CF Family Violence Prevention and Awareness Campaign Introduction: Facilitator to welcome the participants, introduce him/herself, the organization s/he is representing and his/her role within the organization. This would also be a good time to review any necessary housekeeping or community standards. The facilitator may also want to advise the audience that this is a general awareness session. It is recognized that the content may generate a need for some participants to discuss a situation in more detail – if this is in fact the case, the facilitator will make themselves available after the session. Briefly outline the purpose of the session, and goal of the session. Purpose: general awareness, not skill building; this is a positive session about community investment, not about targeting particular individuals Goal: To increase the audience’s awareness of family violence in general and in the CF. To clarify the individual CF members accountability, roles and responsibilities in preventing and reacting to incidents of family violence. Icebreaker is recommended—e.g.: see http://www.wacaonline.org/resources_icebreakers.html http://www.homestead.com/prosites-eslflow/ICEBREAKERSreal.html Briefly review the course outline and then ask participants if there is anything else they would like to see addressed in this session. Some of the issues raised by the audience may be appropriate for discussion in this venue and others may not (too personal, go beyond general awareness, relevant to a different audience i.e. leadership). “If I’m not able to answer your question, we have another staff member in the back who can either give you an answer or give you some leads on resources” If a topic is raised that cannot or should not be covered in a general awareness session, table it and ask the person to see you after the session so that you can provide them with resources to address the issue. Family Awareness

What does family violence mean to you? Ask participants for their definition of violence. Examples: Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Neglect Financial exploitation Destruction of property Injury to pets Physical abuse Sexual abuse Homicide Criminal harassment (stalking) Difference between anger and violence? Anger is an emotion, just like any other emotion. It is something that we feel in reaction to an incident or situation. Violence is a chosen behaviour, an action taken to express an emotion such as anger.

Why do people turn to violence? Why do you think people use violence? - Need for power and control - Family history - Various stressors - Isolation And used: To control To keep in a position of inferiority To impose certain behaviours Violence is not a loss of control; on the contrary, it is a chosen means of dominating the other person and of asserting power over that person. It can happen between partners who are married, not married, or in a relationship, or even simply dating, regardless of their ages. All acts of violence are committed for a purpose.

Myths: True or False

One in four people has been, or is being, abused. TRUE Choose from this list a few relevant points FV is not specific to the CF. However, since family violence exists in the general population, it is important to address it in the CF. Approximately 12% of victims of violent crime were victims of family violence. 83% of these were women. Reference: Stats Can Report on Family Violence 2009; http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/pdfs/fv-85-224-XWE-eng.pdf Violence affects one in three women worldwide. (United Nations Population Fund, 2010, http://www.unfpa.org/gender/violence.htm) Every year in Canada, up to 360,000 children are exposed to domestic violence (Reference: Behind Closed Doors, The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children, Joint report by UNICEF, the Body Shop International and the Secretariat for the United Nations Secretary-General's Study on Violence Against Children, 2006.)

A violent person has a mental illness. FALSE Violence is a crime, not an illness. Violence is learned and it can be unlearned. In most cases: the violent person does not have a mental illness. The person who abuses may be someone who is capable of functioning in society and who is seen by coworkers as hardworking, generous, and cheerful. If the person really had a mental illness, they would not be able to limit their violent behaviour to the home.

