PARENTAL ALIENATION A 30-MINUTE INTRODUCTION To SILENT FORM OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Joan Kloth-Zanard MFT, GAL, RSS, ADA, ABI, LC, DCF certified reporter

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees when there is a mist of misinformation in the way

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE? How many of you THINK YOU know what Estrangement is? How many of you THINK YOU know what Psychological abuse is? How many of you THINK YOU know what Parental Alienation is? How many of you THINK YOU know the difference between Parental Alienation and Self-Imposed Estrangement?

Estrangement Per the DSM 5 under the category of “Parent-Child Relational Problem” with the the diagnostic code of V.61.20, Estrangement is: “negative attributions of the other's intentions, hostility toward or scapegoating of the other, and unwarranted feelings of estrangement.” In other words, a distancing from a perceived problem or person.

Estrangement When we speak of Estrangement in a divorce, we mean that a child’s choice to refuse a relationship with their parent or other person is due to bona fide provable abuse. In other words, the child has a valid reason for distancing themselves and refusing a relationship.

Parental Alienation Whereas estrangement is a form of distancing from another: Parental Alienation is a form of estrangement It uses coercive control to convince another to disengage from a personal relationship with someone they once loved and respected. It is in essence a form of bullying, brainwashing and programming by another to hate someone.

Parental Alienation v Estrangement It is not possible to differentiate between alienation and estrangement based on just the child's rejection of a parent. Five factors need to be considered when determining whether a child's disaffection of a parent is due to parental alienation in any particular family (Baker, Bone, & Ludmer, 2015) : Baker, Amy, Fine, Paul & LaCheen-Baker, Alianne: Restoring Family Connections, 2016, Page 10.

Parental Alienation v Estrangement The targeted parent had a positive relationship with the child prior to the current breach, Absence of abuse or neglect on the part of targeted parent, The favored parent exhibited many of the 17 primary parental alienation behaviors, The child exhibited many of the behaviors of an alienated child, and The favored parent engaged in intentional misrepresentations to professionals. If there is evidence of all five factors, Parental Alienation is the most likely primary cause of the child's rejection of a parent. : Baker, Amy, Fine, Paul & LaCheen-Baker, Alianne: Restoring Family Connections, 2016, Page 10.

Parental Alienation It is referred to by many terms: Alienation Hostile Aggressive Parenting Coercive Control Pathogenic Parenting Domestic Violence by Proxy Chronically Enmeshed Relationship Narcissistic Victim Syndrome The Silent Abuse

Parental Alienation The DSM & ICD Use the following codes: V61.29 Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress CAPRD, and also as referred to in the International Classification of Diseases, 9th Revision [ICD-9-CM]) and Z62.898 as in ICD-10-CM. 309.4 Adjustment Disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct V61.20 Parent-Child Relational Problem V995.51 Child Psychological Abuse, Confirmed (pathogenic parenting)

Parental Alienation v. Estrangement The difference between Estrangement and Parental Alienations is in the details of the story and how it is told. Estranged children recall with detailed accuracy about some kind of abuse. The story does not grow in severity or become exaggerated. In other words, their story does not go from a simple helping of someone, to the child becoming Superman and flying down the stairs to save that person.

Parental Alienation v. Estrangement On the other hand, Targeted/Alienated children will state that they hate the other parent. Yet, they cannot give you a solid valid reason. Their excuses are frivolous and faulty. If this was not a high conflict divorce/separation, often their reasons would not be considered valid to hate their other parent. They often cannot give you details that match or the details grow exponentially the more you interview them.

What is Parental Alienation? It is the main ingredient of High Conflict Divorce. It makes the children’s and the parent’s lives miserable. It is a form of psychological abuse. It is a form of Domestic Violence. Accepted as such by the American Bar Association who published Clawar and Rivlin’s books: Children Held Hostage: Identifying Brainwashed Children, Presenting a Case, and Crafting Solutions 1st Edition 1991, 2nd edition: 2013 ”Parental Alienation Syndrome” by Gardner, Richard, 1998

Signs of Psychological Abuse Rejecting (spurning) Terrorizing Corrupting Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability Unreliable and inconsistent parenting Mental health, medical, or educational neglect Degrading/devaluing (spurning) Isolating Exploiting children's mental health “Abuse in the Family” by Alan Kemp’s book, pages 72-77

Signs and Symptoms of Alienation Impeding the relationship between the children and the other parent False allegations of abuse Lying about the parent, to the children and anyone else who will listen Brainwashing and programming the children to hate the other parent Hostile Aggressive Parenting, which leads to Parental Alienation Parental Alienation leads to the Syndrome in the children. It is a form of psychological abuse, which destroys the children’s lives and everyone it touches.

