Revising a Paragraph and Practicing Peer Reviews Brain Flexor Revising a Paragraph and Practicing Peer Reviews

Brain Flexor – Revising a Paragraph Put the following excerpt through the RADaR. Make revisions as you rewrite this paragraph. Pretend a peer wrote this paragraph and answer the following questions from that perspective. In the novel, Animal Farm, by George Orwell, there is one very particular character whose pride and selfishness creates problems. This character had just merely good ideas in the beginning. However, as time went on, his true self-interest began to shine through. This character started a free republic of animals and turned it into a plantation that used animals as slaves. He never did have enough and always wanted more, regardless of the price that others had to pay. This character whose pride and selfishness creates problems, is none other than the great leader of Animal Farm himself, comrade Napolean, the pig. In a T-Chart, list at least three strengths and three weaknesses of this piece. Highlight the strongest & weakest points. Suggested ideas: RADaR Revision Strategies Use Your FCAT Writing Rubric: Focus, Organization, Support, Conventions & Check-4 Columns Elements of Voice: Are there any words that are flat, overused, or meaningless? Are there any rich vocabulary words that add to the overall effect of the paper? + -

Suggested Revision In the novel, Animal Farm, by George Orwell, there is one very particular character’s whose pride and selfishness creates problems. This character had just demonstrates merely good mediocre ideas in the beginning. However, as time went goes on, his true self-interest began begins to shine through. This character started forms a free republic of animals and turned transforms it into a plantation that used animals as slaves. He never did have enough and always wanted more Satisfaction eludes him and he continues to crave more, regardless of the price that others had to must pay. This character, whose pride and selfishness creates problems, is none other than the great leader of Animal Farm himself, comrade Napolean Napoleon, the pig.

Strengths & Weaknesses + - Syntax – varied sentence structure Transitional words and phrases throughout the paragraph Unique organization – inverted pyramid structure Details – for introduction, will need to flesh out in the body paragraphs Literary Analysis – third person POV Diction – need vivid verbs for stronger, academic language Helping verbs – eliminate the majority of auxiliary verbs Passive voice – change to active voice Conventions – title and commas used correctly in compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences Literary Analysis – present tense