Family violence is usually caused by alcohol misuse. False Choose a few of the following points: In general, one in two or three domestic violence cases involves alcohol. However, alcohol misuse can not be misconstrued as the cause for family violence. Reference: Canadian Law Review, 2009, (http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/dept-min/pub/smir-phiri/law-juri.html) Alcohol is one in a combination of risk factors, including personality, learned behaviours, education, witnessing violence in childhood, cultural and social setting that have been demonstrated in the research to be associated with family violence. Ref: Crooks, Jaffe & Bala, "Factoring in the effects of children's exposure to domestic violence in determining appropriate post-separation parenting plans," in M. Hannah and B. Goldstein, eds, Domestic Violence, Abuse, and Child Custody: Legal Strategies and Policy Issues(Kingston, NJ: Civic Research Institute, 2010), p. 22-2 to 22-25. Alcohol consumption promotes acts of violence. But family violence is truly the result of the perpetrator’s desire to have power and control over their partner. Violent people often justify their behaviour by blaming it on alcohol misuse to avoid taking responsibility for their violent behaviours. Alcohol lowers a person’s inhibitions; therefore, the person has less self-control at that point. However, a violent person does know what he or she is doing. Treating a person’s alcoholism does not solve their problem of violence. Ref: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HANDBOOK for Police and Crown Prosecutors in Alberta, 2008. https://www.solgps.alberta.ca/safe_communities/community_awareness/family_violence/Publications/Domestic%20Violence%20Handbook.pdf

Certain attitudes cause people to behave violently. True There is no excuse for abusing someone. The person who abuses is often very emotionally dependent in their relationships, accepts the traditional belief that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, and does not trust others. Frequently, aggressiveness is perceived by the person who abuses as the only acceptable means of resolving conflict. People who abuse also have very low self-esteem and considerable anxiety. In many cases, the person who abuses has been abused or witnessed family violence in childhood. (Reference—Justice Canada. (2007). Family Violence: A fact sheet from the Department of Justice Canada. http://www.justice.gc.ca/en/ps/fm/familyvfs.html)

People that are abused like to be abused. FALSE Nobody likes to be abused. There are many reasons why a person being abused might not leave the person who is abusing them. Shame Fear of ruining spouse’s career (in the CF) Loss of income Loss of home and CF community Dependence Loss of self-esteem Isolation Family or social pressures Love

There is no excuse for violence There is no excuse for violence. The person responsible for it is the one who inflicts it. TRUE If possible, use this slide to elicit discussion. For example: The last few slides showed us common biases, myths and false beliefs related to family violence. Which slide was most surprising to you?

Types of Violence Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Neglect Financial exploitation Destruction of property Injury to pets Physical abuse Sexual abuse Homicide Criminal harassment (stalking) As stated earlier there are many types of violence. Violence may not always be physical, but it always hurts.

Physical Abuse Pushing or hitting someone Throwing or breaking objects Punching the wall Kicking the door down Mistreating an animal Abuse that involves actions… The most well-known form of abuse and the easiest to identify is the kind you can see.

Verbal Abuse Yelling, insulting, reprimanding for little things Making threats Criticizing Giving orders Humiliating Abuse you can hear… Abuse with words. Ask for examples of verbal abuse.

Economic Abuse Not letting the person have money Controlling the person’s access to money Preventing the person from working Not letting the person know about household income or how it is spent Abuse that makes a person dependent… Control over finances. Solicit other examples of economic abuse.

Sexual Abuse Conjugal rape Denying any physical contact or sign of affection out of revenge Sexually degrading the person Harassing the person Abuse that affects intimacy… (Conjugal rape: Having sex in a climate of fear or without consent)

Escalation of Violence A common pattern is: Psychological to verbal Verbal to economic Economic to sexual Sexual to physical Homicide/suicide The abuse typically increases in severity over time It always gets worse. The escalation can happen quickly or it can take months, even years. Those who abuse resort to physical abuse when they feel they have no other way to harm or hurt those abused. That is when they start inflicting bodily harm.