HOW CAN YOU TELL OR KNOW IF ANY OF THIS IS GOING ON? BUT I HEAR YOU SAYING… HOW CAN YOU TELL OR KNOW IF ANY OF THIS IS GOING ON? HOW DO YOU DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN A LIE AND THE TRUTH?

8 Manifestations by Dr. Richard Gardner A campaign of denigration Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation. Lack of Ambivalence The “independent thinker” phenomenon Reflexive support of the AP in the parental conflict Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the Alienated Parent The presence of borrowed scenarios, parroting Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the Alienated Parent. ”Parental Alienation Syndrome” by Gardner, Richard, 1998

17 Strategies Used by Amy Baker, Ph.D. Badmouthing Limiting Contact Interfering with Communication Interfering with Symbolic Communication Withdrawal of Love Telling Child Targeted Parent Does Not Love Him or Her Forcing Child to Choose Creating the Impression that the Targeted Parent is Dangerous Confiding in Child ”Beyond the High Road” by Baker, Amy and Fine, Paul, 2008

17 Strategies Used by Amy Baker, Ph.D Forcing Child to Reject Targeted Parent (TP) Asking Child to Spy on Targeted Parent Asking Child to Keep Secrets from Targeted Parent Referring to Targeted Parent by First Name Referring to a Stepparent a “Mom” or “Dad” and Encouraging Child to do the same Withholding Medical, Academic, and Other Important Information from Targeted Parent/Keeping Targeted Parents Name off of Medical, Academic, and Other Relevant Documents Changing Child’s Name to Remove Association with Target Parent Cultivating Dependency ”Beyond the High Road” by Baker, Amy and Fine, Paul, 2008

11 Red Flag Behaviors by Joan Kloth-Zanard Activities Communication Issues Court Orders & Legal Issues Enmeshment, Alignment, Loyalty Conflicts & Intrusive Tactics Extended Family and Friend Issues Medical & Professional Issues Name Issues School Symbolic Connection Issues Visitation Issues Situation Specific Issues ”Red Flag Behaviors Tool” by Joan Kloth-Zanard, Catherine MacWillie, et.al 2003

WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? The Alienating Aggressive Parent The Targeted Parent The Alienated Parent The Targeted Children The Alienated Children The Extended Family and Friends The Professionals

The Alienating Aggressive Parent These people have extremely low self-esteem. They are filled with hatred, anger and rage. They are stuck in the anger stage of the grieving process. They cannot move forward in a positive way.

The Alienating Aggressive Parent They were raised to believe they had to be Perfect. If they were not perfect, then they are not Loveable. If they are not loveable, then they will be Abandoned.

The Alienating Aggressive Parent They need to be in total control. 99% of them have some form of mental health issues such as Narcissism, Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality, Anti-Social and Sociopathic.

The Alienating Aggressive Parent Raised in this environment as a child, how would they know any differently or that this is inappropriate. It is like being taught to walk backwards your whole life. Then you get into the real world, and everyone else is walking frontwards. Well, everyone else has to be wrong because if not, then your whole life is a life.

The Alienating Aggressive Parent These aggressive parents often are projecting the abuses that occurred in their own family of origin (FOO) through the children and onto the targeted parent. We often find that the aggressive parent was actually abused in the same manner that they claim the targeted parent is abusing them or the children. This Projection is all too common.

Targeted v Alienated Parent The Targeted Parent as the name implies are the parents whom are under attack by the Alienator. They have not yet completely lost their relationship with their children. The Alienated Parent, on the other hand, has lost their relationship with their children because of the aggressive parents behavior toward and about them.

Targeted and Alienated Parents have the following in common: These people started out as the passive, peacemaker, go with the flow, whatever you say, Honey-parent. They came from a family of origin situation where one parent was the controller and the other was passive and they have gravitated toward some like the abuser in their FOO. Once these parents stand up for themselves and take back the control, this is when all hell breaks loose with the aggressive parent.

Targeted v Alienated Parent The targeted/alienated parent is very susceptible to PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the abuse that the aggressive parent is now doling out. They want to fight for their kids but also fear that fighting for them will cause the children more harm as the aggressive parent pours on the alienation. This parent wants to do the right thing but often the right thing is almost impossible when they are constantly being put down and denigrated by a Charismatic Narcissist.

Targeted v Alienated Parent They loose their self-esteem and positive belief in their own abilities as a parent from the abuse. Gaslight, they often loose their sense of self-worth and belief in themselves as parents. Until they get support and find out they are not alone, they are completely overwhelmed with grief.

