Characteristics of Crucial Conversations p 1 Differences of opinion High Stakes Strong Emotions

We are wired to fail in crucial conversations p 4 Fight or flight Time pressure Uncertainty as to how to react Result: We act in self-defeating ways

Types of crucial business conversations p 8 Addressing a serious concern with a co-worker Giving feedback to a supervisor Assessing a co-worker’s performance Explaining missed deadlines Dismissing an employee Communicating about critical compliance issues: safety, security, environmental, diversity, financial

Benefits of mastering crucial conversations pps. 11-18 Improve career Strengthen relationships Improve health

Skilled dialogue p 17 Focus on shared goals and meaning Encourage rational explanations of thoughts Avoid: Debating, arguing, confronting, accusing Hints, sarcasm, innuendo, gossip Silence, passive aggressive behavior

Filling the pool of shared meaning, p. 21 Catch problems before they get out of hand “Learn to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance” Skills: talking, listening, & acting together

Becoming effective at dialogue p 27 Be humble. Work on self first Realize your communication often predicts/creates the subsequent behavior of others

Establish a mental model for success criteria p 32 Know what you want for self, others, & your relationship Define criteria for communication success Outcome: specific, measurable, challenging Acceptable to all parties Conversation takes a reasonable amount of time

Crucial Decisions, pp 32ff Clarify what you do want Clarify what you do not want Present your brain with a more complex question: E. g., How can I express my real concerns without offending the other person?

Becoming effective at dialogue p 49 Keep it safe Know what you don’t want Attack or withdraw Consider a plan for how you can achieve what you want while minimizing interpersonal distractions from goals

Adopting a dual perspective p 51 Importance of holding a dual perspective, keeping own objectives in mind while looking at situation through the eyes of the other. Look for physical and emotional signs of a crucial conversation

Sounds of silence, p 52 Masking: Sarcasm or couching Avoiding Withdrawing

Violence, p. 53 Controlling Labeling Attacking

Build safety p 65 Focus on mutual purpose: good entry position for dialogue mutual respect Approaches apologize, when appropriate contrast to confirm understanding and respect brainstorm for effective strategies

Control your emotions p 93 Use the 6-second rule Separate facts from conclusions Avoid 3 explanations Victim: It's not my fault Villain: It's all your fault Helpless: There's nothing else I can do

Reframe the situation p 102 Consider own role in situation Humanize the other Evaluate what actions you can take to achieve your business and interpersonal objectives

Determine a diplomatic and accurate way to state your first sentence p 119 Speak confidently while considering the opinions of others Start with your facts Indicate your position in a safe way Evaluate the feedback of other(s) Tentatively work toward resolution Test solutions against success criteria

Becoming an effective listener p 141 Sincerity Curiosity: Questioning Patience Encourage others to let you know how they arrived at their conclusions (path to action) Restate and paraphrase Agree, build, compare views

Crucial conversation preparation p 186 Mentally evaluate how well you use the skills in low controversy situations Be a perceptive observer of others’ conversations Mentally rehearse for your crucial conversations, testing and retesting alternative scenarios