Conflict Resolution and Communication Skills for Leaders Presented by: Erin E. Lawler, J.D., M.S. Texas Council of Community Centers June 22, 2018

Disclaimer: Educational Only This training is provided for general information and educational purposes only. It does not constitute legal advice or opinions. The information is not intended to create, and the receipt does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship between trainer and participant. For legal advice, you should consult an attorney.

Continuing Legal Education This session qualifies for 1.5 hours of CLE credit. Course Title: 33rd Annual Texas Council Conference Course Number: 174018572 Date: June 20-22, 2018 Please request credit on the State Bar website.

Purpose

Roles you play as a leader Negotiator Facilitator Mediator

Demonstration: Upgrading the website Featuring: Director – played by Erin Lawler Chief Financial Officer (CFO) – played by Special Guest Star

What makes conversations difficult? Philosophical differences between the people About the mission About money About tradition versus change Power imbalances Number asymmetries Need to preserve good relations for the future

Demonstration: Upgrading the website Watch the demonstration again What made this conversation different? What strategies did the Director use?

Strategies used by the Director Listened (paraphrased, offered opportunity to correct) Acknowledged the other person as a person Acknowledged other person’s competence Asked open-ended questions Agreed without conceding

Negotiator

Interaction Person A and Person B

Does negotiating make you nervous?

A tool for change when change requires the agreement of another person Negotiation A tool for change when change requires the agreement of another person

Why negotiate? Example: negotiating results in $1,000 reduction in printing costs “It’s just $1,000!” OR its Travel to an out-of-state conference for a team member Technology upgrades for staff Ability to help another client

Traits of successful negotiations: Low ambiguity Collaborative approach

1) Lower the ambiguity: preparation Know your own side of the story: a) target value b) reservation value c) alternatives

a) Target value Ask: what do you want to get out of the negotiation? Ambitious, but not impossible

b) Reservation value Ask: what is the least you would accept? Realistic

c) Alternatives Ask: if you can’t come to an agreement, what will you do? Also known as “walk-away options” or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) Realistic

Sarah’s story. Sarah is organizing a training. She receives a bid from a training venue for use of space. The venue offers to rent Sarah its space for $3,000. Sarah determines: What she really wants to pay: $2,000 (target value) The most she can afford to pay: $2,700 (reservation value) Her alternative: keep looking for another venue Should Sarah make a counteroffer? If so, for how much?

Scenario 1: Sarah asks for what she wants Sarah asks for $2,000 her target value. The venue counteroffers with $2,500. This “splits the difference” between the venue’s initial offer of $3,000 and Sarah’s counteroffer of $2,000. Sarah accepts and pays the venue $2,500 for the use of its space.

Sarah’s counter-offer $2,000 $2,500 $3,000 Scenario 1: Sarah asks for what she wants Sarah’s counter-offer Agreed amount Venue’s offer

Scenario 2: Sarah asks for more than what she wants Sarah asks for $1,700 which is $300 less than her target of $2,000. Remember: in this case, more is less! The venue counteroffers with $2,350. This “splits the difference” between the venue’s initial offer of $3,000 and Sarah’s counteroffer of $1,700. Sarah accepts and pays the venue $2,350.

Sarah’s counter-offer Scenario 2: Sarah asks for more than what she wants Sarah’s counter-offer Agreed amount Venue’s offer $1,700 $2,230 $3,000

$2,000 $2,500 $3,000 Scenario 1: Sarah asks for what she wants Scenario 2: Sarah asks for more Sarah’s counter-offer Agreed amount Venue’s offer Sarah’s counter-offer Agreed amount Venue’s offer $1,700 $2,230 $3,000

Sarah’s story: alternatives How could Sarah’s alternatives have made a difference? A strong alternative increases bargaining power. Imagine that there is only one training venue in town. Sarah’s alternative is weak: hold the training online or find a venue in another town. Imagine that Sarah has another bid in hand from a different venue that is more affordable. Her alternative is strong: accept the other bid.

Other reasons to prepare: Preparation helps with stress

Learn the other side of the story What: What is important to him/her about this deal? Don’t assume his/her interests are the opposite of yours How: Research (online or using contacts) Ask questions in the negotiation itself Use reciprocal information sharing

How to gather information in the negotiation “I want to be sure that I have a clear picture of the challenges you face. Can we talk about that?” “Among the issues we’re discussing today, [time/cost/quality] is most important to me. Is that true for you or is another issue more important?” “I know that you are balancing a lot of competing interests. Can you describe them to me so that I have a better idea of what they are?”

2) Use a collaborative approach Focus on interests, not positions Positions: what people walk in the room wanting Interests: underlying values behind positions Use interests to generate options

Positions versus Interests

Positions versus Interests

Practice identifying positions and interests What was the Director’s position in the demonstration? What was the CFO’s position in the demonstration? What was the Director’s interest(s) in the demonstration? What was the CFO’s interest(s) in the demonstration?

Putting interests to work Frame your proposals in terms of the other party’s interests. Examples: “I know productivity is important to you, which is why I am proposing….” “You mentioned that you are interested in reducing costs. My proposal will reduce costs by…”

Summary: how to be a successful negotiator Lower ambiguity through preparation. Know your side of the story Learn the other person’s story Create a collaborative tone. Focus on interests

Facilitator

What is a facilitator? A facilitator is a guide who helps people move through a process together. Facilitation focuses on how people participate in the process of planning or making a decision, not just on what gets achieved.

