Being Assertive to Engage Cooperation Dr. Karen V. Lee

Aggressive: demands ideas, thoughts At times, ignores others feelings Proactive vs. reactive Makes choices for others Intent on having own needs met Not open for negotiation/dialogue Effective for certain people, contexts Effective and ineffective leadership skill

Non-Assertive: Withholds thoughts, feelings Undermines self-esteem Self-denying Reactive not proactive Turns issue inward i.e., headaches, physical illness Appropriate for certain contexts Effective and ineffective leadership skill

Assertive: Expresses thoughts, feeling Direct, honest, open, respectful Open for negotiation/dialogue Often in face of opposition Effective leadership skill

Being Assertive: Does not require being highly verbal Direct eye contact Simple, direct phrases Teaches others/yourself how you wish to be treated Necessary Teacher skill

Basic Assertive Rights: To express feelings;opinions – use “I” To be listened to To say no without feeling guilty To ask for what you want To be responsible for your choices To decide what you do with your thoughts, property, body, time

Basic Assertive Rights: (cont’d) To clarify To be respected To be independent To maintain dignity To consider your needs To show confidence in yourself To choose NOT to assert yourself

Setting Boundaries: Definition: A boundary divides the line to indicate a limit or place restrictions. (Collins Pocket Dictionary, 1996) i.e, Opening/closing a gate

What are boundaries? Physical (personal space) Mental (personal thoughts) Emotional Money Social Sexual Time

Setting Boundaries: Sets limits Defines your need Enhances well-being Helps you handle anger Effective classroom management skill Required leadership skill Encourages students to express needs, wants to others

Setting Boundaries: Encourages safe & healthy r’ships student-student student-teacher teacher-teacher teacher-parent teacher-administrator, etc

How to create boundaries? Verbal – specific words Non-verbal – body language Truth – express need Others – parents, counsellors, etc Consequences – “If you do this, then. . .” (your choice)

Boundary Problems: Can’t say Can’t Hear NO controlled by violation others YES Irresponsible against letting good in

Boundary Myths: I’m being selfish I seem uncaring I will hurt others Permanent

Developing Boundaries: Use Assertive skills Say “no” with a reason – otherwise taken personally Practice setting boundaries with #1 boundary buster (who is it?) Career – a. Takes on too much responsibility b. Works too much overtime c. Stress/conflicts

6 Assertive skills

1. Describe what you see or problem

1. Describe (cont’d)

2. Give Information

2. Give Information (cont’d)

3. Say it with a word

3. Say it with a word

4. Talk about feelings

4. Talk about feelings

5. Write a note

5. Write a note

5. Write a note

Power Phrases: “I” Acknowledging – validates other I think it’s an interesting idea BUT . . . . I like your strategy BUT . . . I think you’ve made some valid points BUT . . . I wish I could help you BUT

I’m not comfortable with . . . BUT I’m not comfortable with . . . I’m worried about . . . I can’t because (time, money, location,etc) I’m not okay with that because . . . I’m not sure that is what I need/want . . I need to think about it because. . .

b. Fantasy Power Phrase I wish I could do it your way BUT . . . . I wish I had your strength BUT . . . I wish I could help you BUT . . .

Examples: I think it’s a great idea for me to help you after school with moving textbooks BUT I have a conflict with my dentist appt. I wish I could lend you $100 for the field trip BUT I don’t lend students money. I agree that budget cuts are frustrating BUT I’m not comfortable photocopying textbooks.

Summary of 6 Assertive skills 1. Describe 2. Give information 3. Say it with a word 4. Talk about your feelings 5. Write a note 6. Power phrases – “I” a. acknowledge b. fantasy

Summary of 6 Assertive skills 1. Describe 2. Give information 3. Say it with a word 4. Talk about your feelings 5. Write a note 6. Power phrases – “I” a. acknowledging b. fantasy

References: Cloud H. & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Yes, When to No, and Take Control of your life. 2. Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will talk.