The Cycle of Violence Tension building Acute violent incident Honeymoon Violence occurs in four phases: Tension building: The person who abuses is unable to express his/her emotions or frustrations, becomes increasingly tense. This leads to the pre-crisis phase where the person who abuses reinforces his/her demands by exerting more control over the person being abused. Discomfort, frustration and tension builds in the person who abuses’ everyday life. The tension also mounts between the partners in the relationship. Acute violent incident: this is the explosion phase. This is where the violent behaviour occurs. Here, the violence is at its peak; all five types of violence could be used during this phase. The escalation of violence can be detected during this phase. Justifying and blaming: The person who abuses justifies the abuse by blaming it on the partner’s attitudes, behaviours, values and/or comments. The person who is being abused often feels guilty and blames themselves for the partner’s abuse. The person who abuses blames the person being abused and finds excuses for the violence. Honeymoon/calm: Excuses, apologies, gifts, expressions of love. Even the most violent relationships often start out as romantic and loving. Many people who abuse can also be kind, gentle and very loving, and give their partner the feeling that they are unique and loved. This is the period when the person who is being abused believes there is hope for change. Justifying and blaming

Cycle of Violence The more the cycle repeats itself, the more frequent and severe the violent incidents become. According to shelter statistics, a woman will be physically assaulted an average of 37 times before she files a complaint. Why does the cycle repeat? - Fear and shame - Lack of awareness of the help that is available - Hope and love - Isolation - Lack of alternatives

Those who Abuse Underlying reasons A portrait Emotional dependence Low self-esteem A need to feel safe, to control A portrait Child who was abused or witnessed abuse Believes in traditional gender roles Rigid and impulsive Blames others Socially isolated Child who was abused or witnessed abuse: 80% of people who abuse have the need to be strong, in control, successful, aggressive. This is learned from the idea that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. The person who abuses has the authority, is the head of the household. Rigidity: people who abuse know what they are doing; they are not out of control. They plan their attacks. They show little remorse. Their goal is to instill fear in their partner in order to feel superior and worthy. Impulsiveness: This is how they choose to resolve their conflicts, release stress, and regain control over the situation. They do not consider the consequences of their behaviour. To resolve problems, they feel they have to be aggressive; that is the only way to gain respect from others. Blaming others: No accountability, they blame others, they do not think that they have a problem, they downplay the seriousness of the situation. Socially isolated: people who abuse have to solve their problems on their own; asking for help is a sign of weakness. They do not trust others; they have superficial friendships. Alberta Justice Communications (2008). DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HANDBOOK for Police and Crown Prosecutors in Alberta, https://www.solgps.alberta.ca/safe_communities/community_awareness/family_violence/Publications/Domestic%20Violence%20Handbook.pdf

The Survivor of Abuse A portrait Underlying reasons: Child survivor of abuse or witness Believes in traditional gender roles Tendency to excuse, downplay Socially isolated Low self-esteem Underlying reasons: Love and hope Guilt and shame Family and social pressures Dependence and fear Child who was abused or witnessed abuse: Learns submission. Belief in traditional gender roles: Responsible for taking care of the family; feels responsible for the family’s well-being (takes on full responsibility for their emotional needs). The person who is abused tends to bear the blame if something goes wrong. Tendency to excuse, downplay: Denies or minimizes the frequency and severity of the abuse. They do it to hide their feelings of shame, fear, and embarrassment. They do not know what abuse is. They feel guilty and responsible for the person who abuses’ acts of violence. They expect themselves to do the impossible, to be perfect. In their mind, the abuse confirms that they are the one who has a problem. Social isolation: Limited or no social network. Loss of interest in others because of the person who abuses’ threats. Low self-esteem: Loss of self-confidence. Feels powerless to change the situation. Becomes passive and apathetic.

Impact on the Survivor of Abuse Physical impact: Visible physical injuries, scars, loss of appetite, sleep disorders, headaches, stomach problems, respiratory problems, fatigue, various health problems Factors That Affect the Impact: The duration of the mistreatment The severity of the violence

Impact on the Survivor of Abuse Psychological impact: Fear, sadness, shame, guilt, powerlessness, loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, stress, anxiety, loss of personal identity, dependence, broken relationships with loved ones, isolation, depression, and suicide Presenter could also include a discussion specifically on the effect of violence on children: i.e. Impact on the Children Physical impact: Neurological trauma, weight problems, sleep disorders, stomach aches, migraines, respiratory problems, skin problems, poor health. Behavioural impact: Developmental delays, shyness, fear of strangers, problems socializing with friends, maladjustment at school (learning difficulties, truancy, poor grades), aggressive and/or antisocial behaviour, withdrawn attitude, delinquency, drug use, suicide, depression, and difficulty trusting others Psychological impact: Low self-esteem, anxiety, stress, nervousness, fear, sadness, distrust, attention and concentration problems, confusion, guilt, and identity problems