A good facilitator creates a collaborative environment To reduce tension and negative emotions To avoid getting stuck (impasse) To reach a resolution or make a decision that satisfies everyone To preserve relationships

Communication skills for facilitators a) listening b) acknowledging c) agreeing d) asking open-ended questions

Listening Demonstration Dogs versus cats

a) Listening Listen actively -Do not: interrupt -Do: make eye contact, nod, say “I see,” -When a person winds down, ask if he/she would like to add anything Demonstrate that you have heard -Do: paraphrase and ask for corrections -Do: acknowledge emotion

Tips for paraphrasing Use neutral language to avoid discomfort Examples: “I hear you saying that…” “I understand that…” “It sounds like…” PLUS “…and ____ is important to you…” Example: “It sounds like you are frustrated when the schedule for Board meetings changes and that consistency is important to you.”

b) Acknowledging Acknowledge their point Say: “You have a point there,” “I know exactly what you mean,” or “I understand what you’re saying.” Acknowledge their feelings Say: “I appreciate how you feel” or “If I were in your shoes, I’d be just as_____.” Acknowledge their authority and competence Say: “I know that you are very knowledgeable about X.”

c) Agreeing Agree without conceding: Move from thinking in terms of “either/or” to “yes/and.” Say: “I can see why you feel the way you do. It’s entirely reasonable in terms of the experience that you have had. ___’s experience, however, has been different.”

d) Asking open-ended questions Open-ended questions are not: Closed questions Leading questions “Why” questions Open-ended questions are: Designed to solicit full responses Often begin with “what” or “how”

Practice using open-ended questions Ask the characters on the next slides some questions about what they are doing, thinking, or feeling

After you have created a collaborative environment and the group is ready to make a decision…

Reaching consensus Go slow to go fast: step by step approach Start with the easiest issue to agree on or start with an experiment (“can we try this for one month?”) Don’t ask for a final commitment until the end (“At this point, we are just exploring options. Nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.)” Allow for breaks to consult with others, if needed Make sure you have actually reached agreement (“Let’s make sure we have the same understanding of what we have agreed on” /go over each item carefully)

When consensus seems out of reach Share information about the negative consequences of not reaching an agreement Ask reality testing questions “What do you think will happen if the group cannot agree?” Discuss alternatives Do not: frame your alternative as “what I will do to you if you do not agree” (threat) Do: frame your alternative as the natural consequence of mutual failure to reach agreement (warning)

Summary: how to be a successful facilitator Create a collaborative meeting environment Listen, acknowledge, agree, ask open-ended questions Build consensus Use step-by-step approach

MEdiator

Dealing with that *One* Person…

Why won’t they just agree? Not their idea Fear of losing face

Make it their idea Ask for and build on their ideas Say: “Building on your idea, what if we…?” “I got this idea from something you said earlier.” Ask for constructive criticism Say: “How would you improve on this idea?” “Which interests of yours does this approach fail to satisfy?” Offer them choices Say: “I can do A, B, or C. Which would you prefer?”

Allow them to save face Help them back away without backing down Show how circumstances have changed Say: “Your reluctance to try a new approach to fundraising was the right approach when we didn’t have enough members to work on a new project. Now that membership has grown, it makes sense to look into other options.” Ask for a third-party recommendation A proposal that is unacceptable coming from you, may be acceptable from an independent expert Point to a standard of fairness Usual standards: law, rules, regulations, bylaws or operating documents, precedent

How to respond to attacks and threats Ignore the attack Reframe a personal attack as an attack on the problem or as a positive Reframe from past wrongs to future remedies

Ignore the attack or threat Do not: draw attention to the attack or threat. Doing so makes it harder for the other person to walk away from it. Do NOT say: “Don’t be ridiculous! You’d never do that.” or “I’d love to see you try.” Do: keep talking about the problem

Reframe a personal attack as an attack on the problem Example: Attack: “You’re wasting everyone’s time. Don’t you know any better than to come in here with an idea that will never work?” Response: “I hear that you have concerns about the workability of my idea. How would you improve the idea to make it work?”

Reframe from past wrongs to future remedies Example: Attack: “The accountant you recommended is irresponsible! He said he would have the budget report ready by our meeting, but it was two weeks late!” Response: “That must have been frustrating. How can we work together to make sure that never happens again?”

How to close a meeting without closing the door Do not: close the meeting as a bluff Do: leave the door open for the other person to reopen discussions Say: “I’m sorry, but the way we are discussing this today is not likely to lead to a constructive outcome. I’m ready to talk again anytime you are. Please give me a call when you are ready to reschedule this discussion.”

After a meeting or important decision… If you succeed: Dealing with the hangover. If you don’t succeed: Remember: if you never hear “no,” you aren’t asking enough. Consider trying again after you have improved your alternatives.

Conclusion

Communication Skills in Leadership Negotiator Prepare; focus on interests Facilitator Create a collaborative environment (listen, acknowledge, agree, ask open-ended questions) Mediator Allow difficult people to save face and have ownership of ideas; take care of yourself

To contact the speaker elawler@txcouncil.com

References Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, Ask for It (2009). Morten Lund, Mastering the Art of the Deal (2011). William Ury, Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation (1993).