Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Things That Will Probably Happen Have your heart broken Be betrayed Not invited to something you really want to go to Be rejected Be so angry that you want to explode All of this must come back to power. What power do you have? What power plays can effect you? This is about people having power over you. You can’t always control the outcome and it’s about how miserable people can be. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Every conflict my students get into is not bullying. I'd like a solid definition of bullying so we're not "crying bully" when we should be helping kids work through average kid drama. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Drama Vs. Bullying: Bullying: when one person repeatedly abuses or threatens to abuse their power against another person Drama: Exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. A conflict where both people are involved and can be serious or hurtful. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Happiness is... Meaning Beyond Oneself Hope of Success Social Connection Satisfying Work Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 I’ve never told my friends this, but I get so mad at their little comments. It’s fine when it’s just us hanging out, but a couple of them make a point of saying them around other people. They constantly mess with me about how short I am, how hairy I am, I’m gay—I’m not that good with the ladies. It’s the usual stuff, and it’s stupid, but I get really tired of it. Whenever I bring it up, they just laugh at me and get worse. Sometimes I want to explode, but they’re my friends. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I just have to take it. Like part of having friends is that they just get to do this to you. - Sam, 13 Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 The Inner Circle Low social skills, lack of compromise, video games, apologies, Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

A Mastermind/Queen Bee Directs group’s movement Gives ultimate approval to friends Not sure how intelligent they are until threatened Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

An Associate/Side-Kick Gathers information Social point person Best ability to stand up to Mastermind/QB Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 A Bouncer Can’t read peoples’ motivations Eager to prove loyalty Takes the fall Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 A Banker Read peoples’ motivations easily Doesn’t need to be obvious leader but wants power Really good at being under the radar Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 The Fly/Wannabe Builds friendships by bragging or buying Hovers outside the group Other children have no guilt excluding them Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 The Entertainer Good at making people feel comfortable Tries to maintain the group Has a hard time turning himself “off” Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

A Punching Bag/Pleaser Is the easy target Inner circle believes they can treat him badly Justifies how others treat him Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 A Conscience... Worries about rules and consequences Like having a chaperone Used by the group as a “screen” Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 SEAL STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later? EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want. AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge. LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive! You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me. Fake Apologizer: No dude, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic). You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it. Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Fake Apologizer: I’m sorry Ms. Wiseman. I’ll never do it again. You: (Explain) I could be wrong but the way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. But if I’m wrong, tell me. Fake Apologizer: I totally mean it. You: (Affirm) Look, I know you don’t know me well but if I see something that’s a problem, I’ll address it. I know you can say the right thing but if your words aren’t true I think we can both agree that’s pretty meaningless. I want your words to mean something. Otherwise, don’t say it. Get examples first from them Success is not immediate. It’s building Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 In the moment Assess on the approach Don’t ask the group who’s responsible Get group on task with promise to follow up individually Assess as they leave REDO playground watch Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 “This is difficult to speak about with you but it’s important to me. You’re getting into trouble for violating the dress code and we have to address that. But way more important to me than the dress code is you. You’re a smart young woman with a lot to contribute. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a culture that can try to dismiss you by convincing you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance.   I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud about who you are beyond that. Can you think about what is most important to you in how you want to present yourself?  And how does that reflect what you’re proud of about yourself on the inside?” Get examples first from them Success is not immediate. It’s building Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 “If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most. If you’re genuinely confused about why or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you’re in violation. If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in schools and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.” Get examples first from them Success is not immediate. It’s building Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Reaching Out You: Thanks for meeting with me. I just wanted to check in with you about my class. Student: It’s fine. You: OK. But I don’t want it to be fine. It’s really important to me that you don’t think the class is a waste of your time. Student: It’s OK. Am I in trouble? You: No, you’re not in trouble. Let’s forget about the class for a moment and take a step back. What do you do to relax or have fun? What movies or books do you like? Do you play video games? Get examples first from them Success is not immediate. It’s building Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Reaching Out Student: Why do you want to know? You: Because in order to be the best teacher for you, it’s helpful to know what you like doing and why. Student: OK… I play League of Legends You: I’ve heard of that game. Can you tell me about it? Get examples first from them Success is not immediate. It’s building Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Want to Reach Me? Email: rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com / charlie.r.kuhn@gmail.com Web: rosalindwiseman.com Facebook: Rosalind Wiseman Twitter: rosalindwiseman / kuhncr Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Who’s Doing Great Work? http://www.youthvoiceproject.com Pew Internet and American Life Project School Climate 2.0 Justin Patchin and Sameer Hinduja, Corwin Press 2012 Network Centrality, Gender Segregation, and Aggression, Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee, American Sociology Review February 2011 Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com

Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 Lawrence Steinberg, Age of Opportunity: Eamon Dolan/Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2014 danah boyd, It’s Complicated, 2014 Reality is Broken: Why Games Makes Us Better and How They Can Change the World: Jane McGonigal, Penguin 2011 Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do? Michael Sandel, Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2009 “Perfect” by AHMIR. Go to vimeo.com and download for free Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013 www.rosalindwiseman.com