Inquiry as Intervention: Fresh Conversations on Hard Topics

Stories About You Think and write for 3 min.: A “preferred story:” a story told of you or that has been passed down to you from family that accurately recognizes you; that you embrace in some way. How has the story affected how you see yourself? How you carry yourself? How others see you? Note key words to help you speak with a partner A story told of you that didn’t accurately represent you. How has this story affected how you see yourself? How you carry yourself? How others see you? Pair up: share your experiences/observations for 10 min.

Debrief How did the stories told of you and the context in which they were told shape Your thinking Your feeling Your speaking/not speaking Your listening Your sense of yourself The ways others saw/experienced you

LUUUUTT Model* Untold Stories Unknown Stories Untellable Stories Unheard Stories Untellable Stories Stories Told Storytelling Stories Lived

Effects of Strong Emotion CONFLICT NARROWS INQUIRY EXPANDS

Effects of a question Relationship between the asker and asked What people see as possible, permitted, prohibited, and preferred in a conversation Feelings about self, the asker, others in the conflict Thinking about the past, future How people interpret/make meaning of events and experiences Choosing what to say/keep silent about and what to ask in return Imagined effects on other listeners of possible answers Imagining the future Sense of one's own agency and capacity Shape stories about self and other

Preparation Connect before Content Align participants’ expectations and purpose Understand their hopes, concerns, experience, strengths and resilience Listen deeply and reflect both feelings & content Invite collaboration, communication, and care

Tools/Strategies for Preparation Overall goal: creating spaces for reflection and clarification Interviews Surveys Letters Homework Co-creating agreements Writing invitations Getting input on design/flow  Coaching

Inquiry for reflection, preparation and perspective-shifting Shift from the “landscape of action” to the “landscape of meaning” Invite reflection Cultivate curiosity Create the experience of “being recognized” Reduce anxiety Expand perception and awareness Hopes and concerns Ideas for change Exceptions to the problem story Triggers, patterns and ideas

Questions to Convince Speaker chooses topic: something you believe is true/important Listener poses questions to convince speaker that he/she is: Wrong Naïve Evil

Questions to Understand Speaker chooses topic: something you believe is true/important Listener poses questions to learn more about the speaker’s views: Meaning Impact Origins Complexities

Reflective/Expansive Questions Strengths, commitments, capacities Feelings, meanings, impacts of decisions Future time, looking back How another wise, trusted person might see Exceptions to “the problem story” Dreams, hopes Choices they can make in how they speak/act

Perspective-shifting and clarifying questions Time: looking back; looking forward Person: from other perspectives Purpose/values: surface; examine; apply Relational: how others affect/are affected by Elicit hoping, dreaming, yearning, committing (as opposed to fearing, dreading, defending, etc.) Hypothetical and future: activate imagining different circumstances

Perspective-shifting and clarifying questions II Expand noticing of what’s unnoticed in heat of conflict: Evoke recognition of commitments and capacities Highlight possibilities for choosing Slow the process down Shift attention from solution to meaning, and v/v

Debrief What was going on for you – as asker or listener- in each condition: persuasion and understanding/unpacking? What did each kind of asking evoke? How did the questions affect what you thought of the asker; what choices you made? Was there a question that stood out as particularly useful?

Useful Questions for Dialogue Open-ended Not “leading” Invite the personal Invite core convictions Invite complexity and nuance

Copyright 2016 Essential Partners Resources www.whatisessential.org “Fostering Dialogue Across Divides” guide “Dialogue: A Virtual Workshop,” a learning series for churches and non-profits Bob Stains: bob@whatisessential.org * Pearce, Kim. Compassionate communicating. Oracle, AZ: CMM Institute, 2012, 79-81. Copyright 2016 Essential Partners