The Power to Get What You Want and Express What You Have Assertiveness The Power to Get What You Want and Express What You Have

Four Types of Communication: Assertive Passive or Non-Assertive Aggressive Passive-Aggressive

1. Assertive Communication Standing up for your rights without infringing on the rights of others. Results in an “I win; you win” outcome. Involves expressing beliefs, feelings, and preferences in a way which is direct, honest, appropriate and shows a high degree of respect for yourself and others.

Examples of assertive communication: “When you talk, I can’t hear the movie. Please keep it down.” “I really like it when you wear that shirt. You look great!” “When you yell at me, I feel angry. Please stop shouting and tell me what you want.” “I know it’s a good cause, but I can’t help you this time because I need to study.”

Meet “April Assertive” “I’m ok and you’re ok, too!”

Has personal power and shares power easily. Chooses for herself and supports others in their own decisions. Receives respect, support, acceptance from others. Is playful; has a good sense of humor. Takes calculated risks. Gains self-respect, responsibility, integrity, freedom, intimacy.

2. Passive Communication When a person gives up his/her own rights and (directly or indirectly) defers to the rights of another person. Results in an “I lose; you win” outcome. Violates your own rights through inaction or by failing to express your thoughts, feelings, or desires.

Examples of Passive Communication: “We can do whatever you want. Your ideas are probably better.”

Common Causes of Passive Behavior Fear of displeasing others Fear of rejection and retaliation Afraid of hurting someone’s feelings Reluctance to give up the hidden benefits of non-assertion (maintain contact with people even when they use you; to keep up a certain image--appear always agreeable) Lack of assertive skills or information

Meet “Donald Doormat” “I’m not ok.”

Feels helpless, turns power over to others. Let’s others choose for him. Receives guilt, anger, frustration, lack of respect, abuse from others. Fearful, withdraws, does not stand up for his convictions, not a risk-taker. Loses freedom and self-respect. Gains attention, sympathy, protection at high cost.

3. Aggressive Communication: When someone stands up for their own rights without regard for the rights of others. Results in an “I win, you lose” outcome. Self-expression which demands, attacks, or humiliates other people, generally in a way which shows lack of respect for others.

Examples of Aggressive Communication: “Hey, I’m in a hurry. Get out of my way!” “I said I’d do it, didn’t I? Now, shut up about it!”

A Common Cause of Aggressive Behavior: Often the underlying cause of aggressive behavior is fear-- feeling vulnerable, unsafe, or powerless in a threatening situation.

Beliefs that increase aggression: “If I don’t come on strong, I won’t be listened to.” “The world is hostile and I must be aggressive in order to succeed.” “To compromise is to lose.” “Aggression is the only way to get through to some people.” “I must get my way!”

The Hidden Benefits of Aggression: It gets attention. Aggressive behavior creates a sense of power. Allows a person to let off steam without regard for other people. Allows a person to see him/herself as all-knowing and all-powerful.

Meet “Agatha Aggressive” “You’re not ok!”

Substitutes control & domination for power. Chooses for others whether they like it or not. Receives fear & defensiveness from others. Uses sarcasm and put-downs; can’t laugh at herself. Attacks & blames others; takes unwise risks. Gains control over people & situations. Loses love, friendship, & teamwork.

4. Passive-Aggressive Communication: When someone acts out aggressive impulses in an indirect way. An attempt to get what you want or need indirectly or by manipulating others. An indirect attempt to control or punish others.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication: “I’m sorry I’m so late. I didn’t realize that this was such a big deal.” (sigh)“Oh, don’t bother, I’ll just do it myself.”

“You’re not ok, but I’ll let you think you are!” Meet “Izzy Indirect” “You’re not ok, but I’ll let you think you are!”

Uses manipulation & deceit to gain control. Is sneaky or deceitful in choosing for others. Receives suspicion, confusion, and frustration from others. Uses trickery and plays “games”. Is sometimes seen as cute and clever, has fun playing games. Loses his identity and respect; is not trusted once his dishonesty is discovered; burns out easily.

The “Four Corners” Exercise Passive Assertive The “Four Corners” Exercise Passive-Aggressive Aggressive

Principles of an Assertive Philosophy: By standing up for ourselves and letting ourselves be known to others, we gain self-respect and respect from others. We try to live in such a way that we never intentionally hurt anyone. When we honestly share ourselves in direct and appropriate ways, everyone benefits.

By denying our own feelings, we sacrifice our personal integrity and damage our relationships. Likewise, our relationships are hurt when we try to control others through hostility, intimidation, or guilt. Personal relationships are more authentic and satisfying when we are honest with each other. When we frequently sacrifice our rights, we teach other people to take advantage of us.

Your Basic Assertive Rights The right to be treated with respect. The right to say no and not feel guilty. The right to experience and express your feelings. The right to take time to slow down and think before you act. The right to change your mind.

While exercising your assertive rights, The right to ask for what you want. The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. The right to ask for information. The right to make mistakes. The right to feel good about yourself. While exercising your assertive rights, keep these 3 points in mind . . .

The Impact of Non-Verbal Communication Our non-verbal communication is at least as important as our words, if not more so. Assuming an assertive stance bodily can reinforce our assertive message. Occasionally, we may confuse others by saying one thing with our words, but non-verbally conveying a completely different message.

Passive Non-Verbal Behavior Speaking softly or with a quivering voice Using half-hearted gestures (shrugging shoulders) Poor eye contact (looking down or glancing away) Backs away (the “Shrinking Violet”)

Aggressive Non-Verbal Behavior Stands close to the person (“in your face”) Yelling or shouting Frowning Glaring Pointing your finger at the other person Striking the other person

Assertive Non-Verbal Behavior Good eye contact (but not staring) Standing up straight and at an appropriate social distance Relaxed, calm Using a firm tone of voice Honest expression Use congruent gestures

Practice Being Assertive

You can become an Assertive Communicator!