Impact on the Person who Abuses Depression Loss of self-esteem Legal problems Problems at work Possibility of retaliation by the person who is abused Continuity of the violence

How Can You Help? Take A Stand Against Family Violence Provide support Refer Other ways to become involved? If a medical emergency exists or the well being and safety of the people involved is at risk then there is only one choice of action. Call the MP or if off base emergency services. Sometimes trying to help can further compromise the person at risk. It’s a complex process. You cannot act on the abuse survivor’s behalf; they must to do it for themselves. Different ways to help: Volunteering, helping the person out (for example, watching the kids), listening, being supportive, being there for the person.

When a Person who is Being Abused Decides to Leave Respect their decision Make sure they understand the risks Be supportive Make sure they will be safe Put them in touch with available resources Research has shown that immediately following a separation is the most dangerous time for the survivor of abuse.

When a Person Being Abused Decides to Stay Respect their decision Tell them you are there for them Find out how you can stay in touch with them Develop a safety plan with them Tell them about available resources Don’t: Judge the situation: “I would never put up with that.” Interpret the situation: “It must be because he’s tired and stressed out.” Console and encourage: “It’ll pass,” “It happens to everyone,” “Give it some time.” Offer solutions: “Why don’t you leave him/her?”

Remember Respect what they’re going through Establish trust Respect what they say Respect their pace Establish trust Ensure confidentiality Empower the person being abused

Where Can You Get Help? Ask the participants what intervention resources are available in their community. Family Crisis Team: Coordinate intervention and prevention of FV. (Insert team leader’s number or local contact info) Dispute Resolution Centre: Conflict resolution services to all DND personnel, advice & support in resolving workplace conflict & education. Insert local phone numbers Toll free 1-888-589-1750 www.cmp-cpm.forces.gc.ca/adr-marc/ Employee Assistance Program (EAP): Confidential info, support & referral services to civilian employees experiencing personal difficulties Numbers of local referral agents Strengthening the Forces, CF Health Promotion Program: Population health approach to reducing incidence and prevalence of family violence according to the Ottawa Charter. Lectures & information on various health related issues and local contact information. http://www.forces.gc.ca/health-sante/ps/hpp-pps/default-eng.asp Military Family Resource Centre (MFRC): Assessment/referral, crisis support, short-term intervention. Toll free: 1-877-280-3636; www.familyforce.ca  Service Income Security Insurance Plan (SISIP) www.sisip.com/en/index.asp ; Provides financial planning & counseling. -1-800-267-6681 Veterans Affairs Canada www.vac-acc.gc.ca – 1-800-268-7708

Take a Stand! Make the Call! Insert local MFRC number, website, etc. OUTSIDE THE CF Member Assistance Program (CFMAP): Free confidential assistance for CF Mbrs and families on any personal or professional issues. Short-term (max 8 sessions). Bilingual. 24H Phone: 1-800-268-7708 www.forces.gc.ca/health-sante/ps/map-pam/default-eng.asp Kids Help Phone: “Every day, Kids Help Phone counsellors answer calls and online questions from across Canada. No matter what the problem or concern our counsellors are there to provide immediate and caring support, information and referrals to the kids who reach out to us.” http://www.kidshelpphone.ca 24H Phone: 1-800-668-6868 Shelternet.ca: “This website was created to provide reliable and up-to-date information for abused women, their family, friends, and colleagues in Canada. Please browse the website or take a look through our special sections on topics such as understanding abuse, find a shelter, or abuse and children” www.shelternet.ca Take a Stand! Make the Call!