Crucial Conversations TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN STAKES ARE HIGH (Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler: 2012)

25 Years of Research The most influential (get things done while at the same time build on relationships) are those who master their crucial conversations. These are not always the presidents and CEO’s These people are able to express controversial and risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses and peers listen without becoming defensive or angry. They make people feel safe. The research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source power-the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics. These skills can be learned. Has anyone experienced a meeting like this? Any thoughts on this?

What is a crucial conversation? A discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. What makes a conversation crucial is it has a huge impact on the quality of your personal or professional life.

How do we typically handle crucial conversations? We avoid them We face them and handle them poorly We face them and handle them well

THE LAW OF CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS “At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations we are either avoiding or not holding well.” the root cause of most problems in our organizations lie conversations we are avoiding or not doing well.

TELL THE TRUTH What if you could tell the truth with no consequences or judgement at ALL? Look at “To My Boss” Write exercise / Tell the truth Save til end

TELL THE TRUTH FOOL’S CHOICE: Brownie Video Option 1: speak up and turn your boss into your enemy Option 2: suffer in silence and make bad decisions for your organization Biggest mistake people make Influential people do not make this mistake People don’t tell the truth because they fear losing a friend or making an enemy. They sugarcoat, pretend, or fake the truth. The kids will have to suffer eating horrible brownies and they wouldn’t be able to sell them.

POOL OF SHARED MEANING Dialogue: “The free flow of meaning between two or more people.” People who are skilled at dialogue make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the pool Make better/more informed choices People are more willing to act on decisions made when they are involved in the decision making process People whose opinions never make it to the pool, passively resist and quietly criticize If a principal allows conversation teachers are more likely support and proactive. we want as many people as we can input into the pool of shared meaning.

How do you encourage the free flow of meaning “ dialogue”with differing opinions and strong emotions? “START WITH YOUR HEART” (Start with yourself) Recognize your dialogue deficiencies You can only control yourself Don’t blame others People skilled at dialogue realize they are part of the problem and fix it The only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape is ourselves. How do we do this/ How do we get conver

What do you do when a conversation turns crucial? Stay focussed no matter what happens Don’t retaliate Stop and refocus your brain by asking these questions (helps diffuse the brain and change emotions) What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I act and behave if I really want to achieve these results? What do we really want? I don’t really want to embarrass or hurt someone. I want people to feel safe

SAFETY AT RISK: (watch for these conditions) the moment conversations turns crucial signs people don’t feel safe (silence or violence) your own style under stress As soon as you recognize a conversation turning unhealthy, respond quickly. People who are gifted at dialogue constantly pay attention to everyone’s safety. Think about when you shared something and your safety was at risk? When I taught summer school a principal was letting other principals send special education students to summer school. I had a conversation that turned crucial. I spoke about not having support staff that students had during the year to meet their needs. I was shut down and I took flight and summer school teachers suffered and it was against regulations for the students. After 2 or 3 incidents, I never felt safe to speak again.

When people feel unsafe they turn to silence or violence. Silence Violence

STYLE UNDER STRESS TEST www.crucialconversations.com Click on resources Click on Tools & Assessments Take “Your Style Under Stress Assessment” Partners will learn the 3 types of silence or violence and present to the class anyway they choose (poster, role play, poem, ect.) Get in groups of 5 Split class down the middle

MAKE IT SAFE (Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect) Mutual Purpose (first condition of safety)- Others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation. You share the same goal. Watch for signs of safety problems: (debate, defensiveness, and people forcing opinions into the pool) Mutual Respect (continuance condition of safety)- To stay in dialogue you must maintain mutual respect. Watch for signs of safety problems: (defending themselves, very emotional) t

Find A Mutual Purpose Tough Example: Read Pg. 78 Your boss frequently fails to keep commitments. How can you tell him you don’t trust him without him becoming defensive or vengeful? Find mutual purpose by seeing the other person’s point of view to draw them into a sensitive conversations. If your boss behavior causes you to miss deadlines he cares about, costs he frets about, ect. I think one of the most important ways to handle a crucial conversation well. Find that mutuality/your common goal. What do we all want from this.

Mutual Respect (How do you respect people you don’t respect?) Don’t dwell on how you are different or what they do Counteract those feelings by looking for ways you are similar. Don’t excuse their behavior but try to sympathize and empathize with them When we recognize we all have weaknesses it’s easier to find a way to respect others Ex. Managers and union heads sent in separate rooms to write goals for company. They were stunned they had written the same goals but had such opposing opinions.

STEP OUT Mutual Respect or Purpose are at risk Don’t ignore: Take action Stop/Refocus (start with the heart questions) apologize ( but only if you did something wrong) contrast (don’t/do statement) create a mutual purpose

Contrast (Don’t/Do Statement) DON’T- addresses other people’s concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose DO- confirms your respect and clarifies your real purpose Ex. DON’T- “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value the work you put in or that I didn’t want to share it with the VP.” DO- “I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.” Contrast Role Play/ Cards Activity Give example of angry parent. I don’t

Create Mutual Purpose (CRIB) Commit Recognize Invent Brainstorm Read the section “Create a Mutual Purpose” Watch Videos to see if you can identify CRIB in these videos. Video 1 / Video 2

References Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations tools for talking when stakes are high. (pp. 9-102) New York, New York: McGraw Hill.