Helping children to survive family breakdown Alison Pinks Educational Psychologist

Key findings from research While 10% of children from intact homes had serious behaviour difficulties roughly 30% of the children from divorced homes show such problems (Hetherington 1993)

Level of parental conflict is key Children of parents who engage in regular high levels of conflict do better psychologically and socially if their parents divorce Children of parents in low conflict but unsatisfying marriages are likely to do better if their parents remain together Amato and Booth 1997. (Between 50 and 70% of divorces occur in low conflict marriages)

Gender and age The negative effects of divorce and parental conflict influence both boys and girls equally There is some evidence that adolescents are more negatively affected by parental conflict than younger children, but a younger child who experiences family breakdown is more likely to be exposed to repeated transitions in family structure (e.g. lone parent, then step family then lone parent etc)

Resilience Within the same family some children will cope better than others due to their differences in resilience and response to stress….why? Age of child Personality Other issues going on for the child..e.g other transitions Relationships with parents Other support available Divorce should be seen as a process not an event and not something to ‘get over’…it begins long before the actual departure of the parent and continues throughout childhood…may well be difficult times throughout their life e.g. guilt at Christmas/holidays. Jealousyanger at new partner or baby, loss of weekend activities due to house swaps.

All things being equal the children who suffer the greatest and longer term consequences are Where a parent loses competence as a result of the turmoil of the transition Where there is a great loss in economic resources Where there is greater life stress Where there are greater levels of on going inter parental conflict. When there are repeated transitions

Activity If you asked a child : What would have helped you to cope better when your parents separated? Jot your ideas down on a post it note.

What do children say ? I want to be told about what is going on yet we are often left in the dark. I want everyone to communicate. Some children want to be involved in the decision making that will effect them I want to retain a relationship with both parents. I love both parents and feel I am similar to both…so if one parent is critical of the other.. it is like criticising me and can result in self esteem issues and self destructive behaviour.

What can adults do to help their children … What can adults do to help their children ….before and during the separation? Facilitate communication between both parents and the children. Less than 20% of children report that both of their parents talked to them about the impending divorce. Supporting children through the transitions Facilitating networks of support e.g. school, grandparents Managing conflict levels…

What can the adults do to help their children….after the separation Parents need to establish a cooperative mutually supportive non confrontational co parenting relationship….but research shows that this only occurs in about 25-33% of cases The child needs to have a warm positive relationship with at least one caregiver Understand the stages of grief their child might go through ….how not to do it ‘Danny’s Story’

Social support Children often seek support from those outside the immediate family such as grand parents or friends….ELSAs?

Sharing stories…how can it help? Allows difficult feelings to be discussed through 3rd person characters Provides reassurance that ‘I am not the only one’. Allows space to think and reflect Siblings can hear each others thoughts and feelings Parents can learn about their child’s feelings

Activity Choose 1 book from the selection and spend some time looking at them in your group. Complete the review form in your groups. Feed back to the group

Some common themes and ways to support them. Children can have lots of conflicting feelings which leads to confusion. Children often feel they cannot talk about their worries and anxieties in front of their parents They might feel guilty about having a nice time with one or other parent, when the other parent is alone. They may have anxieties /concerns about the process of divorce and how it will affect them They will have to cope with and adapt to many changes in their lives They may have to put up with high levels of conflict /arguments They may be let down when a parent does not turn up for a visit They may never see one parent One or both parents may meet a new partner They may feel guilty that the separation is their fault Some children may ‘act out’ after a separation and others may withdraw. These changes in behaviour may be confusing and scary to the child and those around them.

Working with small groups Allows children to see they are not the only ones facing the issues Children learn from the input of other group members Encourages children to open up and take risks

Group sessions Group size: 4 – 7 Duration: 7 weeks Frequency: 45 minute weekly sessions Content: Games and activities to build group identity in all sessions Session 1: Introducing the group Explain the purpose of the group Establish group identity Group sessions: Involved between 4 – 7 children who met once a week over a course of 7 weeks. The sessions lasted about 45 mins. Children were either in groups for children aged 5 – 7 (infant level) or 7 – 11 (junior level) The group sessions consisted of games and activities to build the group’s identity and to meet the aims described on previous slide. A short reunion session was also held at the beginning of the term following the main work. When group work had finished the children were given a photograph of the group to take with them. There were two adults supporting the group to provide extra practical and emotional support where necessary. The first session was an introduction to the group, explaining its purpose and helping the children get to know each other. WHEPS-ELSA-Trainees' handbook-Day 6 (Supporting Children through Family Break-up)/3397699

Group sessions Session 2 Aim: Discuss and normalise different family structures Continue to build group identity Trust/safety Talk about their own families and the changes Session 3 Aim: Name and acknowledge feelings Introduce feelings words Enable children to express and experience a range of feelings Session 2 – the children were encouraged to talk about their own families and the feelings they had about the changes that had occurred Session 3 – introduced words to describe feelings commonly experienced by children when their parents have separated, giving the group permission to express and experience a range of feelings, including negative ones. WHEPS-ELSA-Trainees' handbook-Day 6 (Supporting Children through Family Break-up)/3397699

Group sessions Session 4 Aim: Consolidate work on feelings and introduce coping strategies How and when the children express their feelings Exploring coping strategies Session 5 Aim: Think about their families How the families are now How the families have changed What they find difficult Session 4 – continued to familiarise children with their feelings, including how and when they experienced and expressed certain feelings, and began to explore possible coping strategies. A group photo was taken. Session 5 – encouraged children to think about their families, as they were now, how they may have changed and what if anything they were finding difficult. WHEPS-ELSA-Trainees' handbook-Day 6 (Supporting Children through Family Break-up)/3397699

Group sessions Session 6 Aim: Focus on the future Think about the family changes Explore hopes for the future Session 7 Aim: Closure Acknowledge similarities and differences in their family structures Remind group members of who can listen, help and support them Group photograph to take home Follow up Session : Catch up time Session 6 – encouraged children to think about their families in the past and present and to think about hopes for the future. It continued to encourage the children to have a positive sense of identity. Session 7 – draws group to an end and reminds children about the purpose of the group, acknowledging both the aspects in common and aspects that are different – diverse – about their family experiences. Aims to remind the group of others who can help or listen to them. Children are given a copy of the photo to take home. Follow up – no formal activities were arranged. Group shared a cake and children talked about what they had done since the last session. WHEPS-ELSA-Trainees' handbook-Day 6 (Supporting Children through Family Break-up)/3397699

considerations Parents need to give their permission and be given some key information about the content of the sessions.