Courageous Dialogue: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High Tom Esch, President Esch Consulting, LLC IIA Miami Sept 14th, 2018

Courageous Drawing

Courage

3 Tools Proper Framing Voice Quality Awareness of Triggers

Proper Framing What you say before you say it Framing is an embodied exp

Framing and Rank Those with high rank at times miss the need for framing… Rank? Why?

What is rank? “sum of a person’s privileges” Dr. Arnold Mindell ...or unconscious advantages Both positional and psychological Is morally neutral

My former job

Rank feels good. We want more of it.

Rank is what lets us climb the ladder of power

Three Types of Rank Social Positional Psychological

Largely conferred by the society Social Rank Largely conferred by the society (race, gender, education, etc)

Usually determined by the immediate cultural/professional context. Positional Rank Usually determined by the immediate cultural/professional context. (job title, personal connections, etc)

Psychological Rank Is developed internally and/or by virtue of personality. (ability to stay centered and/or ruffle feathers)

Celebrate Your Rank!

Rank can be a superpower!

Rank can be dangerous We can become numb to feelings and needs— even your own. And we can lose perspective…

Former NY Times Editor Jill Abramson

“Sure losing a job you love hurts…what’s next “Sure losing a job you love hurts…what’s next? I don’t know…I’m in exactly the same boat as many of you.” Jill Abramson

Exactly the same boat…

Rank can change.

Signs of High Rank Interrupting the other Taking up lots of air time Feeling important Ignoring requests Saying “no” easily Being unbothered by emotions

Where do you, as an auditor have high rank?

Signs of Low Rank Feeling uncomfortable or afraid Getting interrupted Feeling ignored Poor health Struggling to say “no” Avoiding conflict

Where do you, as an auditor have low rank?

Sometimes we can tell who has higher rank…

….sometimes we can’t

Body Language

Sometimes those with high rank look tough.

Sometimes those with low rank look tough.

“The more rank a person has the less aware of it they tend to be.” Oxymoronic “The more rank a person has the less aware of it they tend to be.” Dr. Arnold Mindell

US Marines After Action Report What happened? What did we learn? What would we do differently next time? 4th Q is………?

US Marines How did I feel?

Pay Attention to Feelings And you will have better results in your audits.

A positive use of rank “The Leak in the Board room.” Fortune 100 CEO

2. Voice Quality What are the most important variables which carry the message you are sending?

Can you have “voice” in an email? 2. Voice Quality Can you have “voice” in an email? Tone and non-verbals carry EMOTION

Emoticons

2. Voice Quality Slower-pace, deeper = confidence Authoritative yet relaxed is calming Full voice, more than deep voice… Relax to release tension—breathing and sighing

Voice Quality 1. Too soft 2. Too loud 3. Too fast

Voice Quality ….when triggered 4. Open that unexpected bill

Voice Quality 5. With more resonance 6. Pay attention to heartbeat

Put your card or name and email in the basket. PRIZES Put your card or name and email in the basket.

3. Triggers

Triggers and Tigers

Brain Science 101 Parts of our brain go dark …

Brain Science 101 Frontal Lobe- the Watchtower The Limbic System- Emotional life/memories Amygdala- the Smoke Detector

Brain Science 101 We are a social species Hard wired for connection Threatened when disconnected Survival!

Brain Science 101 Greeting Demonstration

Survival Scans: 20X a second

…a moment…

The “BrokenToe”

Broken Toe Triggers Who/What do they remind you of? What old hurt might get recreated? What can you do to prevent this?

Triggers & Forgiveness Return on Character Dr. Fred Kiel 4 keystone character habits

Return on Character 4 keystone character habits: 1. Integrity 2. Responsibility 3. Compassion

Return on Character 4. Forgiveness “Letting go of one’s mistakes—and those of others; focusing on what’s right versus what’s wrong.” Dr. Fred Kiel

Review Proper Framing-rank Voice quality Awareness of triggers

Final story Dr. Arnold Mindell

Thank you! Comments & Questions tom@eschconsulting.com For more info go to www.EschConsulting.com