the stressfulness of a situation. Expressing our needs assertively helps us to express our needs clearly without harming others.

In summary The components of an assertive expression include describing: the situation, our emotions about the situation, our wants and needs in behavioral terms, and sometimes, the positive consequences that will result from meeting our needs.

A Final Note Being assertive does not guarantee that our wants and needs will be met. Rather, assertiveness enhances the likelihood that the listener will be willing to help meet our expressed wants and needs.