Are you receiving me? Key skills for effective communication Sue Duraikan Are you receiving me? Key skills for effective communication

Objectives Learn how your mindset affects verbal and non-verbal communication See why you must plan before you communicate Get your message across more clearly Listen to and understand others better Identify words and phrases which risk shutting down open communication

Think right! Trigger Thoughts Feelings Behaviour

Mindfulness: be aware of your… State of mind Attitude to person, situation or topic Assumptions and self-limiting beliefs

Cognitive distortions Magnifying or minimising You exaggerate or inappropriately shrink importance of things until they appear huge/tiny Catastrophizing Black and white thinking Overgeneralisation You see a single negative event as a never- ending pattern. Mind-reading You arbitrarily conclude that somebody is reacting negatively to you, and don’t bother to check it out. Fortune Telling You anticipate that things will turn out badly, convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact. Disqualifying the Positive You reject positive experiences because they ‘don’t count’, so maintaining a negative belief despite your experiences.

Joy Warmth Certainty

I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad I’m here. I know what I know.

What’s your self-talk? W In a stressful situation Faced with angry, aggressive behaviour When unprepared When the other person doesn’t want to listen/engage When receiving criticism When others disagree In meetings where I need to make a point

How does Jenny… Show she’s planned the conversation? Get and keep Chris’s attention? Structure her message? Ensure mutual understanding?

Key skills Teller Get attention Get main points across Bring points to life Check understanding Understander Concentrate Ask questions Reflect back Encourage

Teller skills Why Who What How Where When

Frame of reference The ‘glasses’ through which each of us sees the world. We each have a different prescription which affects our understanding of the world.

Making an impact Verbal 7% Vocal 36% Visual 57% Albert Mehrabian: Hidden Messages Making an impact Verbal 7% Vocal 36% Visual 57%

Key skills Teller Get attention Get main points across Bring points to life Check understanding Understander Concentrate Ask questions Recap Encourage

Chinese symbol for ‘Listen’

Understander skills ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ St Francis of Assisi

Questions Open v Open minded v Opinion v One at a time v Closed Leading Memory Multiple

Understanding practice Teller: prepare… What’s one of your life’s greatest ambitions? or What are you most proud of in your life? Understander Ask only open questions Feed back on one strength your partner has, which they don’t actually say eg. ‘It sounds like you are really passionate about …’ ‘It must have taken some courage to do that.

Understander skills: Digging deeper Scratch the surface: facts and information Probe: opinions, ideas Search: beliefs, values

Calm down, dearie!

I think you’ll find shouting gets you nowhere.

Communication blocks Patronise Use clichés Judge Generalise Trap Avoid concerns Negativity Be defensive Passive-aggressive Have the last word

Communication blocks Patronise ‘Calm down.’ ‘I think you’ll find..’ ‘It was clearly stated…’ Clichés ‘I hear what you’re saying but…’ ‘I understand your position.’ ‘With all due respect…’ Judge ‘You’re overreacting/being unreasonable.’ ‘That’s just typical of an academic.’ Impose solutions ‘What you need to do is..’ ‘There’s only one possible way forward.’

Communication blocks Avoid concerns ‘That’s not the point.’ ‘I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.’ ‘What do you expect me to do about it?’ ‘That’s ridiculous.’ Give negative message ‘… not possible.’ ‘…not our policy.’ ‘Nothing I can do.’ Be defensive ‘…not my fault.’ ‘I wasn’t informed of that.’ ‘That’s not true.’