How To Address Conflict & Gossip Large Group Session 2:1 How To Address Conflict & Gossip

Church Conflict “Conflict is inevitable But combat is optional.” Max Lucado Church Conflict , Kari Kampakis. Kari wrote: “Everyone in your life serves a purpose. Everyone has something to teach you. And while people who are kind and friendly help teach you who you do want to be, those who are not kind and friendly teach you who you don’t want to be. So when you encounter someone who hurts your feelings, lean into that feeling. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel that way. Was it the words they chose? Their tone? The way they picked favorites and then ignored everyone else? Whatever they did, make a pledge. Promise yourself that you’ll never treat anyone the way they treated you. This is how you become a kinder and more compassionate person. This is how you learn from their mistakes. And when you meet someone you really like, lean into that feeling, too. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel so good. Then make a pledge to yourself to be more like them. This is also how you become a kinder and more compassionate person. Regardless of how anyone treats you, you stand to benefit. While some people teach you who you do want to be, others teach you who you don’t want to be. And it’s the people who teach you who you don’t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.” That’s it! I thought hopefully. This empowering perspective was the resolution I’d been searching for all these years. Kari’s perspective — that even hurtful, unresolved experiences can feel resolved by viewing them as a learning experience — was both empowering and liberating.

HANDOUT

Amygdala Examples from Nature

fight freeze flight

Levels of Conflict

5 4 Fight/Flight 3 Contest 2 Disagreement 1 A Problem to Solve Intractable 4 Fight/Flight 3 Contest 2 Disagreement Simple Definition of intractable : not easily managed, controlled, or solved Levels of Conflict Level One: A Problem to Solve Conflicting goals, values, needs.  Problem oriented rather than person oriented. Level Two: Disagreement Mixing of personalities and issues, problem cannot be clearly defined. Beginning of distrust and personalizing problem. Level Three: Contest Begin the dynamics of “win/lose.” Personal attacks. Formation of factions, sides, camps. Distortion a major problem. Level Four: Fight/Flight Shifts from winning to getting rid of person(s). Factions are solidified. Talk now takes on the language of “principles,” not “issues.” Level Five: Intractable Situations No longer clear understanding of issue(s); personalities have become the focus. Conflict is now unmanageable. Energy is centered on the elimination and/or destruction of the person(s).  Level Zero: Depression Depression is defined as “anger turned inward.” Sometimes congregations do not know they are in conflict because they are in a state of depression. The task is to raise their awareness that there are problems to be solved. The simplest way to manage conflict is to keep differences of opinion at Level One or to move them down to that level so everyone understands and agrees that “we have a problem to solve.” Write the problems out together as a “Workable Problem Statement” which should: be free of blame be specific and descriptive not focus on the distant past not be a “put down” of any involved parties be agreed to by all involved as a definition of this problem Discussion of the Levels of Conflict According to Speed Leas, conflict often develops and escalates in a predictable pattern. It begins as a problem that needs to be solved (Level 1). Problems are issues or challenges that can be described and for which solutions can potentially be found. If the problem is not solved, conflict can escalate to level 2, a disagreement. The disagreement is often about how to solve the problem and is a normal, expected part of solving problems. The key is to find ways to resolve disagreement or to convince all parties to come to a shared point of view. If the conflict continues to be unresolved, a level 3 conflict can emerge, a contest. A contest is one in which there are winners and losers and no one wants to be a loser. Sides begin to form and clarity about the problem to be solved begins to diminish. It quickly becomes more important to win than to solve the problem. If the conflict continues to escalate to level 4, individuals and groups begin to act in more aggressive, instinctual ways and the situation can quickly deteriorate. In a fight/flight situation, those who are conflict avoidant leave and those who remain are typically more committed than ever to winning. Principles and dogma are often evoked as justification for various points of view. This level is characterized by strategizing how to win the fight and garnering the resources necessary to do so. Level 5 describes a level of conflict in which hope for reconciliation is generally lost. Emotional responses overwhelm thinking and problem solving approaches. Combatants are focused not just on winning, but even on punishing or getting rid of their opponents. Level 0 describes a situation in which the conflict is not openly acknowledged or recognized. It may have been present for a long period of time and remained essentially underground—unacknowledged and not discussed. This does not mean the conflict has gone away. In all cases except for level 0, the goal is to de-escalate the conflict to the lowest level possible—ideally to level 1. If the conflict has reached level 3 or higher, it is difficult to resolve the conflict without outside help since all the insiders are viewed as having a side in the conflict. For level 0, the goal is to escalate the conflict to the level of awareness. As long as it remains unacknowledged, no work can be done to resolve it. 1 A Problem to Solve

Triangulation What does this look like in the church?

Gossip Chain Instead of going directly to the person with whom I have a problem I give up my power by triangulating. I do this because I think it is too hard to face the person with whom I have a problem. It is easier to talk to a third person, or a fourth person or a fifth person. This is the gossip chain. If the first person I tell has good boundaries, s/he will help me figure out how to deal with it directly. This will avoid a gossip chain. If they don’t have good boundaries it will begin a great gossip chain. HOWEVER: It can be stopped anywhere along the gossip chain. Any person along the chain can stop it. YOU can stop it. REMEMBER….good boundaries….

Bible Study MATTHEW 18 15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.

Bible Study MATTHEW 18 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

Bible Study MATTHEW 18 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Bible Study MATTHEW 18 18 Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

Bible Study MATTHEW 18 19 Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

10 STEP to resolve conflict 1. Set place, date and time to meet to talk about the conflict. 2. Name the problem, define the problem. 3. How does everyone contribute to the problem. 4. Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem 5. Narrow down the list to 3-4 most likely solution 6. Decide to try one solution 7. Determine length of time to try solution 8. set a date to meet again to evaluate 9. Evaluate 10. Celebrate success

Synod Resources Resolving Conflict in Congregations Holy Cow Consultants BridgeBuilders

Bridge Builders Conflict Resolution Process One to one interviews with 20+ members of the congregation Educational session about congregations as anxious systems Tell it to the team-open forum for the congregation to voice their concerns in an appropriate space Bridge Builders return to present report and meet with ACTION TEAM leads focus groups in the congregation. ACTION TEAM implements recommendations