English B50 In Class Essay #1

Issues Some common issues with the first in-class essay include Failure to introduce or reference the article in the essay or failure to cite quotations. Not following the structure we went over in class. Use of first and second person pronouns. Struggles with grammar and mechanics.

Grammar and Mechanics The following is an actual sentence from a student essay: It’s alsow warnes people on behalf those illegal fanatizes on others and they may be uncomfortibal. What should this student to do improve this sentence and his or her writing in general?

Introductions The following introduction is from a student essay: The article “Imaginary Perversion Becoming a Crime” by Bob Herbert states that one should have the right to be able to write their thoughts down without getting convicted. It’s invasion of privacy, but on the other hand one should not be able to write sexually about a child, imaginary or not, especially if you been convicted in a child pornography already. What could this student do to improve his or her introductory paragraph?

Introductions The following is an introduction from a student essay: The criminal mind is a peculiar one. One must wonder what Brian Dalton, the man whose case is the subject of Bob Herbert’s article “Imaginary Perversion Becoming a Crime,” was thinking when he depicted minors being sexually abused and tortured in his journal. This is in direct violation of a state mandate which “prohibits the creation, reproduction, and dissemination of any material that depicts a minor engaged in sexual activity.” Those who write down and record illegal fantasies, such as those in Dalton’s case, should be arrested, charged, and convicted of a crime. What does this student do well?

Body Paragraphs The following paragraph is from a student essay: Nadin Strossen, ACLU’s president, spoke out on this problem. Nadn said, she was outraged by the idea that someone could be sent to prison for something he had written in a private journal, she felt that it was completely protected free speech. Ohio prohibits the creation reproduction and dissemination of any material that depicts a minor engaged in sexual activity. Others talk about how the his thoughts were vile, but how others feel doesn’t matter cause it wasn’t for them to see. This might bother people that have children yes, but how would you feel would’ve been worse him writing it or doing it. This is a country where freedom is supposed to matter. What could this student do to improve this paragraph?

Body Paragraphs The following is an actual body paragraph from a student essay: Mental disorders do not always have a cure, as shown in pedophilia. This is defined as a psychiatric disorder in which an adult experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. “A real child. Not an imaginary child,” Herbert blindly writes (para 11). Although Dalton’s drawings were fictional, his first conviction had real children involved. Real children are who he fantasizes about raping and torturing while he draws these pictures. Do you feel that an incurable pedophile who is unwilling to embrace therapy should be considered a non-threat? Saving grotesquely pornographic photos is very disturbing. Many people believe these are the most dangerous type of people. Murderers and other convicts convicted of heinous crimes kill pedophiles because even with their lowered morals, they feel obligated to rid society of these sick men who want to harm our children. What does this student do well?

Conclusions The following conclusion is from a student essay: Every state has different laws on how the governmnt runs but they should be warn that the United States isn’t as safe to our children. These people watching childrens porn should be a warning that they might commit a crime to an innocent. What could this student do to improve the conclusion?

Conclusions The following is a conclusion from a student essay: America’s laws are meant to protect our freedom, not take it. When this standard is not upheld, their purpose regresses to a form of control. The result of allowing the government to punish individuals for writing fantasies about committing a crime is injustice. What does this student do well?