How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty: Part 2: The Necessity of Assertive Adult Authority Rosemary E. Cullain Ph.D. Colorado Training Associates Inc

Conflicts Between Adults and Children Exist For Everyone Adults and children have differing perspectives on almost everything Children are naturally egocentric Children with ASD are even more so High value on doing what they want

Interrelationships Adults and children have difference on interrelationships among family members Children naturally see only their own immediate wants and needs They have difficulty seeing how their behaviors affect others, seeing another persons viewpoint Not really possible until well into adolescence For kids with ASD – think of the impact!!!

Conflicts are Normal Natural and Necessary If we avoid conflict with children by indulging their impulses they do not learn to deal with the realities of life. If you are the Master (teacher, mentor) you will help by teaching them valuable lessons Children have to figure out how to learn from their parents wisdom and how to challenge adult authority Parents need to know how to deal with the challenges.

Salvador Minuchin Parents cannot protect and guide without a the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization in inherently conflictual.

Children Must Learn Responsibility Create the need to learn Resist helping, bailing them out, over indulging monetarily and/or tangibly Dressing – often we do it for them for the sake of time and for a more pleasing result. If we help they never learn If money is available to give to adolescents there is neither reason nor motivation for them to seek a part time or summer job. The result in either case – no preparation for the real world.

Results of Non Assertive Parenting Research by Coopersmith found that low self esteem and poor adjustment to school is directly related to nonassertive parenting Same result with kids with special needs! Over time non assertive parenting puts tremendous pressure on kids – they dont know what the expectations are or what the consequences may be

Reactions to Non Assertive Parenting They react in one of two ways. –Playing it safe: becoming secretive about doing what they want –Take what they can get deflecting and/or absorbing adult reactions by outwitting, out-arguing, and outlasting the adult.

Aggressive vs Assertive Parenting We sometimes think they are one in the same. Aggressive parenting is rigid and demanding of children and results in inhibiting learning and the development of self esteem. Example: Demanding that a child be totally quiet in church for the duration of the and adult oriented event.

Aggressive Parenting Result: –Little mutuality –Little dialogue –Kids unaware that they are appreciated for anything they do.

Assertive Parenting Setting firm limits that are based on realistic expectations. Giving kids an opportunity to explore reasonable alternatives based on expectations of their age Helping them learn how the real world works.

Adults have Power over Children Authoritive parenting is necessary when childrens behavior needs to be controlled or restricted. Children are more stubborn and less guilt ridden that adults When parents dont take necessary action it is because of our own resistance based on guilt for the most part. Sometimes parents feel it is catrostophic results if they say no when the child is demanding yes.

Powerful Adults Children appreciate powerful adults although they dont always appear to be so. They want to be told no in situations when their impulses tell them yes and their fragile sense of self tells them no. When adults are not strong their children feel compelled to supply their own strength.

Negative Power Over Children Intimidation – frightening a child into doing our will. Do it or you will wish you were never born –Results in: submission, passive-aggressive, retaliating in other ways Guilt – inducing guilt to make them behave Usually guilt is used when parents feel guilty. You make me so sad when you do this –Result in: frustration – hard to be angry when you have supposedly hurt them – hard to say no to an unspoken request.

Responsible Adult Power Research (Diana Baumrind) suggests that adults who parent with a balance of warmth and high control and high demand with clear communication of what is expected enjoy less dissention or discord in their home. Spirited conflict will arise and that is healthy. The result of such parenting are generally more friendly, self controlled, and assertive than children who are parented by permissive or authoritarian adults.

Assertive Parenting and Personal Judgment Assertive adult authority involves thinking about what we want and how we behave and consideration of the childs behavior, age, and situation. Introspective approach helps in our choices of how to act or not, if we act what methods to use. These decisions are personal ones and cannot be made by others.

Assuming Responsibility If you choose to assume responsibility you must be willing to see it through You must be willing to absorb childrens displeasure without intimidating them, using guilt, or more so changing your mind out of fear of the conflict. Instead assuming responsibility enables us to giving children real control over a matter. Tell them your point of view and your expectations and allow them to absorb the consequences of their decisions

Action Plan In the following weeks we will examine the following ingredients of developing assertive relationships with children –Influence on our authority style –Our presentation to children through words and actions –Strategies we have developed to prevent conflict –Techniques we use to deal with conflicts when they arise,\ –Our understanding and responses to developmental struggles of children –Type of relationship we have with children –How we relate to other adults and gain support –How we deal with our own resistance to change.

Future Parent Evenings Moved to 4 th Wed of the month at 7 pm Next meeting: –February 22 nd 7 pm