The Five Love Languages for Adults and Children Lauren Brown M.Ed., LSSC, LPC Keller ISD Counselor

Welcome! Answer the questions posted on the board Discuss similarities and differences of your answers to the questions with tablemates Enjoy some candy!

Why? What made the gift or comment especially meaningful?

The importance of Love We all have a deep longing, a desire to know we are loved deeply. survive the pressures of life The reality of relationships is that they are never static– they are always changing.

What’s this all about? Video trailer

Explain . . . 5 fundamental love languages receive love through all 5 1 will speak loudest If we receive love through the other 4, that’s okay, but if our love language is spoken– that’s the best!

What is your language? Using either the assessment tool for those in a relationship or those who are single, learn your individual love language You may also start to think about your child or spouse’s love language

Words of Affirmation Who has this one as a primary? Who has this one as the lowest? uses words to communicate a positive message to another person Praise for accomplishments, Affirmation for character (inner nature), Praise for personality

Quality Time Who has this one as a primary? Who has this one as the lowest? personal attention Quality conversations, Shared experiences Undivided attention-- not gazing into each other’s eyes for hours Think of a favorite memory and what made it truly special

Acts of Service Who has this one as a primary? Who has this one as the lowest? others reach out to help “Don’t tell me you care; Show me.” Assistance with tasks and responsibilities

Tangible Gifts Who has this one as a primary? Who has this one as the lowest? tangible rewards/nonmonetary gifts valued by the person Value and occasion are not what matters Not a gift like Christmas, birthday, etc.

Physical Touch Who has this one as a primary? Who has this one as the lowest? Non-romantic touch A hug, high-five, pat on the shoulder One of our five senses and most instinctive Emotional climate, location, and timing are key

Next Steps How we want to be shown love is often how we express love to others About 25% of adults “speak” love in a different way than they “hear” love Blind Spots

For example: We can be told “I love you” and yet struggle to embrace this as reality when it is communicated in a way that is difficult for us to understand. If the primary way a person understands love is words, then acts o service may not communicate well. However if acts of service is a person’s main language, then he/she may be left thinking “You say you love me all day long, but won’t help with the dishes. How do I know you love me?”

Learning a new language All of the languages can be learned Be active, not passive When someone speaks our love language, we are drawn to them emotionally.

Permission Some languages need permission before “love” is given. Some may be really uncomfortable with physical touch due to previous experiences.

Some thoughts . . . Love is not love when it is given to smooth ruffled feathers. Some people struggle to identify their love language. Could loving people be a key to successful personal and business relationships? How?

Individual dialects: Words of encouragement vs words of praise vs words of appreciation Conversation vs. hearing vs. talking vs. listening

Manipulation No person should ever be a doormat. We have the ability to make decisions and take action. Love says “I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.” Love refuses to be manipulated.

5 Love Languages for Children/ Teens Every child has an emotional tank A full tank makes it easier to discipline and train Whatever way love language your child understands best, he needs it expressed in one way– unconditionally. No child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love.

Some obvious thoughts . . . They are children They are act like children and that may be unpleasant at times. If I love only when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent and will believe it is pointless to do their best, since it is never enough. If I love only when they please me and express my love to them only at those times, they will feel insecure and have a damaged self-worth. If I love them unconditionally, they will feel comfortable about themselves and will be able to control their anxiety and their behavior as they grow into adulthood.

Love is the most basic of needs Your child will sense how you feel about them by how you behave toward them. Under the age of 5, a child does not usually have a certain love language preference, so Speak all of them.

Physical Touch Ideas A lot of non-verbal. Verbal needs to be “word pictures” Stroke your child’s hair Snuggle as watch movie/TV Hold hands Younger children- read stories together with a child in your lap. When child is sick, cool cloth, rub back Hugs and Kisses Tickle fights

Words of Affirmation Ideas Send notes, cards, or text messages Be mindful of volume and tone as child may be overly sensitive to this. Specific compliments Affirmations Kind words Frame their artwork or best papers Create a special name of affection for your child for just the two of you

Quality Time Ideas For some, negative attention is better than no attention. One-on-one time Include them in your daily activities Not interrupting, face- to-face talking Surprise child with tickets or a trip share meals together Plant something together Take a walk or bike ride together Schedule a Parent and me “date night” Find silly things to laugh about together

Gifts Ideas Positive, fact-oriented information Do not forget birthdays, special occasions You may need to give less rather than more– carefully chosen gifts are more meaningful. Send a small package through the mail Create a treasure hunt with clues Consider gifts that last– a tree, quality Create a “secret drawer” for your child’s small “treasures” Carry snacks or small candies as a treat when away from home

Acts of Service Ideas Action words like “I will” “What else can I do?” Help with chores Acts of kindness Repair a broken item Bike/Car/Skateboard maintenance for older children Help them practice Younger children– help them get ready for bed and tuck them in Community service together Make their favorite dinner Set up their toys so they can play as soon as they get home

How do I know what their love language is? Survey Observe how they express love to you Listen to what is requested most often Observe how they express love to others Notice what they complain about most 15 week Experiment– test it out– 2 weeks of one language, 1 of “normal”, 2 weeks of another, 1 of “normal”, etc.

After conflict . . . Quality time: active listening with empathy Physical Touch: Hug it out Gifts: apology note and small token of love Words of Affirmation: speaks words that build security and initiate sincere apology Acts of Service: make behavior changes that were requested

Love and Discipline Love looks out for the interests of another, and so does discipline. Ask what does the child need when he/she misbehaves How does a child love? Be careful not to discipline in their love language– for example, quality time should not be disciplined with isolation or words of affirmation with condemning or critical words

And finally . . . Any questions? Thank you! Pintrest The Felicity Bee “Fun and Practical Ways to Speak the 5 Love Languages” Book The Five Love Languages Any questions? Thank you!