The importance of being asked and being heard Conversations with Grieving Kids The importance of being asked and being heard INTRO: Me Good Grief SFG – program info and example used for basis of workshop

Conversation … a movement towards the other (conversari) … a movement towards oneself (conversatio) The word ‘conversation’ derives from two Latin words: conversari: ‘to dwell’ or ‘to keep company with’ conversatio: ‘to change’, ‘to convert’, ‘to alter’, ‘to refresh’ or ‘to turn’. Conversation = movement towards the other (greater understanding of the other, appreciation of their uniqueness) and a movement towards oneself (deeper understanding of one’s own story and how one feels about the myriad elements of the story). Conversation therefore requires an openness to questioning one’s existing assumptions, prejudices and understandings. Allow the other to teach you about them. They are the expert on their own experience. Let the child teach you about their grief. They are the expert in their own grief and loss. Conversations with children: Challenging assumptions about power and authority: ‘Be attentive, be intelligent, be responsible, be loving, and, if necessary, change’ Lonergan (1972, p.231)

Deeper understanding of grief Workshop Learnings Deeper understanding of grief Importance of acknowledging and attending to grief Benefits of owning and sharing your story Creating a space to attend to grief To communicate the importance of acknowledging and attending to grief feelings that may be experienced in reaction to significant change or loss. To emphasise the great benefit of owning and sharing your story, being heard

Understanding Grief What is grief? Do children grieve? What is grief? Grief is the conflicting mass of emotions that we experience following any major change in a familiar pattern of behaviour” – James & Cherry, 1988 It is as unique as: the person experiencing it (temperament, life experience, support, developmental stage) the person or lifestyle they have lost the relationship between the person and the person/lifestyle that was lost -> this explains why 3 children in the same family may have very different reactions to the same loss What sorts of things can cause grief? Group discussion ie: bereavement, parental separation, moving school or house, unemployment in the family, graduation, illness or injury, change in friendship group positive as well as negative Do children grieve? if a child is capable of loving, they are capable of grieving

What is a grief reaction? Understanding Grief What is a grief reaction? thoughts physical reactions feelings behaviours BODYMAP EXERCISE – use body map to illustrate range and breadth of grief reactions ALSO: Mention ripples and mediators What is a grief reaction? Physical: nausea, butterflies, breathlessness/tight-chestedness, racing heart, headaches, sweaty palms Thoughts: it’s my fault I’m all alone the world is not safe I am different from everyone no-one wants me if only I hadn’t… something else bad will happen Feelings: Behaviours: Changes in eating and sleeping (increases and decreases, interruptions) Trouble concentrating Externalising behaviours: acting out, aggressive, attention seeking, being loud or hyperactive. may be trying to drown out the other thoughts/images in their heads may want to be recognised for something other than Internalising Behaviours: Becoming introverted, shy, quiet, clingy, not wanting to join in activities, becoming ‘extra good’/perfectionism May indicate fear or anxiety or depressive feelings, magical thinking ie ‘If I behave maybe I will get my wish’ / ‘The bad thing happened because I was bad’, may be trying to distract self from unwelcome reality

Acknowledging Grief Naming the grief Emotional Literacy Safe Place Open ears and minds “Give people a subject they know well and a place they feel safe, and you won’t be able to shut them up” - Mal McKissock. Add to this: the language they need to recognise and express their emotions and you have a winning combination. Naming the Grief Being able to name the grief can be a huge relief to child. Having someone ask how they are feeling, hear what they say, and to help them realise that feeling this way is normal and OK can make a huge difference. It won’t take the grief away, but it can remove all the feelings that surround the grief so that just the grief remains to be dealt with. Makes it more manageable, more familiar. Emotional Literacy Recognising the feeling Finding the words Safe Place With trusted people Truth an Inclusion Group guidelines – CREATE THESE FOR THIS GROUP Open ears and minds People who will let you teach them about your experience Who will not interrupt or judge The challenge is not just having the skills to listen to children, hear their voices or access their views. It is also about scaffolding them to discover and negotiate who they are and their place in the world within a dialogical space that allows adult and child the opportunity to reflect on, interpret and reinterpret their experience through their conversations and activities.

Timeline… Acknowledging Grief Demonstrate SFG Activity Include happy changes as well as sad ones (pos as well as neg changes can lead to grief) Write down whatever you like in your timeline, but share only something you feel safe sharing – maybe only a happy memory Illustrate value in… Acknowledging the loss Sharing / being heard How did it feel to share?

Creating a Safe Space Seasons for Growth … teaches the language … creates the space Teaches the language emotional literacy – ability to recognise, name and communicate one’s feelings. Metaphor of the Seasons Creates the space Normalises the experience – don’t feel alone, crazy, odd one out Creates a support network – other students and adults who know where they are at in their story Honours the story – “holds” the student

A worrying grief reaction… When to worry? First, remember: Grieving and adjusting to change takes time and work Grief is a journey which can last a lifetime No right or wrong way to grieve, so no way to fail A worrying grief reaction… Gets worse and doesn’t seem to lessen over time Leads to depression (more than sad) Makes the person feel ‘stuck’

www.goodgrief.org.au