Preventing domestic abuse through purposeful parenting Kingsley Obom-Egbulem

What have we learnt about domestic violence, abusive men and abused women?

The man of today was a body yesterday and whatever you give (or fail to give to a child) he would give to society- good measure, pressed down, shaking together and running over And that includes “teaching” to respect women or helping him treat women as things.

If we cant do much about the past, at least we should be able to take hold of the future by doing the right things, the right way, now!

The boy who is going to abuse his wife or his children tomorrow is being raised somewhere today…INFACT he’s been raised right now!

If you knew the boy without shoes; 30years ago would become your president someday, one day, what would you have done differently to him and for him? Probably buy him shoes! Right?

The man beating his wife and abusing his children probably had that programme installed in his system yesterday…and even showed some signs of what he’s doing today while still in his teens. But no one took notice,“he’s just a child,you know! ” we often say.

If you knew the boy calling the girls in his class ‘bitches’ and pointing the ‘F’ finger at them would today would marry your daughter, niece, sister tomorrow abuse and even threaten to kill her, what would you have done differently while you still had the power to mould him into a responsible man?

Every male child is potentially a perpetrator of domestic abuse (just as he is also, potentially a catalyst (for speaking up against) and ending domestic abuse.

What we do to him (or with him) now would determine the happiness of some of the women that would be in his life tomorrow.

Every girl today is also potentially a victim or might be at the receiving end of domestic abuse tomorrow.

Knowing this, what can you do differently to raise such a child into a strong, confident, assertive woman with capacity for indentifying people with whom she can build healthy relationships?

Help your child deal with/resolve all identity issues They are (and would strive to become) whatever you call them Help them know who they are. Model the right model of manhood and womanhood. Let them know that a man’s strength is not esteemed in hurting women And a woman’s glory is having self respect and dignity. Let them know that a man is not better than a woman and that God made them equal

Affirm their strengths and don’t allow them get too conscious of their weaknesses Help them realise early in life that anyone who tries to belittle them should be avoided or respectfully challenged

Build a home not a house Create a home your children can call a ‘safe haven’ They must look forward to coming home not look for every opportunity to leave home. (Some girls have actually used marriage as an avenue to escape from home and they usually run into the embrace of abusive men and they cant go back home when the abuse begins)

Help your kids discover purpose By answering these ultimate questions: Who am I? Who do I want to be? What would make me happy? What drives me or what makes my heart bleed? What am I here for? How do I want to be remembered? How do I want my graveside oration to read?

Children who discover purpose early in life and start pursing that purpose are often focused, engaged and too busy to be distracted by purposeless people or friends. They also attract their kinds

Daddies…please Build strong and confident girls and model the ideal male character You are their first lover and image of an ideal MAN

For moms… Are you “raising the boy you would love to marry?” Are you currently the woman you dreamt off as a girl? What is missing? Are you lesser or more dignified than you imagined as a girl?

Finally Domestic abuse reflects a dysfunction in what constitutes the fundamental make up of an individual. What we see are mere symptoms

Its also a reflection of the home we are coming from and what was implanted in us Children are most times a reflection of the adults in their life. And they often end being the exact replica of those adults in their adult life. Hence we’ve find out that we’re either trying not to be like our parents or we’ve actually become like them.

So ask yourself critically How did daddy and mommy (either by omission or commission) prepare me for the home and marriage I’m building now?

The answer might not surprise you given the results you’re seeing now. That is why Fredrick Douglass insists that “it is better to build strong boys that wait to repair broken men”. We can see the negative impact of broken adults whenever we shine the light on domestic abuse and sexual violence against women and girls.

We can start now to do something about our boys and our girls today. So we can at least have a better home and family life for them tomorrow.

Thank you Kingsley Obom-Egbulem 08053788199 editor@parentingnow.com.ng