Relational Messages

Take Away Points Vocab: relationship, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm relational messages How do relational messages function? What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about relationships? About dysfunctional relationships? URPs What are the aspects of an URP? What are the things you need to identify to fix them? How can you stop an URP? How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together? What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?

What is a relationship? Mental models that label and classify relationships and specify how members should treat one another Accumulation of relational messages

What are examples of typical “relational messages” in the following relationships? Romantic relationships Friendships Best friends Supervisor/employee (Or student/teacher) Romantic – Honey, call someone girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time, “why didn’t you call me when you went out?” -> stating that activity is one that is expected to be shared Friends – disclosing something important, “I haven’t told anyone else this”, “well obviously I want you to come with me” Jake Jensen dropping the f-bomb in front of me when I first met him – that tells me about how he views our relationship, insisting on being called “Dr.”

Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our self concept. Confirming message

Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our self concept. Disconfirming message

Discussion What do people want out of a relationship? How can your communication in the relationship give/deny them that?

Relational Message Patterns Dysfunctional Relationships

Palo Alto Group Group of scholars interested in relationships, specifically dysfunctional ones Where were they at?

Relationships are more than the sum of 2 personalities. + Match makers Person 1 Person 2 Relationship

The PAG says dysfunctional relationships have 3 principles. They are created by both people working together To understand relational dysfunction, you need to identity repeated sequences. It’s not productive to blame individuals for a way a relationship progresses. They are created by both people working together (not one person).

Nonlinear Dynamic Systems A relationship is a NDS Dynamic with 2 people Input, Throughput, Output

Punctuation in a relationship can be used to shift blame to an action rather than an interaction. Jack says they can’t eat it Jill spills salt in dinner Jill is making an anniversary dinner Jill gets upset

Unwanted Repetitive Patterns (URPs) Clear sequence for interaction Recurrent pattern: always happens Regardless of topic/situation, going to revisit sequence Sequence unwanted (both people don’t want it to happen) Both feel “we did it again” *Think of an example of someone who you frequently go through this pattern with

Changing URPs We seek to understand the problem in order to change Fractal: a self-replicating pattern Repeated behavior that grows larger every time Strange attractor: the logic or reasoning that determines how we make decisions Sensitivity to initial condition; first time helps to embed the problem If can identify fractal and strange attractor, can change problem, but very hard

Changing URPs Change your behaviors Use third parties Reaffirm your relational goals Spend more/less time with the person Try changing an external situation Watch example! (Arrow, S1, E3, at 29 min) Example: Arrow, S1, E3 at 29 minutes

From example… What did it seem like the URP was? How did the mother attempt to break it? Do you think she ultimately succeeded in breaking the URP?

What behaviors tell us our relationship is in danger of falling apart? Arguments about how to punctuate interactions Disconfirming messages URPs Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio!

Scenario Mom and teenage son – Mom complaining about son’s behavior, son always withdrawing. More Mom nags, more son withdraws, and vice versa. They have come to you as a “communication expert” to help. What do you need to identify (and get them to identify) to help them? Brainstorm how they might try to stop the URP (at least 2 ways) Fractal Strange Attractor

Take Away Points Vocab: relationships, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm relational messages How do relational messages function? What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about relationships? About dysfunctional relationships? URPs What are the aspects of an URP? What are the things you need to identify to fix them? How can you stop an URP? How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together? What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?