How Did These Parents Even Meet if They Are So Different? It is a subconscious/unconscious attraction. The aggressive parent was attracted to the Targeted parent because they were so easy to control. The Targeted Parent was attracted to the Aggressive parent because they were used to being told what to do and how to do it. It was a “natural” fit until the Targeted parent stood up and took back the control.

And if you think this is hard for a parent… JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE FOR A CHILD TO FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO HATE THEIR OTHER PARENT.

Targeted Child v. Alienated Child Like their parent, a Targeted Child is one who is being bullied, and groomed via brainwashing and programming to hate the other parent. Whereas an Alienated Child has turned against one of their parents to protect themselves from further harm by the terrorizing aggressive parent. They are in Self-Protecting mode.

Targeted Child v. Alienated Child A person raised under this condition, and lacking self-esteem, will also take on the persona of one of their parents. It is a Multigenerational pattern that gets passed down through the children. Unless the child is lucky enough to see a family dynamic that is normal or at least less dysfunctional via another relative or friend.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH? THE CHILDREN: Most Children lack the emotionally maturity to handle a high conflict divorce that puts them in the middle. At a very early age these children do not comprehend entirely what is going on because their reasoning skills are still in the concrete stage of the thinking process.

The Child’s Psychological Makeup Chronologically, what I often see is that at about age 10, the child goes from concrete reasoning to abstract reasoning. What this means is that they go from understanding that a horse is horse because it has fur, four legs, runs fast and says neigh; to why, what, where, when. When the child starts asking these questions that is when the parental alienation gets poured on.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY Where is the Child? In addition, these children are often stuck emotional at the age that the dysfunction/trauma/divorce problems began. In fact, most alienating/aggressive parents are also stuck at an emotional age when the trauma or problems began in their family of origin.

Targeted Child v. Alienated Child There are 4 types of children. The first 3 have the lowest sense of self-worth and self-esteem. The Brainwashed or Flight Child, who crumbles to the bully parents demands to hate the other parent. The Hostage or Freeze Child who goes along with the flow for self-preservation. The Warrior or Fighter child who refuses to join the “I Hate Mommy/Daddy Club!” The Peacemaker or Mediator who will not take sides and will not engage. They have a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

WHICH CHILD IS AT HIGHER RISK FOR SELF-HARM? The child I worry about the most is the one that refuses to join the “I hate Mommy/Daddy Club”. These children become the next target of the alienators rage. As the alienator cannot control this child to hate the other parent, they often claim these children are a problem and need to be medicated. These children are often the ones who end up self-harming, cutting, and having Suicidal Ideations. They are often falsely diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLDER CHILD? Older children want to be independent thinkers, but reality is that the human brain does not stop growing to about age 25. It is why they are not allowed to vote until they are 18 or drink until they are 21. They do not have the ability to differentiate safely between their wants and their needs. They also have raging hormones. For those with extremely low self-esteem, they are terrified of loosing the aggressive parents love. They will do almost anything to keep on their good side.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLDER CHILD? Interestingly, those children who have a good sense of self, do NOT get affected as easily by a high conflict divorce with an aggressive parent. They have the emotional maturity and strength to say, NO and to not get drawn in. They remain stable in their school work, friendships and relationships with both parents.

EXTENDED FAMILY and FRIENDS Professionals and the courts make a huge mistake when they claim that the extended family is not affected. This could not be further from the truth. Extended members are also alienated and often become targets of allegations. They get dragged into the middle especially if the will not side with the alienator. Friends also get dragged into the middle and learn that they too must take a side or be part of the wrath of the alienator. Often this group gets accused of abuse by the alienator.

PROFESSIONALS Due to a Lack of education and training, Professionals, often, misread what is going on. They get duped by the charismatic charm of the narcissistic alienator. They become co-opted into the aggressive parents story without really understanding what is going on. Therapists, in particular, believe that they can reunify a family using Traditional Family Therapy. Unfortunately, this is counterintuitive and a huge mistake. It actually causes more harm than good. (Separate Training Required)

But Don’t Be Fooled by.. Good grades in school. This is often one of the few places children have control of their lives. So they will either excel or fail. The child that remains neutral/out of the middle, is the child who’s grades stay close to where they were before the separation/divorce. In addition, if a child is trying to remain on the aggressive parents good side, they may actually excel out of fear of not being perfect.

Proper Training and Education The most important thing at this point is to understand the necessity for proper training and education. This is imperative so that you can decipher between true valid Estrangement and Parental Alienation. Without this, too many children are misdiagnosed and destroyed by a dysfunctional system.

Follow up advanced trainings available. QUESTION AND ANSWERS Follow up advanced trainings available.

Joan T. Kloth-Zanard MFT, GAL, ADA, RSS, ABI, LC, Certified DCF Reporter Author of Where Did I Go Wrong? How Did I Miss The Signs?

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